have you ever attempted suicide?

[twing]

i want to know how it happens? i just came here because the other forum i post on doesn't allow post about suicide

heres a brief history, i have had social anxiety for as long as i remember and only found out what it was at the start of this year. I have no confidence. My whole life feels like i have been trying to figure out life as i did not know what social anxiety was i did not know whether the feelings i was having were normal or not, i didn't know what was causing them and i was always lost inside my mind. I try to be happy but social anxiety and constantly trying to figure out life makes me depressed (because it feels like i try to be happy and have a good life but then always end back up in the same place).

Anyway to the point of my post, for those of you who have attempted suicide i want to know how it happens, i have never really attempted it although i have felt it many times. Basically i want to know how serious this is, i dont feel as though i really want to die but im just get sick of trying (trying to live a normal life with social anxiety and all). Suicide is on my mind but i dont feel like i actually want to do it, it feels more like a im depressed look at me action, it is not planned it is more like i play/joke around with the idea, i highlighted that because that is the important bit of what im trying to say.

I hope this isn't too much information but this is a suicide forum after all, if i am feeling depressed i will do something like take a knife from the kitchen draw and press it onto my skin and just think about the idea, i dont actually want to cut myself and i stop as soon as it started to hurt sometimes i press harder but i have never actually cut the skin

<Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>

So basically im asking how does suicide happen because i want to know how serious this is, typed it probably sounds pretty bad, maybe it is , maybe i should take this as a wake up call. I don't plan to do anything like 'one month from now i am going to do it' because i don't believe i actually want to die, i just depressed and get sick of trying.

Have you ever thought you were just playing around but then it has happened or you just got a sudden urge to do it?

 

[WildCherry]

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking. SF is pro-life, and we don't allow the discussion of methods.

 

[roscho]

Many of us are here because we have contemplated the things that you mentioned.

The situation is similar but different for everybody.

By sharing, we can help each other see facets that aren't currently visible to ourselves.

My problem was that way, anyway. The fact is, my mind was so burdened, I felt paralyzed. I could only think how to end it all. Others here helped me see not how to end it all, but how to start anew. Often starting new is not as hard as we've convinced ourselves it would be.

 

[twing]

I'm not exactly sure what you're asking. SF is pro-life, and we don't allow the discussion of methods.

i see, what was removed was just something else i did which involved nearly electrocuting myself (i hope i can say that?), but you left the bit about the knife. I think your not sure what im asking because i have been convincing myself that i am not serious when i do these things, maybe i am in denial that i am suicidal

I press the knife onto my skin and think to myself i could do it, i want to do it, but i don't, i have never actually cut myself, something prevents me from doing it,

I don't know how much more it would take me to actually cut myself. I would of thought if i actually wanted to do it i would just pick up the knife and do it.

When i pick up the knife i don't think i will actually go through with it, but then i wonder afterwards what if while pushing the knife into my skin i got some sudden burst of emotion and did it. Can that happen? If you have ever made a serious attempt at suicide when you started off did you think you would go through with it or not?

 

[AlienBeing]

Research shows that most suicides are done impulsively, spur of the moment. One of mine was like that, the other was very, very, well conceived and planned out. If it weren't for my damn near psychic therapist who called the cops because he "got a bad feeling" I would have died. This got me a huge amount of time in hospital, unfortunately and even a transfer to another hospital closer to my family despite the fact that I told them they would only get angry at me, criticize me and upset me, which is what they did.

 

[Illusion]

Yeah I've attempted a few times before. Can't say how though since were not supposed to discuss methods. I can mention though that I have self harmed by cutting and I fantasize about burning myself here lately. My suicide attempts would usually be a spur of the moment thing. I wouldn't think much of it.. I'd just start doing a ton of random crap then fail. Afterwards I'd feel awkward and somewhat reborn. As much as I claim that I want to die, I'm afraid of death.. I'm afraid of reincarnation possibly being real so life would never end for me.. I fear spending an eternity somewhere worse than where I am now (I'm Agnostic). I fear a lot of things so fear is what usually saves me most of the time.

By the way.. I'm a lot like you by the sounds of it.. I have Social Anxiety as well. No confidence in myself. Always trying to figure out a meaning to life instead of just going with the flow and enjoying myself like most.

 

[Autumn01]

I haven't attempted yet. It damn better work on my first attempt in January though.

 

[twing]

i just realized my first post sounds like i am asking for methods, im not. what i meant by i want to know how it happens is are you just falling around one day and cross the line, like me pressing the knife hard on my skin (fooling around) and then suddenly cross the line (sliding the knife down and making a decent cut due to a sudden burst of emotion).

Or do you know your going to do it when you do it.

It seems hard to explain i have never 'crossed the line' like i said above i sort of don't think i could 'cross the line'.

I was 'fooling around' with a power point and didn't actually intend to push the switch right down just like i don't actually intend to cut my self when i push the knife into my skin, because i don't really want to be electrocuted and i don't really want to cut myself, i feel like i don't really want to die i just get so sick of trying in life.

Anyway the reason i posted this is because i did push the switch slightly down then ripped my hand away in panic, i realized afterwards how close i actually came to electrocuting myself, it could of gone wrong, if the switch reached half way it could of easily sprung back the rest of the way. I didn't really want to do it, but it could of happened, but i guess a part of me did want to do it otherwise i wouldn't of been 'fooling around' in the first place. Some people on here seem to want to do it, i don't actually want to do it, i want to live, i just can't cope sometimes, and when im depressed i start fooling around but i never cross the line because i dont really want to die, that is why i was surprised at how close i came to actually ending my life today

 

[cutiepie132]

I attempted it many times. I took multiple overdoses, from zoloft, valium, ambien, to a combination of medications. I was very upset at the time I did it, I thought I wanted to die, but I really just wanted the hurt to stop, after I overdosed, the times that I was concious, I realized that is not what I wanted. After one overdose, I actually went to the hospital by my own choice. The other times, my family called 911, I'd wake up in the hospital with a tube down my throat getting my stomach pumped. I remember one time, the hospital kept looking at me like I was crazy, I was asked the stupiest questions, like did I know where I was, what the date was, if I knew what my name was. Really didn't apprieciate that shit. For the longest time, I actually felt like I was crazy for acting that way. I still haven't been able to completely get past feeling that way. It just makes me feel like crap that I let life get the best of me like that. It is alot harder for me to deal with things than it is for most people. I really wish I could be a stronger person. When you take the choice of trying to commit suicide, everytime you get really upset, that is the method you want to try to deal with it, it is very hard, once you've attempted suicide, to not cope with your problems in such a way. You really need to think twice before you go down that path.

 

[pancake111]

From what you've said, I don't think you're suicidal, I just think you're doing some extreme forms of Self harming (electrcuting). When I was suicidal, I had very strong urges to kill myself, and in those moments, I could have very easily killed myself.

I have social anxiety too, and you trying to be happy, and sort of pretending to be happy is causing you to compensate for the lack in happiness with Self harming. I don't know you very well, so this is just what i'm gathering from what you've written so far.

 

[Moon_Penguin]

ive attempted a few times. first time i wasnt sure what i was doing really. i just knew i had to do it. luckily i had the best friend ever who pulled me back. but the other attempt i was definatly very aware of what iw as doing. n planned it out. not liek weeks in advance but i just thought its time n just did alil research and went for it.
if you need to talk about it some more then feel free to pm me. i know its a difficult time but we can help you through it.

 

[dec.net]

First of all, I hope that my post won't appear to be a discussion of method. I can only speak from my perspective as a person who isn't usually driven to suicide by acute emotional trauma or lasting periods of depression but "only" by feelings of emptyness, being utterly distanced from myself and my own life, while at the same time having anxiety about the future, so that dieing seems like a rather reasonable decision to me every now and then. The times I came closest were always those when I could make myself feel like I wasn't intentionally killing myself, but rather like I was taking an extreme test of courage. That kind of thing always had the benefit for myself that a) it would feel pretty great if I survived, due to the adrenaline rush; b) being deniable to the people who cared for me as a suicide attempt if I got hurt or died.

Later, when I actually considered suicide by chemicals, the whole thing had a rather stabilizing effect on me - it really felt like I was taking control of my life once again! Researching pharmaceutical and medical information, visiting doctors and pharmacies, telling them stories and symptoms to gain access to prescribed drugs, planning a reasonable scenario for dieing without anybody noticing - it felt like I was actually pushing through with a plan for my life that mattered. Actually having the drugs in my room ready for use made me feel rather relaxed about everything. Even at times when I was really down and certainly feeling like hurting myself, having this little inconspicuous box full of pills just a few meters away I could just smile and say to myself "one day I'll just end it, no pressure, you can pick the best occasion".

On the other hand, this "no pressure"-approach, while helpful in those situations, has become a problem on it's own during the times I'm feeling rather well. It has become my first reaction to think "one day...", whenever anything is bothering me, including my career, when I annoy or get annoyed by people I care for, and so on. Even when a really tiny disaster strikes such as dropping some dishes or wasting paper by printing pages I don't really need, my first thought is "one day I'll kill myself and this problem will be over." So basically I'm now quite cowardly fleeing from *any* problem, and I can't deal with much pressure at all without picking up the magic thought.

So I wouldn't advise any sort of suicide preparation as a method for getting "rebooted" into your life, if you're feeling in any way similar.

Chris

 

[NiceGuYKC]

I have'nt tried yet, but I've come pretty damn close to doing it.

 

[Anneinside]

I have never impulsively tried suicide. Each time the attempt came after long, long, pressure to do so. They were all planned, requiring that I stock up on meds or buy some object to do so. I have thought out and written out plans. When I am well, consider writing a will but have been afraid to do it because it is something that helps to hold me back when suicidal. There are other things that stop me but the feelings get to strong and then I take the steps, or, go to the ER, usually after urged by my pdoc, tdoc or support group.

 

[twing]

From what you've said, I don't think you're suicidal, I just think you're doing some extreme forms of Self harming (electrcuting). When I was suicidal, I had very strong urges to kill myself, and in those moments, I could have very easily killed myself.

I have social anxiety too, and you trying to be happy, and sort of pretending to be happy is causing you to compensate for the lack in happiness with Self harming. I don't know you very well, so this is just what i'm gathering from what you've written so far.

i wasn't thinking of self harm when i did it i was thinking i can end it but i agree with the rest of what you said. I guess when pressing the knife into my skin i thought i would never really do it. When i was pressing the switch i thought i would never really do it either but then afterwards i realized just how close i came. I didn't consider myself as suicidal before but this makes me think maybe i should. It feels sort of like this day was never meant to be, but i don't intend on doing anything stupid anytime soon