calm, and fairly 'put together' and suicidal at the same time? I usually become extremely suicidal in a sort of manic state. I've always been either extremely hurt, angry or have an unbelievable sadness when I think about offing myself. Tonight i'm sitting at my computer, listening to music, and as calm as still water I see myself dead. I wanted to kill myself at that very moment. As soon as I start to sort of grin- I start thinking of who'd find me? How would they cope? would they? ...etc..etc...etc.