have you ever forgiven an abuser? do you think that they can change?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by morning rush, Jun 21, 2013.

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  1. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    have you ever forgiven an abuser? do you think that they can change?

    I've been thinking of talking to my dad, but I am so scared. Like I did the wrong thing by not talking to him and his family for almost three years.

    I did call, but my step sis answered and I blurted out I wanted to talk to her mom (well I named her) she wasn't there and so I said okay and hung up. Step sis didn't even recognized me, at least I don't think so. But I feel like I'm a thief of some sort.

    At first I was determined never to forgive my step sis, but now that I heard her voice, I'm not sure. Maybe I can forgive them....or maybe I'm giving them another option to hurt me...
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It has taken me years, but I can say I have...I am having more problems forgiving my mother who sent me to my father to be abused...both parents have died, but I think forgiveness is for ourselves, and as you see in my status, I am truly hoping to forgive my mother too...please PM me if you wish me to provide more details, as such...with caring and so sorry you are in this situation...I truly know the hell it is
     
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I forgave my grandfather, but only years after he had died.
    I don't know if I could ever have done it while he was alive, but even in death it was cathartic and felt like I'd laid down a burden too long held on to.

    Forgiven I may have, but I never ever want to see his face again.
     
  4. Nekosuki

    Nekosuki Member

    I'm not sure if I can ever completely forgive....I am told it's a healthy thing and a sign that you have dealt with the pain but some things just can't be forgiven
     
  5. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    I forgave them, mostly because now I understand them a bit more. Some can change, some cant because it defines them too much, it is who they are and in the end they understand it too, even if in other terms. The others who can change, evolve, learn from their actions and actually regret it. This is what I noticed..
    So I guess that untill you see your family again you will never know if they changed or not.
     
  6. Neverforget

    Neverforget Member

    You forgive for YOU. Forgiveness takes away the resentments that eat at you. It takes away the constant and obsessive thoughts of revenge. It empowers you to take charge of your life and start living for you. Forgiveness frees you from the bonds of being a victim.

    I forgave and surprisingly I started to forget. The flashbacks became less frequent.

    I also moved thousands of miles away and cut off ties for more than 15 years. I have chosen never to face or confront my abusers. My abusers were in my family.
     
  7. frypan367

    frypan367 Well-Known Member

    No. She hasn't even once tried to say sorry or shown any remorse. In fact she was mad at me for not allowing myself to be threatened manipulated and coerced into doing things anymore.
     
  8. LostInMyDaydreams

    LostInMyDaydreams Well-Known Member

    I'm not sure, it's always been hard for me to forgive lately cause I'm always scared of them hurting me again in the future. It'll probably take me awhile for me to be able to forgive anyone I think.
    Especially if they have abused me. You're not alone struggling with this though, I still struggle everyday trying to forgive my abusers. But I don't think I can at the moment.

    I'm here if you ever need to talk.
     
  9. Lux

    Lux Well-Known Member

    I suppose it depends on who the abuser was, and situation and circumstance, but I know I probably will never forgive the person that abused me.
     
  10. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    thank you so much for your replies. I don't feel so alone in my conflicts.

    I did call and talked to them, to be honest they didn't really change and to be honest it felt as though they won and I lost because I crawled back to them. But it did calm me down a bit. I had a dream where I told my dad off and that made me feel better...although during the night I had a dream my dad wanted to rape me so...idk...

    I think you are right, neverforget, i need to forgive for myself. Or maybe forgive myself because I think I do blame myself for certain things. I'm only human after all...
     
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I have many conflicts. Do I want to really forgive them? Do they deserve forgiveness? Every time the answer is no to these questions. But then I think, if I don't forgive, then I won't let go and start to forget. I want to forget, but I don't want to forgive.
     
  12. broke

    broke Well-Known Member

    My wife neither forgave or forgot the abuse from her parents, yet she still chooses to spend huge amounts of time with her mom and always comes back a complete mess. Her Dad is out of her life forever. Her Mom uses guilt to push her way back in. When once upon a time we trusted and loved each other, my wife confided in me and told me all that was done to her. Her Mom was out of her life at this time, and my wife was making major progress. I can only say people are who and what they are regardless of how anyone wants to see them as being. Good luck.
     
  13. Mayflower7

    Mayflower7 Banned Member

    No I won't ever forgive any of my abusers, they did not need to do it. Pathetic all of them. They have the problems not me. I am ignoring the lot of them. People do not understand, they think you deserved it. I will never trust anybody.
     
  14. unnoticed

    unnoticed Well-Known Member

    Hell no
     
  15. Lorax

    Lorax Well-Known Member

    The ones that abused me have been forgiven. Their actions turned my life into hell, i'll never get over the issues they brought out. But they were a huge part of my life. So i forgive the people, not the actions. It's all i can do, or my head gets into "bad place"
     
  16. deathangel101

    deathangel101 Well-Known Member

    hunny jus take time and think about it listen to your heart fully becuz one day u may say ok i forgive this person but 2 weeks later u might have a flashback and say i cnt forgive that person yet...i have done this many times with my dad and brother and right now i am not forgiving them i still have too much anger built up i need to get rid of but i dnt kno ur situation but hunny just listen to ur heart hear it fully before u decide anything becuz u might only be listening to one part of it!!!!!
     
  17. Moubliez

    Moubliez New Member

    I forgave all the ones from my childhood, I understand that they were messed up and that they were young too.

    I havent forgiven the most recent ones, but I have let go, and I have made sure they are out of my life, but it all still sticks with me.
    I will not be able to forgive what happened, and I do feel shame when girls start yelling about consent and it brings it all back, but I do know that it was not my fault, I couldnt have prevented it because I cannot go back, and all I can do now, is protect myself and become a strong person.
     
  18. please forgive me

    please forgive me Account Closed

    I have forgave pretty much those that verbally abused me as I was growing up. but my self esteem is shot, I also forgave my mom who sexualy abused me, that was a process, i did not forget what she did, she has passed away several years ago.
     
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