have tried so hard to hold on

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowers, Aug 14, 2010.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I have tried so hard to hold on. Have done everything in my power to hold on. but things have gone from bad to more bad to worse and then worse. I live on vapors of hope at this time. And the hope has left.

    There is no way to live in the future. And I have no one to help me to navagate things. I am agoraphobic and cannot move from my home. I just got on disability. I get very very little because i earned very little. They want to take money out of that for insurance. And now I found out the will not cover therapy. Because my therapist is a LCSW. years ago I bought a couple of books that talk about how to euthanise onseslf. I have recently made out the list of supplies. today I have to go out and buy them.

    Sadly there is a possibility that something will fail and i could end up in a vegatative state. It is not a sure thing. But usually is successful. The aloneness / isolation, the humilation of being so mentally ill. The prospects of running out of money in a couple of years. I cant hold on much longer. Iam too erroded.

    I belong to another online community. I wrote there how I feel ( minus the suicidal feelings) Many people read it. But not one person replied. Finally i asked an admin to remove it.

    I wrote again, this time in answer to what someone else wrote. this time there was a response. To give as you would want someone to give to you. And then you will receive. I felt like i was reading a tea bag fortune. I give and give and give. From my heart. i have helped people for years. but now I do not have much left to give. I felt so profoundly unheard. I just posted again letting the original person who posted know that her words of pain are held by me. but I felt so slammed by someone telling me to give give give. when I have done so much of that over the years. If I could give more, things would be better. But my inner resources are so depleted.

    anyway, this life is hell. I blame no one but myself for it. but there is no way to climb out of the hell. I am not a kid. and i have been trying for years. I fought for 2 years to get on to disability. I had to fight a long time because I put off for too long applying. Because of the humiliation. By the time i applied it was too late. they said the time limit was up. So I had to fight for it. In the end they did realize that I was way too ill to work when I stopped. But I fought for something that ended up working against me. I lost my good free state health care insurance. And in its place I became underinsured and have to pay premiums and deductable. And I lost coverage for my therapist who is a main support person.

    I wanted to find a way out of the mess. I lived on hope. Knowing that it was a fools errend. Still I found the hope to keep going. But there is no way out. I got what I was fighting so hard for. and it left me worse off. So alone, so tired. Too many years of this. too much trying to get out of it over the years with little success. I do wear a mask for most people who see me. But many now can see beneeth it. The combination is just too much. I am too tired to fight my way out of a paper bag. And yes I do take medication. Thank you for reading this. Sorry it is so long. :IrishDoll:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i hear you your sadness your struggle to survive
    the fight for help when noone gives a dam really politics all of it
    i am sorry yu feel all alone again system does that breaks you down to nothingness
    i too have been told hold on hope is still there yet i see none as well call crisis mydoctor there are no answers really just the will tosurive and that will is gone now
    i don't know what to say really as i am there with you no hope no will tired of it all
    i hear you and i do understand the only way i stay here is i can't bring myself to cause others pain with my suicide. I don't want to leave people in pain
    I hopeyou have someone that cares that will help you hold on a bit more
    i just wanted you to know i hear you and i sooo understand the complete draining it has on one soul the battles we fight
    i hope you reach out i do because maybe this time someone will actually care and help there are some that do care and i hope you get that someone this time
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank You Voilet. I am sorry that you are feeling this way, as well. You said that you dont know what to say really. Well, sometimes just letting someone know they are heard can be a great gift, if you know what I mean. Advice is not as important as letting someone know they are heard. Thank you for that, although I am sorry that the reason you can hear this is because you are in the same place. I wish no one was at this place of despair.

    I thought earlier of something I used to think for many years. " I could scream as loud as I could but no one would hear" I hoped that someone would hear here. And you did. So I am grateful to you for not fulfilling that voice from the past here, as it was in the mental health forum I belong to and posted in.

    I am glad to hear that there are people who would suffer if you are gone. And this is an incentive to stay alive no matter how much you want to be gone. There is someone will would suffer. An MPD / DID system. It will not be easy for them at first. But they have someone who dearly loves them who takes very, very good care of them. They will be well cared for. Other than that, there is no one to worry about re my leaving.

    Sending safe hugs for you ( if thats alright) ((((violet))))
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hello Flowers, I am sorry your life till now has been so hard. I do hear what you have to say. You have a purpose here and it is not what "others" may think. You cannot fully understand your purpose here while you are alive. But God does not put people here with no purpose. If it's is to listen to someone in pain , to love others who need it, to learn, to just be human, or some mystery that will be understood in the future. You will never know until you have fully lived your life, what that purpose is, but know it is bigger than you and worth the suffering.:hugtackles:
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    floweringriver, I admire your wisdom. And yet, I dont know that I can hold on anymore. I do not know if I messed things up in this lifetime that had a purpose for being. And even if I didnt, I just dont know if I can hang on. How much hell is too much. Having said that, I am so moved by your words. It sounds like you have a depth of insight into spiritual truths in general. I very much admire that. I have studied this a lot also. thank you for your words. They touched my soul.
  6. Louis03

    Louis03 Well-Known Member

    Hey flowers, sorry you feel that way. Loneliness is very hard to deal with, I struggle with that too. I don't really have any answers. I try not to care what other think, if they know I'm depressed, what they think about me underachieving, that seems to work for me at least. I think times of change can be specially hard but if you give it a chance you might learn to cope in new ways or hopefully even some small measure of joy in life.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Flowers,
    I relate to you.. I have agoriphobia and socialphobia amongst other issues..Can you check with your local mental health and find out if they have a low income therapist you can see..Also check if your local hospital holds any group therapy for depression.. It's usually free..You have and will have friends here who will listen to you..Please don't get the supplies you need..Stay with us and let us help support you..Take Care!!
  8. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Even though I do not have suicidal feelings, I can relate to your Agoraphobia. Similarly, I have social anxiety. I have never been official dianogised with social anxiety disorder, but that's because i've never tried to get myself diagnosed. I did see a therapist and he thought I had some form of it (and suggested I research medications that reduce stress hormones), but there was a lot I didn't tell him. I get self-conscious around people and in public. I analyze myself and wonder what other people are thinking about me. This is kind of like if you're a guy and you see some girls and you get clumsy, except that it doesn't just happen with cute girls.

    I don't think my social fears are extreme, but they're obvious and I'm aware of them. They don't stop me from getting work. I've held jobs before. The problem is that I've gone years without working or even trying to get work. With work the larger concern is my laziness. I also over analyze myself and think that I couldn't do most jobs so it makes me picky. I probably could, but I have never had great confidence in myself, even when I was achieving things. I wish I got out of this house more. It would help me, but I don't like to throw money at gas. And it doesn't help that I already have this tension around me when I go places. I'd like to have a job indoors, maybe as a salesperson. I've always thought I could work in the electronics section. But when you look for work you can't be choosy. The only thing that makes me nervous when i think about working as a sales person is my fear of bumping into people I've known in my past.

    Maybe I have exaggerated my issues somewhat. I think I am very lazy and am paying the price for years of it.

    I've told you a bit about myself so that maybe you can learn something about you.

    I think it has to do with my childhood. Do you know where your social fears came from?

    Stay safe. Life is always worth living if you don't dwell on your worries and failures. Typically, for me, that has meant getting out there in the world. I know that's what everyone says, but I think it's true for a lot of people. The problem is that getting out into the world is not equally easy for people. Some are good at it, and some aren't. Some face big obstacles that look small to others. On the bright side, the more you do it the better you get at it. It's like filling up your bank account or exercising. I think in the initial stages we all need some kind of support to get going, otherwise, it's too easy to give up and fall back on what's familiar to us. We all need to help each other out!

    So, from me to you, I'm cheering you on wearing the colors of your team! You can win this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2010
  9. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks Louis. Sounds like you have worked out some good coping skills. Caring less what other people think about the depression etc.

    Thanks stranger. Finally after 20 years I decided to try to find a good therapist who I like. Shes awedome. Gritty and great. And she shares some of the ( non religious) spiritual beliefs that I cannot seperate from who I am. She is one of the two people who truely sees me. So losing her would have been losing a lot. She says she will not drop me, she just wants me to get rid of what I have left for money so I can get on public aid which would pay for her. But i have too much fear and anxiety to do that. And I have no good support system other than once a week. Kinda backed against a wall while living in hell on earth anyway.

    Thanks Johnny. I think what you described is a base of shame. And yes, I do agree that this comes from very early childhood. Or thats that some experts say anyway. I hear ya in many of the things you said. You wrote "....if you don't dwell on your worries and failures." I think the mind is like a computer with wiring. And out thoughts can really be programmed in. Hardwired. Then they can become default. Not saying that the default cannot be changed. Because I do believe it can be changed for many. Just saying thats how I think of it. Buliding the muscle of getting out into the world more sounds like a good idea. :boogie: Thank you !!! thanks for the words of encouragement !!!
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you have alot of purpose here just on this forum alone you have help me help my girl with your prayers i mean that without those prayers she may not have been found your words of kindess have help me as well as others here so you do have a purpose and a gift of healing others
  11. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I agree with Violet, that you seem to have a purpose to help others with your prayers and kindness. You may not see it clearly, but just by going through the day responding to situations like these that present themselves, and living your life fully, you will find your true purpose.
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    thank you Violet and Floweringriver for your words. Violet, how could someone not respond with prayer to your situation. My prayers are even now with you and your daughter. I am glad that you know prayers do help. Holding you in my thoughts. Thank you both again for your kind words. I am not feeling as hopeless and alone in my circumstances today. I hope you are feeling somewhat better violet.
  13. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    today it got much worse. My therapist, the one and only support I have, because I live alone and an mostly agoraphobic and in too much pain to be social, dropped me. Last week when I found out I was on medicare and she was not covered, the therapist told me she would not drop me. She said dont worry. She said she understood I was getting almost nothing from disability. And that was even being reduced by paying for medicare. She said she would write a grant to get paid, or she would do a barter. today when I went back there she told me that she will charge me 72.00 per session which is what medicaid pays her per session. She knew I could not afford it. I was truely barely hanging on by a thread. And she said that to me. I knew that was the end. And I knew she knew it also. After all how could I give all of my disability money to her. After the parts B and D premiom for medicare and then the suppimental it would leave me with less than a hundred dollars to live on. and I live alone. So she did know what she was doing. She svery smart. She also knew I was very bonded with her. And that she was my only hope of getting better.

    I asked her if the state insurance, which is covering me still until the end of the month, will pay if I leave the apt now. She said yes it will. so 5 minutes after I arrived, i left. And thats the end of the therapist who "promise"d that she would find a way for it to work so I could keep coming to her. Yes, at 300.00 per month fee for her from someone who is in severe financial situation. After she told me just a week ago that she would write a grant or do barter. This is the same type of thing that caused me to stop going to therapists 20 years ago. The word psychotherapist can be seperated in to three words psycho the rapist And thats what she did to my mind today :(
  14. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am so sorry she did that to you i know that pain god it is devastating Is there no way to find another therapist to help you can you get some more money to cover the therapy from your disability group or from a government group
    I don't knowif i could go backtoher now her words were lies she is not honorable Write her a email a note and tell her how she has hurt you and how you feel abandoned and lied to she promised and her promises were not kept and you need an explanation as to why she did this for your own sanity.
  15. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    thanks Violet. Shes a psychotherapist psycho/the/rapist. She wouldnt care about an email. It would only end up working against me. Psycho/the/rapists always have a awy to make the client seem wrong if its a dispute between them and the client. Anyway, I am not going to look for another therapist. It only would be more pain and more hurt. I dont have anything left. My family, the federal government, the state government ...(who will not give a poor person a property tax prebate while they are giving them to people with more money) I had such little left anyway. But these past couple of weeks left me with no fight left in me. I am too tired to go on. too tired of the fight. Too tired to care. It hurts too much to care. And luckily, I do not have family or friends who would miss me. Saying another prayer for your daughter and you Violet. Huge blessings. And thank you for answering this. I am too sick now to write how I feel in my regular mental health forum. Cant post things like this.. Perhaps the greatest gift we can give to another human being in these forums is to just let them know they are heard. To answer them and let them know they are not alone. That is such a great gift.
  16. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    flowers please try another therapist i went thru the same thing abandonded so hurt by mylast therapist it still bring me pain. I found a different one oh so kind caring is he. Right up front i told him if he was going to abandon me like the other therapist did then tell me now before we start i don't want to go thru that again He promise me he would never leave not until i was ready and he hasn't okay there are special people out there flower who do care please find a new therapist a new set of ears for you a new heart that cares please you are worth the effort okay Now my turn to say some prayers for you take care
  17. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thank you Violet. This one was very clear that she would not abandon me.... I guess as long as I could fork up 72.00 per week. I tried over and over again many years ago. Finally gave up. Decided to try again. But for me its a "murphys law". Therapy is not for me. It will never have a good ending. Cant keep going through this. Thats why I stopped 20 years ago. But I am so very glad that you found someone who works out for you. I am so glad whenever I hear those success stories. I think different people just have different karmic paths. Mine does not involve help from therapists. I did try again. The resuts just were the same. 72.00 per week and she will not abandon me.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    she is not a caring soul then if she cannot get help for you I guess because i am able to pay my therapist stays with me i understand this place is kind and caring it hashelp me as much as therapy sometimes i hope you stay okay people here need you as do i take care flowers please stay strong
  19. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi flowers. Please don't give up hun. The problem is that many 'doctors' are just trying to make money and helping people really isn't a high priority for them. You have to take care of yourself. I don't know if I could ever go to a psycho/the/rapist and talk about all of my feelings with them.
  20. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    There is hope, and if you can no longer find it in man I would search for it spiritually. Blessings..
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