Have No Where to Go, No One to Turn to, Don't Know What to Do

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sonjapearl, Dec 22, 2012.

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  1. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    I feel as if my life is getting worse and worse, and there's nothing I can do about it.

    I am fearful for my future. I work at as an admin at a law firm but I am trying to get a job elsewhere. Thing is, I don't know where or what to do. I have an MA in journalism but I cannot get a job in that field for the life of me. I got it 4 years ago and it is impossible for me to get a job there because my experience (3 years at a cable news station before grad school) and qualifications no longer matter. I spent four years doing some freelancing here and there, but for the most part I wasn't in that field. Besides, I am 30 and I can't work in entry-level jobs with 22 year olds because that would be mortifying. Also, I would like to have an active social life so I could eventually get married and have children, and in journalism you can't have that because the hours are so irregular. If you are wondering why I ever bothered to get an MA or go into this field in the first place, I really did think by now I would be in a more secure spot professionally. But there's no hope for that and I can't make the sacrifices to my personal life when I want certain things in that part of my life.

    So I'm trying to figure out what I should do besides news, and I can't seem to decide! I'm thinking about teaching but that would mean going back to school for my masters in that field and spending so much money which I don't have. Plus, where I live the schools are horrible and I don't want to end up teaching in those schools.

    Furthermore, my parents are overly involved in my life. My dad, who I never had good relations with, is constantly nagging me about getting a job in news. On a daily basis, he emails me job openings and nags me if I responded to them. He goes around saying that I want to be an on-air news reporter - which I never said I did. I try to talk sense into him, but he refuses to listen. He just wants me to be an anchor because it will be good for his massive ego.

    I also cannot tell him that I'm thinking about being a teacher because that would lead to a shouting match. He'll say I'm throwing away my education and I wasted money on my MA. If he ever does except that I'll be changing fields, he'll again hover over me and breathe down my neck. I cannot live around him and I find it to be impossible to even be in his presence (BTW, I live in the apartment of my parents' two family house). I am dreading Christmas, I really am.

    I cannot emphasize this enough: my dad is a heartless bastard. He often insults me and mocks me. He has physically threatened me earlier this year. Please do not say "oh forgive him, love him, he's your dad". No, he has always been a cancer in my life and there's no hope of ever having a relationship with him.

    My mom is the classic Stepford wife and she's always defending my dad. I used to turn to her for help, but lately its been obvious that she no longer cares - or I am finally noticing it. She either laughs off my problems like they are no big deal, tells me to smile like it would make my problems go away. If I ever bring up anything, she'll change the subject. Or, she'll come up with the dumbest solutions that make me think that she might be missing brain cells.

    I have two much older sisters that I have trouble communicating to. The first one is distant and has her own problems. She also blamed me when our dad threatened me. The second one is a total bitch and goes out of her way to make me feel inadequate. We've never gotten along and I have no connection to her at all.

    If you are wondering why am I not speaking to my friends about this, well I lost my friends this year. I had a small group that dropped me like a hat this summer without any word. I don't know what I said or did, but they gave me quite a cold shoulder to make it obvious they didn't want me around. Maybe I was too self-centered or negative, but it really hurt.

    Now I have absolutely no one in the world to talk to. I have my therapist who I see once a week and my psychiatrist. But that is all. I have been having more and more mental breakdowns in the past month, and they are starting to get scary. I was suicidal last week until the chat room here talked sense into me. I feel so scared, hopeless and frightened to live. I have no one to turn to. No one cares or no one gets it. It is so frustrating and lonely.

  2. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    I totally feel for you as I am experiencing the same phenomenon:everything around me is falling to pieces.
    I cannot even talk about it yet as it sounds like a bad movie....
    I think you are far too young not to succeed in what you want. With 30 you have still all the chances to achieve what you want.
    It is a great pity that your parents and sisters are of no help,but that is a frequent thing that they seem to short of understanding and your father
    seems a particular unhelpful and obviously nasty person.
    Have you really lost all your friends ? It would be very helpful I believe to have some social contacts ,and if its only for forgetting
    your misery for a few hours from time to time or even being able to talk to that person.
    Changing fields is a courageous move but it can make great sense. Is there some career consulting or advice you could turn to in order to maximise your existing qualifications in your future job ?
    I am very sorry that you have to go through all this right now during Christmas time,but please try not to let your fear get the better of you.
    Speak to us here. Though we are all somewhat on the Titanic here so it seems ( I am down in the engine room ) ,you will catch a life boat which should carry you into safety I am convinced. Please take care of yourself and try to make some contacts . You need people around you in this,and if its only on the net right now,so you did the right thing to come here.
  3. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    Thank you, Mozart for your kind words.

    I really did lose all my friends. I have a few Facebook friends that I may say hello to now and then, but there's no way I could turn to them.

    I know 30 may sound young to give up. But news is hard to break into and if I get anywhere, I really do fear I'll be at some entry-level with college grads nearly 10 years younger than me. But most importantly, I do want to get married and have kids. If I work in news, I'll be working weekends and late nights because that's the way the business is. When I did work in news, I had trouble having a social life and getting dates. I don't want to lose out on a chance to have the personal life that I want.

    I feel a lot of pressure to make a career decision now because the salary I have from that law firm is not enough to survive on. I'm getting by now, but I can't live as I am forever. The future is so scary now.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You hun get as far away from your dad as possible ok you make a safe place for yourself hun and you do what your heart wants ok you are young hun many people change careers at your age and they never regretted it hugs
  5. Sonjapearl

    Sonjapearl Member

    Unfortunately, I'm not in the financial position to do that. If I had the money to survive on my own, oh boy will I get away from him!
  6. Mozart

    Mozart Well-Known Member

    Again I think I know your feelings about working below you level,that is simply awful. I am facing exactly that right now....from a top position down to probably hardly anything.
    In your case it seems clear that you have to change career if you want to marry and have kids. Lots of people I know of did exactly that ! But you have to try to get out there a bit as you need social contacts. I know that can be a daunting prospect ,but how are you going to find a partner otherwise ? I think once you will decide that career change ( you mentioned teaching ) you will meet new people,that's what a change brings usually. Please resist to get into a depressive downward spiral. You are not alone. many,many people face this and worse problems.I know that is a duff thing to say ( my mother always reminded me of the hungry children in Africa if I did not want to eat ...didn't work....lol ),but I had to say it,please forgive me....That father of yours sounds pretty bad. You need to get away ,but as I see your finances don't allow it yet.It will happen eventually,so try to bear his awful behaviour for right now. Just try to protect yourself as much as possible so that you don't get hurt in any way.
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