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Have you ever felt....

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by White Dove, Jul 19, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    HATED ... ??

    Have you ever felt like everything you say or do is so wrong?

    It seems that when i am down at the worst i always get left alone... it seems like no one cares and if i say or do something wrong then i am just left alone because of it...

    i just feel like there is no one there for me...

    like the world is against me...

    i mean i even feel like God is against me cause he gave me this stupid cancer...

    i feel like those that are suppose to be my friends seem to leave me when i need them the most...

    i feel so low right now.. so downhearted... and when i post my true feelings online here it is like i am doing something so wrong.... It is like i truly have no one... really and honestly i truly have no one...

    no one understands my pain and my fears that i am battling ... no one understands that i am honestly trying to stay alive and trying to fight it but i honestly dont think i can anymore... i want to fight but i just dont think i can.. i want to help others but i dont think i am even able to do that....

    When i dont post it worries people and when i do post that i honestly have true feelings of taking my life it is seen as me wanting to hurt others or wanting to worry others but that is not true.. i post the true feelings i have at that time..

    i am sorry , i am so sorry that i cant be the helping person that i need to be here.. i cant seem to do nothing right. i cant seem to post the right words anymore and when i post my true feelings of wanting to take my life it worries others and hurts others.. i am just so hurting right now.. the emotional pain is taking over the physical pain and i feel totally alone and wasted..

    i am useless . i am nothing. i cant seem to help others and i cant help myself... im sorry everyone.. i truly am sorry for the hurt and the worries.. i just am a nobody.. just a nobody...
  2. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    dont worry about being here to help others. We can be here to help you. And dont be afraid t post your true feelings either. It may worry some, but they're better out than in!
    Revealing how you feel can help others also, for example, you're suffering from cancer...im not, its makes me feel more for you. Makes me look selfish. I dont feel havted, just alone, like an invisible thing just flying around who sometime ppl see but never acknowledge.
  3. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    but i cant do anything right anymore...

    i know that what i post here is the truth and is my true feelings and what i am feeling at the time but it seems to be so confusing to some and seems like i am just to weird...

    i just feel so alone and so hated.. like every one is against me , even God... i mean if he really and truly loved me then why did he give me cancer???

    i seen my mom go through it so why do i have to go through it?

    this pain is so much tonight and i even feel afraid to even speak what im feeling here online at SF now that i was told i was worring others..

    i want no hurt upon noone and if im doing that while trying to find comfort for myself then i really need to not even be here.. i dont want to hurt others or be selfish.. and if i am hurting others or worrying others because i need comfort then is that not sel;fish on my part??

    i just dont know... all these emotions are hitting me hard tonight.. perhaps it is because i have to see the doc tomorrow? maybe its something else?

    im sorry , i am ranting on about myself again...
  4. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    this is a forum, typing how you feel is hard enough, let alone trying to explain it enough so other users can understand fully. We all have a rough idea how others feel, but truely only you know how you feel, and its hard to tell others.

    Dont worry about worrying other users, not everyone knows you (like me). You're not selfish at all! this is what this forum is for.

    Personally I'm not religious, but maybe god gave you cancer, to prove to you how strong you can be. I dont know if its terminal, but you're fighting it right? maybe you'll come out the other end a survivor. Were you depressed before being diagnosed?
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    yes it is terminal.. it kills every one who gets it within a years time .. mine has spread to othjer organs which has hamppered any hopes of survival or surgery , only chemo and radiation can decrease some of the pain and might help prolong my life a few months longer..

    depressed , yes i have always struggled with being depressed and had attempted my life 3 times in the past , each time it has gotten easier to do it. and personally i think the last attempt may have brought on me this cancer so basically i think i have truly succeeded into taking my life.. my last attempt damaged my liver and now 2 years later i have liver cancer that has spread to other organs.. well as for fighting it , i guess i am just surviving as long as the Lord will let me.. perhaps God who knows my true heart has something special for me in heaven and in that case then i guess i am ready , even though i highly doubt i will make it into heaven , i mean , i cant even make things right with one of Gods ministers so how can i even get into heaven??
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You are not hated here for posting the way you feel. I understand what you are saying about wondering if even God is against you because of the cancer. I often wonder if I was abandoned because of the things that have happened to me. I have had a book recommended to me called Is God to Blame? I can't remember the authors name right now, but when I find out I will let you know. Maybe it will help to answer some of your questions in that area. I think you are more helpful through some of your posts than you realize. You give support and should be able to accept support. Let us give that to you as we can. :hug:
  7. thething912

    thething912 Well-Known Member

    Every hate me .but, you know what? I could care less.
  8. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i dont hate you..

    God dont hate you...
  9. LostMyMind

    LostMyMind Well-Known Member

    Yes. I feel that everything I do, say and think is completely wrong most of the time.
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i dont think you say or do anything wrong..

    now me?? Yes i myself do but not you... please dont think you do anything wrong cause you do not.. okay?

    love you..
  11. ShalenaM

    ShalenaM Well-Known Member

    I love all of you, you guys are like family!!..No haters!! All love..we all need the support..:)
  12. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    thanks gentlelady..

    When you find out the info for that book , please let me know by pm and maybe where i could get it at..

    Well accepting support from here will be much needed as the days go by and my health gets worse.. i know it is only a matter of time before i go but i also have to try and keep my faith in God and think of it as God needs me in heaven for something... Must be important for him to take me this soon...
    Did get to go to church today and i took of the lords supper today also.. the pain is hitting me hard tonight again but i have an appointment with hospice next week and then maybe i can get the pain meds and all that can help ease the pain some.. Doc has put me on the cancer drug nexavar and i take that 2 times a day to help prolong my life for up to 10 months , so maybe i get to see christmas this year for the last time and maybe even new years.. Did took that nexavar this morning but did not eat and was really sick at my stomach for a while but after i ate it seems to have helped me.. The minister from church now knows about my cancer but has not told the congregation per my wishes.. i asked him to just keep me in his prayers until i get homebound in a bed with IV- drips and all then he can tell the congregation then.

    Still havent spoken with the daltons to try and ease my mind on some things. Guess i have to go to my grave with a troubled spirit somewhat, but they really couldnt care at all and in fact to me they are DEAD.. just like my mom is dead. they dont care at all for me , never did , and i loved them very much and the hurting is deep and emotional at times , so i may come on here all emotional a few more times but i will do my best not to be that way and try and put my mind upon heaven and upon the fact that i will soon meet jesus face to face.

    still havent told my family yet, dont know how to tell them.. it is going to be hard for me to tell them..but i have to someday..

    i diffently will need support here , especially when i get worser and the pain starts hitting me harder. but just wanted to say thanks to you gentlelady for the kind reply.. love you.

    White Dove
  13. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member


    I LOVE YOU TOO.!!!
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