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I could go into my long story about how I got to this place. These thoughts of suicide have been plaguing me for two years. I might have been "depressed" back when I was a young teenager in high school, not having my first girlfriend until 21, not having a prom date, and just doing the bare minimum to get by. I didn't get accepted to the universities of my choosing landing at my safety school which I take full responsibility for. I don't blame the world for my problems I blame myself. Even with all of that, I wasn't suicidal. Maybe mildly depressed but I always had this wild idea of having goals and dreams. That eventually that everything will work out and I will be successful and have the time of my life.
Fast forward to 2008. I thought I was living the high life. I landed the girl that I felt was out of my league. I had this random burst of self-confidence. I am a larger guy but I was just enjoying life. I was doing well in college. I was leading my fraternity, I was "that" guy. I had the life I had dreamed that I would have in college. I was still an introvert but I had people actually contacting me to hang out. I wasn't a loner. I had a decent job as a college student, I had the awesome newer car. I was going on vacations.
Maybe I got a little bit cocky. And if I did, I completely accept that. For the guy that was always kicked around I finally getting my chance.
Within two years all of that collasped. The girlfriend and I got engaged, things happened in life and I lost everything. The job, my ability to afford college, the car, the girlfriend/fiance, my confidence. But most importantly, my goals and my dreams. I am stuck with a college bill of nearly $60,000 and only making $10 an hour. I can't apply for anymore loans. I can't move on my own with that heavy burden. Maybe I over extended myself and again I take full responsiblity for that. I am not blaming the world, I am blaming myself.
So I feel like that I am not going to be anything in life, so I toyed with suicide, taking extra pills, stopped on the side of a bridge and looked down and thought about jumping and I couldn't. Life kept falling apart. I told my ex that I have been attempting suicide. She sent a text to my mother. (This was in 2010) I denied it. Two months later, I found out that a fraternity brother committed suicide. I felt numb as I knew that if he didn't do it, I would have. I openly admitted to everyone that I have been attempting. I've made numerous promises that I wouldn't attempt. I seeked out a therapist. She threw out that I was "bi-polar". I was giiven a dose of medication in 2010 and I stopped taking it after I heard voices and it made me feel like killing myself. So, being prescribed medication again, I just refused to fill it. To me this isn't a disease. If life didn't turn out the way it did, if events (a lot more occured I just didn't list them all) never happened I wouldn't be thinking that ending it all is the road I wanted to go on. I feel worthless as I am worthless in the eyes of the government. I am getting old, not attractive, and I have nothing of value. I can't date anyone as I have absolutely nothing to bring to the table. I have attempted and been rejected many times like I was when I was younger.
So. I guess my point is I am just here for my mother and the promises made to various friends. At the same time they don't really contact me or want to hang out or really care. They are only concerned when you are about to make a choice to end it all. I feel like I am just one major life changing event away from just giving up. It is frightening at times and at other times it seems like peace. I don't know...
Fast forward to 2008. I thought I was living the high life. I landed the girl that I felt was out of my league. I had this random burst of self-confidence. I am a larger guy but I was just enjoying life. I was doing well in college. I was leading my fraternity, I was "that" guy. I had the life I had dreamed that I would have in college. I was still an introvert but I had people actually contacting me to hang out. I wasn't a loner. I had a decent job as a college student, I had the awesome newer car. I was going on vacations.
Maybe I got a little bit cocky. And if I did, I completely accept that. For the guy that was always kicked around I finally getting my chance.
Within two years all of that collasped. The girlfriend and I got engaged, things happened in life and I lost everything. The job, my ability to afford college, the car, the girlfriend/fiance, my confidence. But most importantly, my goals and my dreams. I am stuck with a college bill of nearly $60,000 and only making $10 an hour. I can't apply for anymore loans. I can't move on my own with that heavy burden. Maybe I over extended myself and again I take full responsiblity for that. I am not blaming the world, I am blaming myself.
So I feel like that I am not going to be anything in life, so I toyed with suicide, taking extra pills, stopped on the side of a bridge and looked down and thought about jumping and I couldn't. Life kept falling apart. I told my ex that I have been attempting suicide. She sent a text to my mother. (This was in 2010) I denied it. Two months later, I found out that a fraternity brother committed suicide. I felt numb as I knew that if he didn't do it, I would have. I openly admitted to everyone that I have been attempting. I've made numerous promises that I wouldn't attempt. I seeked out a therapist. She threw out that I was "bi-polar". I was giiven a dose of medication in 2010 and I stopped taking it after I heard voices and it made me feel like killing myself. So, being prescribed medication again, I just refused to fill it. To me this isn't a disease. If life didn't turn out the way it did, if events (a lot more occured I just didn't list them all) never happened I wouldn't be thinking that ending it all is the road I wanted to go on. I feel worthless as I am worthless in the eyes of the government. I am getting old, not attractive, and I have nothing of value. I can't date anyone as I have absolutely nothing to bring to the table. I have attempted and been rejected many times like I was when I was younger.
So. I guess my point is I am just here for my mother and the promises made to various friends. At the same time they don't really contact me or want to hang out or really care. They are only concerned when you are about to make a choice to end it all. I feel like I am just one major life changing event away from just giving up. It is frightening at times and at other times it seems like peace. I don't know...