Have you ever felt that you are only staying alive for others and not yourself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheInstantClassic, Sep 3, 2012.

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  1. I could go into my long story about how I got to this place. These thoughts of suicide have been plaguing me for two years. I might have been "depressed" back when I was a young teenager in high school, not having my first girlfriend until 21, not having a prom date, and just doing the bare minimum to get by. I didn't get accepted to the universities of my choosing landing at my safety school which I take full responsibility for. I don't blame the world for my problems I blame myself. Even with all of that, I wasn't suicidal. Maybe mildly depressed but I always had this wild idea of having goals and dreams. That eventually that everything will work out and I will be successful and have the time of my life.
    Fast forward to 2008. I thought I was living the high life. I landed the girl that I felt was out of my league. I had this random burst of self-confidence. I am a larger guy but I was just enjoying life. I was doing well in college. I was leading my fraternity, I was "that" guy. I had the life I had dreamed that I would have in college. I was still an introvert but I had people actually contacting me to hang out. I wasn't a loner. I had a decent job as a college student, I had the awesome newer car. I was going on vacations.
    Maybe I got a little bit cocky. And if I did, I completely accept that. For the guy that was always kicked around I finally getting my chance.
    Within two years all of that collasped. The girlfriend and I got engaged, things happened in life and I lost everything. The job, my ability to afford college, the car, the girlfriend/fiance, my confidence. But most importantly, my goals and my dreams. I am stuck with a college bill of nearly $60,000 and only making $10 an hour. I can't apply for anymore loans. I can't move on my own with that heavy burden. Maybe I over extended myself and again I take full responsiblity for that. I am not blaming the world, I am blaming myself.
    So I feel like that I am not going to be anything in life, so I toyed with suicide, taking extra pills, stopped on the side of a bridge and looked down and thought about jumping and I couldn't. Life kept falling apart. I told my ex that I have been attempting suicide. She sent a text to my mother. (This was in 2010) I denied it. Two months later, I found out that a fraternity brother committed suicide. I felt numb as I knew that if he didn't do it, I would have. I openly admitted to everyone that I have been attempting. I've made numerous promises that I wouldn't attempt. I seeked out a therapist. She threw out that I was "bi-polar". I was giiven a dose of medication in 2010 and I stopped taking it after I heard voices and it made me feel like killing myself. So, being prescribed medication again, I just refused to fill it. To me this isn't a disease. If life didn't turn out the way it did, if events (a lot more occured I just didn't list them all) never happened I wouldn't be thinking that ending it all is the road I wanted to go on. I feel worthless as I am worthless in the eyes of the government. I am getting old, not attractive, and I have nothing of value. I can't date anyone as I have absolutely nothing to bring to the table. I have attempted and been rejected many times like I was when I was younger.
    So. I guess my point is I am just here for my mother and the promises made to various friends. At the same time they don't really contact me or want to hang out or really care. They are only concerned when you are about to make a choice to end it all. I feel like I am just one major life changing event away from just giving up. It is frightening at times and at other times it seems like peace. I don't know...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun many here are doing just that i as well stay alive for the people i care abt. I just cannot pass on my pain to them. Loans so many have them hun I think you can apply to have your school loans forgiven if you are under hardship ask financial dept abt that You are NOT worthless hun ok you depression makes you feel that way I hope in time you decide that you are worthy of helphun. If a disease or not the medication will help you it will givenyou some energy take some depression away then why not hun. You have nothing to lose here h ugs
  3. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    The only reason why I'm staying alive is because the financial burden it would cause my family.
  4. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I can relate to that too. I'm staying alive for my Mom, but she has been fighting both brain and colon cancer for 2 1/2 years now and probably doesn't have much time left. Then I'll be free to go. But I would like to state for the record that I am 49 years old and have been fighting the good fight against depression for 33 years and have tried everything there is to try. You, on the other hand are still young. You could still pull it together to have a half-way decent life. You just have to be willing to accept less than you were hoping for, get over the loss of your dreams and find something a little more attainable to strive for. I was OK for about 10 years doing that. I did have one not half bad decade. The truth is, you're not going to get it all back and you have to accept that and move on. You're young enough to still get something. And you never know, you might decide while looking for a direction in life that you've found something even better. Me, I've lost it all too many times to recover any more. All my chances are gone.
  5. delta

    delta Guest

    The only reason I haven't commited suicide is because I have a family who will struggle to cope without me.
  6. dragonfly70

    dragonfly70 Well-Known Member

    There are definitely times when the only reason I hang on is because of my children. My husband could probably move on without me, but not my kids. They say to the world we're just one person, but to one person we're the world. I am the world to my kids and I can't take their mother from them. So I do what I need to do to keep her safe during the times when her brain is trying to kill her.

    Sorry if it sounds a little creepy talking in the third person, but sometimes it helps me keep things in perspective.
  7. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    While the majority of the time, there is nothing I would like more than to take out into the bush and never return, but yes, for the time being at least, I am living for a few thousand people, for a walk from Sydney to Cairns for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation (NSW/Australia. If it was not for the hope and wishes that that such an endeavour will provide to those countless people, I do think every day that I would like nothing better than just let go and disappear into obscurity. But while I do not have much faith in myself, I do care for other people and because I have started this, I want to follow through with it, no matter how bad I feel before the time comes, because there are too nay people counting on me .
  8. solardust

    solardust Member

    I also am here for my family(kids)the youngest of 5,our 23 yr old daughter is expecting her first child any day now,this will be our 8 th grandbaby,I stay for fear of the unknown,fear that I will be forced to live this again,hope that maybe the terrible pain I suffer will be cured,fear that my choice to die may leave me in worse shape,......for now I hang on,I have found all you good people so that must mean something,a light in a otherwise dark room. Life is mostly froth and bubble,Two things stand like stone,Kindness in another's trouble,Courage in your own.Diana
  9. shukarumarius

    shukarumarius Member

    I'm just staying too for others:my brother and friends...but by the time I reach 40-50 I hope I'll be able to commit suicide or maybe a car will run over me or other accident...
    Let's suppose there will be no accident and we will live to get retired...most of them are older than me.No one can live in the past,I'll reach 80 years and be alone,watching them die one by one...better die before them.
  10. SnowFallenAngel

    SnowFallenAngel Well-Known Member

    No I've never felt like this. I know for sure that most people would rather I wasn't here!
  11. thingsaregonnachange

    thingsaregonnachange Well-Known Member

    Only thing that keeps me going is avoiding my mother the suffering.

    If by some reason she had already passe away or if we didn't have a close relationship I would've done it ages ago.

    Knowing all this I most likely won't end up having kids (I'm in my late 20's) so that if life gets sufficiently unbearable (you could say it already is) the damage won't be greater.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2012
  12. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I did that--decided not to have kids due to having suicidal depression so much. Also didn't want to pass my genes, and maybe more suffering on to another generation. I'm 49 now.
  13. merlinrune

    merlinrune Member

    I had felt like that for most of my life. I am always the one who has to save the day for everyone else. My husband does not understand because he knows nothing about marriage, support, or caring for someone other than himself.

    He looks at me like the maid, housekeeper, and sometimes I believe his mother. I get nothing in return except grief.

    Due to my depression and PTSD I have attempted to remind myself that I am important but it has finally quit working for me. I want to jump off of a cliff in the worst way.

    As for hurting others by my suicide, I don't buy into that one. The only thing that will hurt them is the issue of who will be their doormat now that I am gone?

    I have made my plan and I will not leave any note. If I have to explain it to you then you are dumber than I thought.

    Good luck finding a new doormat.
  14. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I think maybe one or two people would actually be hurt if I died. For that reason, I'm still alive...don't really have any other reasons right now.
  15. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    Yess I do, but for what reason? Only to hurt them more? I think I'll hurt them either way, staying alive or after death [for a couple months].
  16. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Same here. My suicide would be pretty self explanatory as my life appears to suck to even the most casual observer. To those who know all the lost promise that used to be me, they probably wonder how I still hang on and live this way.

    I feel like this sometimes too. I'm so severely depressed, even minimal family obligations are a huge, huge task for me to manage and I feel like I hurt my family by not being there for them anyway. Alive or dead, I'm not there for them, so what difference does it make? Maybe, at least if I were dead, they wouldn't feel so rejected and ignored by me on an ongoing basis.
  17. Blackbird33

    Blackbird33 Well-Known Member

    Until recently I use to think like this not anymore. No one gives a fuck about me when I'm alive so why pretend you're upset when I'm dead. Just throw me in my grave and continue on with your day.
  18. the only reason i'm still here is for my friends and family. i don't want to burden their lives with the loss of my own.
  19. sadguy33

    sadguy33 Banned Member

    My mom used to sing me this sunshine song when I was a little kid and at the end its like "so please don't take my sunshine away" that is the only reason I'm still alive.
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