Have to Start Somewhere, Might as Well Be Here

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Boceifus, Sep 18, 2010.

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  1. Boceifus

    Boceifus Active Member

    I really don't know what I'm hoping to get out of my time here, but clearly things have to start with an introduction. As I've taken the time to register here I, like all of you, am very much struggling with deeply negative thoughts to the point that I've begun to look into taking a very drastic step in the near future. This is not the first time I've dealt with these thoughts, it just so happens to be the first time I've struggled in nearly 10 years. During my previous bout in high school I made several passive attempts with a xxx, but never took the time to guarantee that a xxxx. The loss of a friend to suicide snapped me out of it back then because it showed me first hand the effects of what I was considering.

    Sadly that impression has faded from my mind as I have moved on through life and it no longer can stay my hand like it used to. I don't live in my home state and I've become marginalized in the lives of those I was once close to. While I have a new social circle in college, that group has begun to break apart and move away from each other.

    Recently my girlfriend of two and a half years, the woman I have lived with for two years, and have loved for nearly 4 years decided to leave me. She became emotionally closed off for two weeks, told me she was moving out for a trial separation so she could work on herself, broke up with me via text message 4 days later, and I have not heard a word from her in nearly 2 weeks. The feelings of worthlessness, depression, and isolation I have been stuck with for the better part of a month have crippled me. My self confidence is shot. My ability to focus on school is shot. I have lost 20 pounds without trying. I average 4 hours of sleep per night. School is passing me by, my friends are moving on with their lives, and my family all live very far away.

    Things have gotten to the point where I have begun drafting lists of people to whom I will write letters, I've begun to write up a check list of things I need to take care of in my apartment and on my computer before I do this, and I've also begun to look into the feasibility of several methods. In all honesty the only thing that has stopped me from doing this so far is the fact that my dog would be uncared for upon my death. If I could figure out an easy solution of what to do with him, I imagine I would act soon. In the mean time this sweet, loyal dog is the only life line I have because I just can't make myself act without knowing he will be completely cared for once I'm gone.

    I have moments of clarity where all of this seems foolish and over the top and just plain ridiculous, but that part of me is slowly losing hold over the rest of my mind. I don't know if I'll be able to help that responsible side become the dominant one again, but it does not look good right now. Everything feels so cold and negative without any real hope in sight. Knowing that the woman who I loved with every part of my being, the woman with whom I was planning my future, the woman I still love so dearly, could walk away so abruptly and without remorse makes me question everything about myself.

    These are very dark times and I just can't make myself understand.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 19, 2010
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hey welcome i hope the dark times are lightened by just being able to communicate what your feeling here so others can see and support you.
    keep writing okay get all the pain out in front of you don't hold it in any longer
    glad you reach out continue to do so
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Breaking up with a text...unreal!!! and you gave your heart...so sorry but it sounds like she definitely has issues...please know there are ppl here who truly care and will be here to support you...PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J
  4. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I also live with a broken heart. And story like yours is the perfect example why i'm afraid to even think of getting into the relationship boat once again. I do hope you are stronger than me, and will manage to overcome this wall of hurt.
  5. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF hun. Im so sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship and the way in which she did it! I hope you can find some comfort in talking here and if I can be of any help, dont hesitate to PM me :hug:
  6. clairedelune

    clairedelune Wanderer

    hi there! I am terribly sorry for the break up. But for all you know, your life doesn't only revolve around being in love. Try to do something else that could make you move on instead of wondering why she left you. Perhaps she has her reasons. In due time, you'll find out why this has all happened. Also try exploring around SF. You might meet some who would actually console you.
  7. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Your story is very close to that of mine, my girlfriend left me when I was down. I didn't have anyone to talk to, no wish to move on. My life was a lie, I was put in a foreign country with no friends, I was used and lied by a stupid girl whom I wasted 3 years of my life on.
    The only thing I had to live for was my cat? :laugh:
    That creature is the only being that has unconditional love and loyalty to me. What I did to fight through the rough times? I stayed on these forums and helped as many people as I could. I don't know why or how, but it kept me alive.

    Stay strong, the ride has just began.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Boceifus, Welcome to the forums..Break ups are tough.. Especially when you put your whole heart into them.. When my ex decided to end it with me she quit coming home weeks at a time..She was cheating on me..for about two months..When I was packing up to leave her son called her and told her I was leaving.. She came home and begged me to stay..I thought about it for about 2 minutes and told her oh hell no..We were together for six years..Anger is what helped me to get over her..She got married two months after we split up..I feel sorry for the guy.. She cheated on her husband with me, and cheated on me with this guy she married..So I see her doing it again after she gets tired of him.. I told you all this so you know there is a certain amount of time you are going to grieve.. Eventually you will get past this..I wish you the best!!!
  9. Soul of a Dragon

    Soul of a Dragon Well-Known Member

    Jesus Christ some women are retarded, they want you to promise you will never leave them and love forever. Then they leave you because they want some new adventures. Epic FAIL
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum.
  11. Boceifus

    Boceifus Active Member

    Thank you everyone for welcoming me to the forum with such kind words. Since I'm still here 4 days later, I guess that is 4 small victories for me. The last two days have been incredibly difficult, however, and it is becoming more and more difficult to care about tomorrow. I even went so far as to go to the store for certain items today...but who knows when/if I'll act on them.

    One day at a time I suppose.
  12. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Glad you are here and please continue to post and let us know what is going on...that way you know you are not alone and are cared for...big hugs, J
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