Have you ever felt...

[bean82187]

..that you were outcasted most of your life by friends?

Here is my story (don't worry it's very brief). I feel that I've been outcasted by my friends since middle school and high school. I got those looks that you know for a fact you were being judged right then and there because you don't fit under their "high standards"

When I went on into college, I thought things would be better. Well, I joined the greek system and it was 3x worse. Granted I did make a couple of really good friends there but joining a fraternity made me feel very inferior. Everytime we had a party, I felt as if they just wanted me to be at an area where all the beautiful women didn't see me so they were not creeped out or anything. Essentially, freshman all the way through sophomore year of college I was selfless and gave a lot but felt inferior. Junior year however, I became the COMPLETE opposite. I became a selfish and prideful jerk to those I REALLY despised thinking that it would fill my void. Senior year I got a girlfriend who used me but I broke it off. I just recently graduated with 2 business degrees.

So I tell you all of this to ask this: Why do I still feel this way?? I still feel very intimated by people, especially beautiful women. At times, I feel incredibly hateful to those because I always think/feel that they are on top of the world and will just laugh at me. If this helps, I was very sheltered throughout my high school years and I was bullied a bit junior year of high school. It's just driving me nuts. I havn't felt happy in years because of all of this...

Most of my friends and acquaintances are living the high-life, having a good time going to the river, camping WITH FRIENDS, and getting married. It's as if I don't exist. When I get a job, I've honestly thought about completely changing my entire identity just for the purpose if erasing that past and all the people in it. We're talking a new name and everything (I know it sounds weird but like I said, it's driving me nuts) Help?

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi Bean and welcome...sounds like you have so much going for you, things you have accomplished...maybe working in a theraputic relationship about these issues will give you a better understanding of why you do not 'own' all of your goodness...just my 2 cents,and welcome again, J

 

[bean82187]

Thank you very much for the warm welcome! Yeah, I've gone to several therapy appointments but I havn't touched on that subject with them...kinda afraid to.

 

[bean82187]

It sucks too because not only have I been bullied in middle school and highschool... I have a problem with women too. My friends and family know about it but they tell me that it's ok, you moved on their are better people out there. blah blah blah but of course, i havn't been ok and I'll tell y'all the story

I apologize ahead of time for posting again but here is what started all of this. In a nutshell, back when I was a senior in high school, I went out with a girl for almost 2 years. Toward the end of the relationship, she cheated on me behind my back while we were on vacation with her AND her family (yes her family, no family members of mine, just me and her family). At first she broke up with me during the trip and didn't find out until several days later that she had done this. So throughout the remainder of my stay, I had to put up with her flirting with her new bf over the phone and texting and the whole bit. I managed to get a flight back and I took about 3-4 different flights back ALL the way back home (to TX). That may not seem so bad for y'all but if you had the chance to live those moments...you'd understand.

I mean I understand that cheating happens and its an absolutely terrible thing for anyone to do but I can't imagine a normal human being that would do or even think of something like that. I had never felt so shattered in my entire life during that time. Throughout the next few months, I did nothing but cry and question myself if I was worth it. Then it transformed to anger and hate. I hated women for THE longest time. My mindset was, if she is capable of doing that, all women are.

It's scary because I just graduated college and I'm still not sure if I can help this. I dated a girl for a year in college to give it a shot but she turned out to be crazy too. I ended that relationship mutually before anything could potentially get worse.

Women, don't get the wrong message, I'm not being chauvinist by any means. I never had any of those thoughts about yall whatsoever. Men and women are equals. I understand that yall are not a big fan of guys because you want them to be more affectionate and show that they care, but there are guys out there that have feelings. It's good that y'all are tough against us guys at times because a lot of us need it. Just watch your limits because you can affect a man hardcore to the soul. One girl did to me and she messed me up. Nowadays, when women talk to me, I just think they want to use me. I apologize if I seem like I'm rambling but this was the best time for me to get this out and ask for help... if any such help exists.