I really don't know what I'm hoping to get out of my time here, but clearly things have to start with an introduction. As I've taken the time to register here I, like all of you, am very much struggling with deeply negative thoughts to the point that I've begun to look into taking a very drastic step in the near future. This is not the first time I've dealt with these thoughts, it just so happens to be the first time I've struggled in nearly 10 years. During my previous bout in high school I made several passive attempts with a xxx, but never took the time to guarantee that a xxxx. The loss of a friend to suicide snapped me out of it back then because it showed me first hand the effects of what I was considering. Sadly that impression has faded from my mind as I have moved on through life and it no longer can stay my hand like it used to. I don't live in my home state and I've become marginalized in the lives of those I was once close to. While I have a new social circle in college, that group has begun to break apart and move away from each other. Recently my girlfriend of two and a half years, the woman I have lived with for two years, and have loved for nearly 4 years decided to leave me. She became emotionally closed off for two weeks, told me she was moving out for a trial separation so she could work on herself, broke up with me via text message 4 days later, and I have not heard a word from her in nearly 2 weeks. The feelings of worthlessness, depression, and isolation I have been stuck with for the better part of a month have crippled me. My self confidence is shot. My ability to focus on school is shot. I have lost 20 pounds without trying. I average 4 hours of sleep per night. School is passing me by, my friends are moving on with their lives, and my family all live very far away. Things have gotten to the point where I have begun drafting lists of people to whom I will write letters, I've begun to write up a check list of things I need to take care of in my apartment and on my computer before I do this, and I've also begun to look into the feasibility of several methods. In all honesty the only thing that has stopped me from doing this so far is the fact that my dog would be uncared for upon my death. If I could figure out an easy solution of what to do with him, I imagine I would act soon. In the mean time this sweet, loyal dog is the only life line I have because I just can't make myself act without knowing he will be completely cared for once I'm gone. I have moments of clarity where all of this seems foolish and over the top and just plain ridiculous, but that part of me is slowly losing hold over the rest of my mind. I don't know if I'll be able to help that responsible side become the dominant one again, but it does not look good right now. Everything feels so cold and negative without any real hope in sight. Knowing that the woman who I loved with every part of my being, the woman with whom I was planning my future, the woman I still love so dearly, could walk away so abruptly and without remorse makes me question everything about myself. These are very dark times and I just can't make myself understand.