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Have you ever prayed to God to 'shoot' you off?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kri_Kristen, Apr 25, 2008.

  1. Kri_Kristen

    Kri_Kristen New Member

    Well, I'm new here, and there are a lot of forums so I apologize if I posted in the wrong section.
    This will be long, so I'm sorry for that too...

    I'm 15, birthday was today. I have 2 friends. One understands me, her mother died recently, she has 4 siblings(younger, she's the oldest), she isn't quite living her 15 the full way... We match when it comes to these things and we get each other, but she has something I never actually had(and I'm terribly afraid that I might never have) : real friends. Her friends always stand up for her, would go to her place at 12 a.m. to cheer her up,.... And she also lives quite far away, and outside school, I barely see her, or hear from her.
    My other friend has 1 sibling, also younger, parents, she has no financial or what-so-ever problems... We just can't get each other. She doesn't have friends besides the other girl and me.

    My problem is, I get hurt a lot. For example: We're in this week. I and the 2nd friend(let's call her Sue) decide:"We'll go out next Saturday out, shopping and just hanging out." Ok, fine. That Saturday comes, at 4 P.M., she calls:"Sorry, I can't go out, Hellen(<-the 1st friend) just called me, we're going to the playground in the woods to practice for the football match next week, with Gaby." That's it. No invitation: 'wana come look us play?', or whatever... nothing... Who cares 'bout Linda? I cried that day all afternoon and night(in brakes). After a few days I asked her how was practice, and she tells me Hellen called 15 minutes before they would meet, and said she can't make it. Dear ol' Sue stayed at home all the day, while I cried my eyes off.

    Next example? Today. Last year I planned my b-day ahead, 1 month. This year, less 'cause they had no idea of their schedule. So 2 days ago, Hellen said "Why don't we go to my place on Sunday?". Great! Today they tell me they can't make it at all, Hellen... I don't even remember what was her problem... And Sue: "Listen, I and Hellen have some history project, we'll be doing it all Sunday, and I have already some plans to go out with Sophie on Saturday...." Normally; today, on my 15th birthday, my eyes were full with tears during class. I cried at home for half an hour, and I think I will probably again tonight. I'm just too depressed and angry right now to cry,

    Why can she cancel our plans, for others who just step in the last moment, but would never cancel something for me? I'm always there for her. And she's all sad when she gets an F, and I tend to cheer her up...

    How come my only friends care less? Do they really think I'm ok with it? No, they don't! Hellen later asked me continuously if I'm ok, I sad a dull 'yes', and she said,'no, you're not, I know you're not.'.

    Am I just too nice? Is it that? Linda won't bother? I do sometimes get angry at something, but I don't make a huge fuss over it. Is it that? Do I have to make a HUGE MESS, so my fucking friends would start really caring about Linda?

    And so, completely desperate, over all... I've been praying for the last month or two, to God. I've been praying: "God please, just take me away. Don't wake me up tomorrow. I don't want to wake up. For once in my life, make my pray come true."

    I thought of suicide, but I love my family, and my suicide would kill my father. Ma mother, works in another country, and she's drunk 90% of the time when she's home. My bro once told her to stop an all... She cried for the whole night, then did not drink for a day or two, than got back to as before, like as if nothing happened. We're actually afraid to fuss on hoer over it, 'cause we're afraid she might just never come back? (she works for 2 months, and comes home for a week. She started working like hat, but 15 days home, 15 days work, when I was 3. she got preagnant with my eldest bro when she was 18(probably dead drunk, or whatever), both my bros are half-bros. Each of us has our own dad). My dad is still with us, of course, but he's 68, and very sick lately. If he goes away -dies- , I have nothing more to live for, actually. He's the only real rock in my life, who will always tell me things how they are.

    Am I just too nice? Is it that? Linda won't bother? Linda will be alway there for me, so I don't have to care about her feelings?

    I'm getting my chrism this July, and I pray to God to kill me. That way, dad at least wouldn't die asking himself why did his baby girl, only normal daughter, kill herself?
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2008
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun you may not like my answer but here goes. I'm 44 and have a 12, 14 and 17 year old. So from my own experiences and those of my kids, I think I'm pretty sure about this. 15 year old girls can be very cruel and unthinking. Not all but most. Their prioroties like true friends and other peoples feelings just arent very high. What makes them happy is the most important. But then there are girls like you. So sensative to others feelings and needs. And only wanting to make them happy and help them whenever you can. But you need to stand up for yourself too and that can be so hard. But your friends cant understand that you are hurting if you dont let them know hun. When they ask, you need to tell them the truth. Tell them when you see them after a last minute ditch that it hurt you. That you would of liked to be included even if it meant just being a spectator at the practice etc. You need to tell them what you want and need. You dont need to be nasty just politely state the facts. From there you can only hope that they see your honesty and how they have hurt you. It hurts right now, but when you are grown you will see that they weren't meant to be your best and closest friends. You'll make many because you are a special person that cares about others as well as yourself. Good luck and pm if you want to talk.
  3. bb564

    bb564 Guest

    I think you're pretty much me. I'm too nice to my friends, and they always let me down. Every weekend I'm let down, and I end up sitting around at home getting more and more suicidal. I'm also 15, my birthdays are crap, people rarely show up. My friends do what they want to do, nothing to do with loyalty or commitment, just what they want to do, they're too immature to know how rude they are and how upsetting it is. I never want to confront them, I would feel like an idiot, and I often think I am asking too much of them.

    I've been asking my friend to help me out with this girl I like who he is friends with, and it's been about 2 months of us arranging some day where the 3 of us will go out somewhere etc. and he cancels everytime to play golf or revise or some other stupid shit. Sometimes I just think, "fuck, is revision really better than spending time with me? Am I that much of a pain?".

    If you wanna talk, PM me, I know exactly the position you're in, and how easy it is to feel worthless and hate yourself in said position, but don't, it's them, not you. Most people underestimate the potential of friendship, and see friends as tools.
  4. bb564

    bb564 Guest

    Also, my mother is an alcoholic too.
  5. Entoloma43

    Entoloma43 Well-Known Member

    Have you talked to either of the friends about these issues? Perhaps they are unaware how much they are effecting you, and if you talk to them about it would be able to change.
  6. Kri_Kristen

    Kri_Kristen New Member

    Thank you all for your replies, you really all made me feel a lot better, honestly.

    And yes, well, the same week, on Sunday, we all three got in a fight and I told them everything how they can harm me sometimes. We got that straightened now. Though something later happened that made me 'mad' at my friend. That's not important right now though, it doesn't really make me sad or anything right now.

    Thanx again, you really helped.

    P.S. itmahanh : No, I like your answer, it is very real and probably very true. Thank you.