have we ever....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jabooty, May 10, 2010.

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  1. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    wondered how we came into such a state? im sure at one point in our lives we were happy...i remember when I was happy. I was very happy, now just empty. An empty used up shell!

    yeah i saw a doctor...told me that my depression was environmental. Which I tend to agree for the most part. Considering that my whole universe has fell apart all around me. Asked me if I wanted to take meds but couldnt give me a good answer as to how it would help me. Other than help me "see the bigger picture". I guess I cant see it right now.

    I saw someones post that listed the things they have going in their lives...not to down play their moods/feelings...but I have to say my list is shorter...if I even have a list. At least there are somethings you enjoy and looks like you have someone to share your life with. A long story short...ive pretty much lost everything. My job, my girl, my money, soon to be my home, amogst just some of the major things. And to think just 2 years ago I was on the verge of buying my boat and pursuing my dream. Now all I can do is dream...and my dreams arent good. There is no hope in my dreams anymore....no more visualizing what I am going to do.

    Im scared. Im scared what is going to happen to me...im scared as what the overall outcome would be. Ive lived a good life, i was good to others (not always, but I made up for it in other areas). My self preception is terrible right now. You know Ive been told I am a very hansome man, sweet and gentle, and a true catch...i dont see that anymore. I see a broke worn down man at the end of his rope asking ppl who he doesnt even know to help him...to listen to him...to be his friend, to stay his hand just for another day.

    Over the last week or, i have thought that I may not need to kill myself. Havent eaten in several days, because I cant...may do it for me. What is it 7days without water and 14 without food?? im close to that. and believe me its not something that I am doing on purpose.

    I am alone, confused and tired and i dont know if I want to continue. I dont knwo if I want to fight anymore. How many times can a dog be beat before he cowers??
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I just want you to know I read your post, and I'm listening. Please keep posting, keep reaching out. I know you're going through a lot, but you don't have to do it alone.

    My PM box is always open if you want to talk or need a friend.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    my advice would be get back to the doctor and tell him how you are feeling....
    get yourself eating and drinking ..soup if you have to but get something good into you...
    if you were happy before then remember what it was like and fight for that feeling again...
    sounds like you are grieving your losses and that is normal...loss of your relationship, your job, money all cause grieving.....
    some counceling may also help you through this....
    please take care....:hug:
  4. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    thank you both...

    i will eat today...got some extra spending cash that I wasnt expecting. SO i will use that on food.

    i have eaten so unhealthy over the course of the last six month that I dont know if I can put anymore junk into my system. I even slightly borken out due to the poor nutrient uptake. Hey you may not know this, but if you a white male in this country, you get no sort of social services. I swear everything I have applied for I have been turned down. To a point that next year I will pay the goverment what I feel that they should get out of my taxes, considering that all the monies I have put in to date, I cant use or it is being misused.

    Thats the thing IV, i feel like a boxer in a 15 round match...its round 14, and I am beat the fuck up...and only a knock out is going to help me retain the championship belt. Otherwise I feel like I am going to loose.

    I truly feel like a looser...i have lost the most important of all fights....life.
  5. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    I do have to say tho..i do have another interview today and dressed to the hilt. grey double breasted armani suit with suspenders even....foua foua. I may not have any money or food or my acura (god i miss my buggy, now i drive a cavalier...how can i be who i was ina cavalier?), but dam I have some class and I look good. At least I have that going for me! :moonwalk:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2010
  6. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    lol Sounds good :)

    Hope the interview goes well.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you haven't lost life yet...just lost sight of living it...so keep fighting...
    good luck with the interview....get that positive attitude happening....sounds like you look pretty good so you're part way there....:cool:
    I'll have everything crossed for you....:biggrin:
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Good luck with the interview!
  9. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    well my lucky new friends....

    i got it....you can now refer to me as the cable guy! lol

    so far off from what I was trained/schooled for. im a software engineer by trade. and now I will be installing you cable/phone and internet! I like it you know why...i dont have to sit in front of this god forsaken box any longer! no more desk or cubes...I hate cube world. I always feel like a rat when im actually in an office atmosphere. I do field work now...i get a tool belt. How cool is that. And before you know it I will posing for a cable guy yearly calander with my tool belt...yep, you know you'll buy one.

    needless to say, I feel 10X better, even tho it doesnt come close to what I was making. I dont start til the first of june, but thats ok. I hope it works out. I think with a little elbow grease and some dedicated hard work that I can be back on track and pursuing my dreams within a couple of years again. Who knows, the perfect job is still out there and has my name on it. Until then I will count my blessings with what I have.

    Thats one thing I have reflected on, where I made my mistakes. One thing that keeps going thru my head (and i heard it a few weeks back on "I dream of Genie")....i forgot to be thankful for what I have, as i was focusing too much on what I didnt have and wanted and not necessarily what I needed. This applied to my personal relationships, finances, material things...and out of those 3 the only one that carries any sort of weight is personal relationships. The rest, I am no longer bound to and can all be replaced!
  10. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    oh btw...way over dressed for the position! the company name had engineering behind it, i thought it was an engineering company! everyone was in jeans!
  11. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    good for you. keep fighting, it is worth it, but at times it seems so dark. some days though the sun does shine. (even though its bloody snowing here).

    god bless and take care, donnaxxx:sheep2:
  12. kdslaz

    kdslaz Member

    Congratulations! i know how that is... went through basic electricity & electronics in the military worked as an electrician for 5 years then at a power plant for 5 years where the heaviest thing i lifted was a clip board... was unemployed for awhile & am now working at walmart! i've taken a serious pay cut but that's life the only constant is change... like you said really i think the personal relationships are whats important... wish i had one :)
    anyway a friend said life is a roller coaster it looks like yours is on the way up, good luck!
  13. jabooty

    jabooty Banned Member

    thanks everyone...

    Kevin, its been one heck of a coaster ride alright and its not over yet. This was just 1 issue, altho a major relief. Believe you me, Walmart was my next stop. And you know until i get a few paychecks under my belt, i wont even believe it. I still havent paid off all my loans for school yet and its such a shame that I may never go back to what I was doing. I was good at it.

    main thing I wanted to talk to you about....and thats the personal relationships. I have virtually ruined all mine. I was so high and mighty on my horse that I felt those bridges could be burned down without any harm coming to me. I wanted to be left alone for such a long time, that finally i got my wish. When the end did come, I found myself isolated. Im still very much alone and thats a prime reason for all my misery, material items have come and gone...

    but all good...i have to take things 1 moment at a time these days otherwise I get overwhelemed. I figure once I get resituated that I will go out and find love again. I really enjoy being here. Because if nothing else I am reconnecting myself to the world again. Making new friends...and altho I may never meet anyone of you. Ive been an online personality for such a long time it is as good as the real thing for me. So no worries, if a jackass like me can find someone, i know for sure you can.
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Woohoo, huge congrats on the job!! :hug:

    This site can be a good place to meet people and make friends. Because here, we all understand what you're going through.
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Well done.....way to go.....:stars: congratulations....
    I hope things continue to improve for you....I can see by your post that you have learnt some lessons from what you're going through ..always good to find the silver lining..so to speak..
    :hug: :hiya:
  16. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Well done jabooty. Very proud of you :)
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