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Have Not Posted In Here In Awhile.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bambi, Jul 17, 2010.

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  1. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    It has been sometime and I have to be honest the feelings have come back...rather strongly today and I have been doing my best to fight them off but as another day comes to a close with my feeling like I am losing more ground then ever I have to admit I am not so well..not well at all.

    I am sorry to those I reached out to today...I do care and meant what I said but feel as if I was reaching out as to somehow talk to the inner me that is hurting like you so badly deep down inside...I feel selfish but please know I care.

    I am not sure what can be said to me...I have heard it all before...all of it in the last 34 years...I have heard it but still I find myself wondering why am I still here...I cant stop the thoughts of suicide tonight and don't know that I want to..just feels like the best answer to a broken life..I life that held so much promise but now seems in a state of disrepair and me too dysfunctional to get on top of things...nope just seems like a shotgun blow would epitomize my feelings right now and the sum of my existence on this earth.

    I don't know why I am saying all this..I guess I needed to apologize for my posts today as I was acting on my own behalf in many ways, though please know my replies were heartfelt as I really care, I don't want this pain for anyone.

    Like I said I have heard it all before so really not sure what anyone can say..just needed to vent/rant or whatever you want to call it...I have been living off valium for the last few days to just numb the pain but tonight the tears have caught up with me and the lure of the gun is at hand...I never seem to have the guts so please don't worry and beg me to say...you could never make me stay and we all know that..just saying the thoughts are back is all ...for what it may be worth when you seem my crappy replies know I am not doing well, not well at all.

    Love you all Bambi
  2. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I don't know what to say to people or if I should say anything. It all has been said a million times. A lot of it just sounds so cliche. I can't see me ever just going through the motions, though. It's all heartfelt. I can't change anything for others. I can't make them stay. All I can do is offer an ear and let them know I care. I usually end up second guessing myself, feeling stupid. I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I hope you don't do anything and keep on keepin on.
  3. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I hope you stick around Bambi :(. I've seen you reply to others in need when they require help, so please stay with us. I don't usually know what to say either....sometimes I may understand what the person is going through but at times I don't. Sometimes I just do my best to get through the fucking awful day. When I have bad days, no one may ever know. Because I just tend to hold it all in and just lose hope. I don't really like crying, and I've never talked to anyone in real life about how I feel or anything. I think if I did I'd just start crying - heaps.

    I always hope that once I go to sleep and wake up the next day, that I'll feel differently. Sometimes I do feel better. Sometimes I don't. I hope you feel better tomorrow Bam.

    Take care luv :hugtackles: :console:
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I have this awful feeling that tomorrow will bring more of the same...the same that has become so unbearable...my life is a joke and a mess...I don't want it anymore
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    You're life isn't a joke. It means a lot to everyone! I've never wanted life. But I guess it's thrusted at us everyday. We just gotta do our best and make what we can of our lives. For me it's a pretty boring and shit life. I wouldn't call going to school, watching TV, being on the computer and stuff, is a very great life. I have my ups and downs. Usually downs these days. I don't have a lot of ups. If I do, it's then followed by a down which makes me feel worse :(. Today's one of the down days. I'm so tired I can barely do anything. Yet I want to do something. I just can't...

    Is there someone you can call? It'll be ok...this will all eventually pass. Hang in there...
  6. UnkelHeit

    UnkelHeit Well-Known Member

    If you're coming on here and helping other people your life isn't a joke. Right now my life is here, watching tv and movies. I'm not sure how but I guess things could be worse.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey Bambi I know how that feels too but you are amazing on here helping people and we need you...don't you dare leave ok!
    that feeling does pass as you know if you just hold on....
    keep talking to us .....:arms:
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    HI Bambi,

    All I can say is that I like you and want you to stay. I said a prayer for you. I had a very bad day today and prayed and it got better. PLEASE PRAY. Give your heart and soul to it and it WILL help. I promise.

    I hate to see you this way. You are such a good person.In spite of all your pain you come hrer ans try to help pthers. Thats heroic!!!!

    I love and appreciate you. We need you here. I do too. Please know you are cared about and matter so much. Please be with us and be here. We will all overcome our problems if we endure and seel help and reach out. I am on your side!!!!

    Write me,


  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Bambi. I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting so much and that the thoughts of suicide are back. You help a lot of people here on SF and it would be awful if you were gone. You're such a wonderful person. Keep fighting those suicidal thoughts. Don't let them win. Please don't give up. :hug:
  10. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Thanks guys but my life is a mountain of mess, I am behind on my car payments and too embarrassed to call them, I am not getting paid by clients which means I have to call them and be a hard ass meanie and risk losing what little business I have and all in all it sucks as the house keeps getting messier and I lack any and all will to try to get on top of things..why? the just fall apart with the next bout of depression/inaction that plagues me...the answer has to come from inside me and it is not forthcoming and now my thoughts have turned to how simple it would end it ..I have sure fire method but seem to be contemplating a less sure fire method that is more violent as that seems more apropos for my life and what it has become....I hate being this dysfunctional and feel like a liar that is not able to follow the same advice i have given out here day after day to others...others who deserve a better life while I don't see it that way for me...
    I just don't know...
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i understand this dark place of yours i do the endless days the task ahead
    the responsibilities take one thing okay deal withit only phone car people see what the can do don't loose it okay. you know these feeling come and then leave but i know it is so tiring i hope you can get someone to help hold you up
    a friend someone until it is not so dark i too am in this place now and i know how hard it is i pray someone will help you because your life has so much meaning
    you deserve happiness and peace you do hang on okay i hope you do.
  12. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Thinking of you Bambi and I hope you are ok. You are in myprayers and thoughts. PLEASE HANG IN THERE
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