Have never been this close.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Neowith, May 13, 2016.

  1. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    My husband took his life 2 months ago. I care for our 2 year old and am carrying our daughter who has yet to be born.
    I went to a therapist. He made me feel like a horrible person for being on anti anxiety meds. Refused to take my case.

    My son has been pushing buttons all day. He was tired so I laid him down 30 minutes early. My father didn't like it so now he's stomping around and slamming things to keep my child up so he can be right.

    Grief is hard. Dealing with the trauma of finding my husband, him being stabilized only to die later is hard. Being a new single parent is hard. Carrying a child and having back problems is hard. Not having any help because my family expects me to be a super human and pull my socks up is hard. You know, it's not like I lost my husband in the most horrific way possible and NEED time to heal. Nothing like that.

    No sleep, in constant pain and feel sick, the memory of the love of my life dying in front of me 4 times, reaching out for professional help and getting shot down. Why not just follow my husband. Why continue to do this. This pain is not easy and I can't do it alone but I have to. And I can't. I'm only human and this is way too much to cope with. After 2 months I just can't anymore.
  2. laf

    laf Member

    This sounds very challenging and it must be so tough to deal with so much at once. How have you managed to survive for two months? What has been keeping you going? It sounds as though you have a brilliant resillience.
  3. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I have no idea. I really don't. I keep fighting but what happens when you run out of resources to cope. What happens when you run out of fight.
  4. I am so sorry (((hug))). Can you try a different therapist or go to hospital? Professional help is probably the best.

    I want you to know there is nothing wrong with taking anxiety medication. That therapist should know better than to judge that.

    I think that making it 2 months with little to no support is amazing. You are doing a great job with having a little one on the way and a 2 year old. Keep posting here, we will support you as best as we can.
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  5. laf

    laf Member

    It sounds to me like you want to fight and not give up?
  6. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I want to fight, the problem is I'm running out of it. My husband was my rock in this crazy life.. and he left us. He left us with so many things unsaid, so many memories that will never be made, so much responsibility to fall on one person's shoulders. He was loved.. over 100 people turned out to his funeral but he was in too much pain to see that. To see he was needed by so many.. I wouldn't wish 10 seconds of this pain on anyone. Maybe that's the only bit of fight I have left.. but again.. I'm just a human.

    I would love to check myself into a crisis center right now. But there is no one to watch my son. And the last thing he needs right now is for me to leave for a week and think I'm never coming back like his father just did. He's 2.. it's a lot easier to raise a child than it is to repair an adult. I can't do that to him.
  7. Bee

    Bee Active Member

    I can't fathom how unbelievably hard this must be, but keep trying to seek professional help. 1 doctor who can't look past their own views about medicine during pregnancy doesn't mean you can't find help out there... I also have a little boy I wish I got to see him more, but he is the only reason I keep moving forward . when I feel like that I look into his eyes or at pictures when he's not with be and remember why I'm fighting. In your case don't make them grow up with no parents. Ik this will be unbelievably hard but they deserve to have a parent in their life that fights to be with them and stuck around for them. That is all that keeps me going anymore.
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so, so sorry for everything you're going through. I can't imagine how much of a struggle it must be for you.

    Please consider going to a different therapist. There's nothing wrong with taking meds for anxiety, and most decent therapists would agree with that. There truly are some good ones out there, and you deserve help and support.

    I hope you continue to post here; lots of us care and will be here to listen and offer words of encouragement.
  9. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am so terribly sorry for everything.

    How are you feeling today?

    I hope you will think of trying another therapist. Sadly no every therapist may fit every person... but it is possible to find one you click with.
    You deserve to live, and you deserve to work on these things so it becomes easier.

    I know this is hard, and I know it's not easy to find something to live for, but you have your children. And I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh, it is not my intention... but can I ask you this? Would your husband want you to give up? Would he want you to leave your children? Would he want you to be struggling like this without help?

    If you can't fight for you, fight for him and his memory.
  10. MyCatWillMissMe

    MyCatWillMissMe Well-Known Member

    This is unbelievable. Please come back to post and let us know you're still okay.
  11. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I'm okay. I had a few decent days then things came crashing down.. again..
    I'm sick, my son is sick, once again no help. I need to get to social services this week so well have money to survive but it seems everytime I drive I almost wreck due to being tired.. throw a cold ontop of that and I can't.

    I would like to think of what my husband would want me to do. But I can't. I'm too pissed that HE gave up. I got a statement from his therapist yesterday. 6 missed appointments. It was up to him to get help and he lied about getting it. And now he's gone. And now everyday is a struggle to keep my head above water and every night is a battle to forget just so I can sleep. You didn't offend me.. but at this moment I couldn't care less what he'd want.

    As for therapy.. I've been in therapy for 10 years due to PTSD before all this. I keep putting it off because I have coping skills, I know where and when to reach out for emergency help, I know how to manage it. What they can't give me is a way to keep our daughter because of money, or a baby sitter so I could shower more than once a week, or someone to be with my son while I cry because I'm human and he deserves more than one person.
    And honestly no amount of therapy will take away the memory of being the only person in the world knowing that the man I loved is dying. That for a few minutes the weight of saving my husband's life rested on my shoulders and no one could have possibly known. Time will help... And maybe therapy. But support groups are really what's helping me right now..
  12. Neowith

    Neowith Member

    I know I sound selfish. I should be thinking of my son more. But how can I when I am running on empty, when I'm not okay. I can't do this on my own but am being forced to, and it's putting me in a position where my son isn't getting the attention he needs..
    He starts daycare in 2 weeks. I'm hoping that will help us both and give me the energy to do more than simply survive.
  13. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    This is a terrible situation for anyone to be in and I'm amazed that you are doing so well. But you do need rest and time to grieve. I don't understand why family aren't being supportive and as for your therapist chastising you for taking an anti anxiety medication, after what you've been through, they should not be practicing in that field. I so hope that some compassionate people will step up and assist you. Hugs :(
  14. You are not being selfish. If you are not healthy you cannot possibly take care of your son. Is there any social services that can help you, I don't know much about that area but you need support more than you are getting. You need to get help so your son is taken care, I don't know where to tell you to turn for help. Is there extended family you can reach out to? On your side? On your husbands side? Maybe an aunt or uncle or grandparent? That can just help you so you are not drowning.

    I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Know that we are here to listen I know it is not much because we are not there physically but whatever we can do let us know.
  15. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Yes you can "do that to him". You love him, you say it and show it right? Those are the things that he will remember now and for his lifetime.

    How do you tell him? Use fireman or police as the people who are coming to help you. And in five days they will bring you back. Make a calendar with him for those 5 to 6 days that he is to mark each night before bed. When on that final day he will wait for your return with excitement.

    Children are resilient but he would much rather you be better than suffer needlessly while vainly holding it together.

    PS your dad is an asshole
    PPS the therapist you saw should lose their license
  16. piscesCat

    piscesCat New Member

    If you want to talk to me...I could relate. The love of my life killed himself recently. I am struggling everyday to even wake up though I have 3 kids. I've lost interest in being human. We were on and off 3 years and when he died we were not together. 3 weeks before he killed himself we talked about making it all happen and him getting help. Shortly after he lost it and starting breaking everything in the apartment. I had to leave as he was emotionally killing me. He told me he hated me and I said I was done. A lot was said. I feel like I failed him and it's all my fault. I blame myself for this and my friends say that's wrong. But deep down I feel like it is. I wear him in a necklace around my neck. I get called weird and people tell me to get over it. Its not so simple.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2016