Have nothing left

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Susan, Jul 9, 2011.

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  1. Susan

    Susan New Member

    Today I wanted to pull over to the side of the highway and step into the path of a semi truck. I'm 53 and I hate myself. I have nothing. My life is in shambles. I am on the brink of financial disaster. I have a crappy fairly good paying job that just barely pays my bills. My kids don't really like me. Oh, they love me because I'm their mom, but they left in a big hurry after high school and never looked back. I SUCK. I AM JUST WASTING SPACE. I've been divorced 3 times. The last marriage was SICK. Three and a half years later my sicko ex is still stalking me. Even after 2 ppo's (personal protection orders). I got nothing. I'm just a worthless slug. I hate me. HATE HATE HATE. I do everything wrong. I AM A MISTAKE. A turd. Nothing. Worthless. I raised two successful children..........that's it. Everything else in my 53 years of life has been a BIG JOKE. The only one who gives a shit about me is my dog..........I LOVE MY DOG. She would miss me. She would be confused if I was gone. She doesn't know I'm a worthless piece of shit. When I think that I could live another 10, 20, or 30 years it makes me sick. Just what I want.........all those years of loneliness, despair and fear. No, I can't do it. I can't.
  2. tenholehweels

    tenholehweels Well-Known Member

    Since no one else has replied yet.

    I am no expert on anything except pain and loss, so maybe i know

    Your life is valuable,please don't do anything rash.
    someone with more valuable insight will add more
    i'm sure.

    Just please please look at your accomplishments don't discount
    those things.

    I won't discuss why but i know and feel your pain.
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi Susan. I can relate to a lot in your post.
    Do you have anyone you can talk to? Someone to cry with? It helps. I have reached out to friends and been surprised at how people have been willing to help me.
    Sending love xxx
  4. Susan

    Susan New Member

    I have no one. The only family I have are my kids. No friends. The only relationships I have are with co workers and only at work. I work, go home and watch tv or drink. If I died it would not matter. Yes, people would miss me for a few weeks, but I wouldn't even register a blip in anyones lives if I was gone...My dog though, she would miss me. She is all I have.......
  5. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    I relate completely to your post - I have 3 children, 2 are at university and have their own lives and my youngest is 15
    I hang on until she is old enough to leave but now my 2 older children are home for the summer I am convinced that it would be ok to leave them
    I have 2 labradors and they give me so much love
    I am not a lot younger than you and I wonder if there is anything you could do to reinvent your life a bit
    I have recently used my experience of self harm and volunteer at a helpline. i have met some lovely people who understand what I am going through and we can be there to support each other
    Is there anywhere you could volunteer for a few hours a week - it would help with your self esteem
    Is there anything you have really wanted to do? I have decided to sell my house and downsize in order to have more money to travel and do things - I hate being stuck at home
    I'm not having a good time atm but feel that i can hold my head up and say I've tried to turn things round and some days will always be better than others - make today the start of the rest of your life and do something different
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Volunteering is a great idea.
    Your kids would miss you you know. Can you talk to them about how you feel?
    Being 50+ is a bit of a scary time, isn't it? Maybe it's a wake up call to make the most of life?
    Sending love xx
  7. Susan

    Susan New Member

    Yeah, I volunteer.......no one wants to be around a loser. No one wants to socalize with me on a friendship level. My daughter has her Masters Degree in Business. My son is working on his Phd. in Computer and Electrical Engineering. I don't even fit into their worlds. Yep, they would miss me....but in the long run, they would be better off without their dumbass blue collar mom. I had to call the police last night because the third freak I married is still stalking and harrasing me.........three and a half years after the divorce. Yay me. I'm a f-ing idiot!!! I was 48 years old when I married that control freak. Wow, aren't I smart. Married someone who treated me like shit and now I can't get rid of him. Yeah, I just wanna live forever!!! My future is just a dismal cesspool of lonelyness, stupidity and despair. Wow, I can't wait until tomorrow.......
  8. thepalestrose

    thepalestrose Member

    Hey Susan,
    I know it seems like you're going through a tough time right now.. Why don't you try picking up some hobbies? Pottery is a lot of fun :] (I'm an art buff) Or crocheting, painting, photography, tennis - some sort of sport? Maybe even writing!
    You should talk to your kids about how they feel and why, and maybe you could fix your relationship :]

  9. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Well you aren't the first person whose kids have 'bettered themselves'. How about feeling proud that you enabled them to do it, or being proud of what they've achieved?
    Why do you think you are such a loser?
  10. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here my friend!. how about lets be friends.
  11. Marco

    Marco Well-Known Member

    My parents were able to raise a suicidal one instead, so if you consent me that's an achievement. (sorry, it slipped)
  12. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member


    Your pain is felt in your posts. Probably many of us are living the same net life, just different individual issues.

    I'm 45 and life as I've known it for the past many years came crashing down today. I crumbled under the pressure of long term depression. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know nobody will miss me. My dog died 2 years ago, after 15 years his time expired. Hug your dog for me.
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