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Have you ever felt like...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Zebura, Aug 18, 2013.

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  1. Zebura

    Zebura New Member

    Like, your personality wasn't made to persist? From the age of 12 I can trace self destructive thoughts. They've only recently evolved and matured into suicidal ideation. It took only three years for this suicidal journey to run it's course. Everything was so bright before then, my ambition and future were warm and vast. Now, everything good inspires a bitter pain. All the color of my world has melted into the peripheral, so I can only glimpse it in those few moments when I forget myself, and then pulled back down to this hell.

    My pain is sharp and unrelenting. Every morning when I open my eyes, I have to relearn the cruelty of my fate. Even my dreams are dull and void, most nights I dream of nothing. Nothing is easier than this world full of senses, raw nerves and wasted futures. My therapist says I'm very nihilistic and have some amalgamation of anxiety disorders and depression. She calls this "mental illness". But, if this is mental illness, then it's a more frightening affliction than I thought, because it is me. It affects me to the roots of who I am. It is untreatable, and I'm on a sure course for destruction.

    I don't like turning to websites like this, but I'm alone. And, I cringe as I think about how indifferent I would be to someone in my position as if I were you, reading this. But it's a very human thing to reach out even if you're ignored or spurned. I'd be okay with any reaction, really. I guess this my proverbial letter in a bottle.

    Also, sorry about the flowery nature of all this, also the length. I get down right poetic(if not overwrought) about my fate.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    When i am in deep pain that is when i get poetic it is the voice of my sadness not me You are NOT your illness hun your not ok and mental illness can be treatable may not be cured but it is treatable so we can learn to cope with living I am sorry you are so down right now and i hope coming here and posting your words will help ease that pain hugs
  3. darkdays

    darkdays Active Member

    Zebura, waxing poetic is a good thing. I like the way you write, and there are probably a lot of people here who get as passionate when describing their mental illness. You will find that most mentally ill people are quite intelligent and very creative (this is a simple fact), it comes with the territory. As for mental illness being untreatable, you are mistaken. If it were this forum would probably have about a million members and many more guests. Mental illness is, at present (as far as I know) uncurable but it definitely is treatable for most people, but because it is such a complex problem with many variables that take time to discover, it takes time (usually) to find the right treatment. Anyway, sorry for preaching. I know that if you take the time to look around here you will discover that you have a lot in common with some of the other people.
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