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have suicidal thoughts and in denial about everything including existence

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i think it's very hard to write about it all when you're actually depressed. everything is going the wrong way. . i am homesick i havent visited home in over 3yrs(foreign student) and i have had so many deceptions emotionally. i have financial and health problems. and even my family has got severe problems which doesnt cheer me up and makes me even think more and more. and to top it all,the only guy i opened up to 4months ago(we spent 2.5months together) (note i had verbally expressed to everyone said this is my boyfriend. Whereas I had been dating occasionally but never acknowledged someone as a bf since i broke up 3yrs ago with someone else)
.. he changed on me after he showed me so much interest and told me he loved me. i now suffer a lot emotionally, physically, and all. my mom is visiting me sometime next month,i havent seen her in almost 3.5yrs i hope that will make me feel better. i have thought several times of killing myself because trust me everything is going the wrong way, even if i am smart(humbly) i love to help others but i cant get to put my own stuff in order.. am severly heartbroken. i was heartbroken two yrsago and resulted in bulemia and i got over it two months later. now that am hurt again i started to binge and purge again.. it also seems to me that people think am a depressive person, but i m positive i had been before everything started to go the wrong way for almsot 3 yrs now..
i wanna go see a professional for help but i am all the time in denial , my sleep is messed up, i wake up and hate getting out of bed.. at night i cant sleep and hate going to bed at any point cuz i know i won't wanna get up.. i keep thinking a lot, am a very analytical person and so i wonder why things are the way they are.. and i m in denial all the time and listen to music too much and daydream like 90% of my awake time , i dont hate anyone who hurt me but i wish i could understand why they would.. Idon't know .. it feels somehow better to talk about it now, although i dont know who's reading..
thank you........
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Antiquitie's Friend
It can be really hard to reach out in times like that. Consider writing here a first step. I found therapy very helpful personally, although some do not. It was a big step for me to go, due to pride and fear, but with some prodding I made it and was glad I did. I wish you well.
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