Have you been through similar?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lostlonely, Aug 17, 2011.

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  1. lostlonely

    lostlonely Member

    I’ve had suicidal thoughts for a while and I had decided on a date of meaning that if I decided that was the end for me then I would do it. I have a care co-ordinator and I mentioned this to her that I wasn’t certain I would, but if I was then this date would be the one.

    I needed control, I needed to be able to say I chose to get help over ending my life and it was entirely my decision rather than one being forced upon me.

    Then yesterday happened. I got a call to say my co-ordinator was on her way with a psychiatrist and would be at mine shortly. He basically said that he has detained people on less than what I am saying and to give him a reason why he shouldn’t. We agreed on him taking away part of my method and promising to see my co-ordinator on the actual date I would do it.

    Now I am really angry, I felt I was put in a corner and the only 2 options were their options (either go to hospital or see co-ordinator). I suffer from ptsd from a brutal gang rape – that’s why I am seeing cmht to get therapy. The worst thing they could have done to me at any point was take control off me – that’s what happened on the day I was raped and I said no-one would ever do that to me again.

    I know they have to cover themselves and show that they have done something to stop me attempting but I am trying to have an honest relationship with my worker and now I feel like I can’t say what is on my mind.

    Has anyone had any experiences they can help me with? I am still really angry and if I am honest, feel that at the moment, on the date I would go ahead just to show them. And that is by no means what I want to do – if I do it, I want it to be a considered decision.

    Do I have a right to feel the way I do or am I over reacting? And how do I begin to trust co-ordinator again?

    Thanks!!
     
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like to me that your pdoc and coordiantor took you to your word that you would off your self..Thats why they took part of your plan away..They are legally obligated to make sure you are safe,,I;m surprised they didn't put you in the hospital..as far as the people who attacked you they should be castrated,, There is no reason to ever harmsomeone else in that manner..Please trust your coordinator he only has your best interest for you..
     
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you have had such a bad experience, ive found them to be of little help personally. more like a number or a statistic.
    perhaps if you want to retain their help you should tell what what youve just told us, perhaps they will be able to adjust their method of approach to suit your needs.
    If they insist on their controlling manipulative measures then you will know where you stand with them.
    I hope your feeling better soon, you sound like a strong person who knows what they need, stick to your convictions. xx
    Amy
     
  4. NJ_CB

    NJ_CB Member

    I can totally relate. Here's my story. My parents brought me to the hospital when I had a nervous breakdown and would not stop crying. While at the hospital a doctor that told me I had to go to the psych ward for a week. She was talking on the phone to her husband during our session and then told me she did not have time for me to tell her "my story." I calmly told her that I was not interested in telling a story, and that I just wanted to understand the basis for her conclusions. When she got mad that I called her out for being on the phone and not examining me I told her she was no longer welcome and that she could leave and go back to her phone conversation. I was smart enough to know that an emotional outburst would be very bad, so I did this calmly. I then said, in a measured tone, in front of her staff, "I know some people may think that you are good at your job, I just don't want you for a moment to think that I am one of them." I was so mad I then managed to use the hospital's WiFi and an iPod to run a basic background check and find out the names of her family members, home address, mortgage info, immigration status, etc. I even did basic legal research on how to overturn her decision to send me to the hospital and require her to spend the next day in court, something that I knew would make her mad.

    What is the point of this long story: I was so mad because this person had power over my freedom and I felt trapped. What was worse is that I had no outlet for the anger since they would just shoot you up with meds if you acted out. In fact, I was so mad that within five minutes of the encounter that I used my ability to be a very scary and persistent person to track down personal data on the doctor, figure out how to waste her time in court, and make her life a living hell in general.

    The anger was not worth it. Don't get me wrong, I am still upset to this day. But looking at the situation, regardless of whether the doctor was covering her a**, just being mean, or lazy, the decisions were made with the hope that I would stay alive. It sounds like you also have people who want to see you live. By not putting you in the hospital but taking away one of your means of suicide it sounds like your counselors wanted to let you maintain some freedom and still do their best to keep you alive.

    Being angry is okay. We just have to stay alive.

    Sorry for the long winded diatribe. Good luck.
     
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