Well, I'm new here, and there are a lot of forums so I apologize if I posted in the wrong section. This will be long, so I'm sorry for that too... I'm 15, birthday was today. I have 2 friends. One understands me, her mother died recently, she has 4 siblings(younger, she's the oldest), she isn't quite living her 15 the full way... We match when it comes to these things and we get each other, but she has something I never actually had(and I'm terribly afraid that I might never have) : real friends. Her friends always stand up for her, would go to her place at 12 a.m. to cheer her up,.... And she also lives quite far away, and outside school, I barely see her, or hear from her. My other friend has 1 sibling, also younger, parents, she has no financial or what-so-ever problems... We just can't get each other. She doesn't have friends besides the other girl and me. My problem is, I get hurt a lot. For example: We're in this week. I and the 2nd friend(let's call her Sue) decide:"We'll go out next Saturday out, shopping and just hanging out." Ok, fine. That Saturday comes, at 4 P.M., she calls:"Sorry, I can't go out, Hellen(<-the 1st friend) just called me, we're going to the playground in the woods to practice for the football match next week, with Gaby." That's it. No invitation: 'wana come look us play?', or whatever... nothing... Who cares 'bout Linda? I cried that day all afternoon and night(in brakes). After a few days I asked her how was practice, and she tells me Hellen called 15 minutes before they would meet, and said she can't make it. Dear ol' Sue stayed at home all the day, while I cried my eyes off. Next example? Today. Last year I planned my b-day ahead, 1 month. This year, less 'cause they had no idea of their schedule. So 2 days ago, Hellen said "Why don't we go to my place on Sunday?". Great! Today they tell me they can't make it at all, Hellen... I don't even remember what was her problem... And Sue: "Listen, I and Hellen have some history project, we'll be doing it all Sunday, and I have already some plans to go out with Sophie on Saturday...." Normally; today, on my 15th birthday, my eyes were full with tears during class. I cried at home for half an hour, and I think I will probably again tonight. I'm just too depressed and angry right now to cry, Why can she cancel our plans, for others who just step in the last moment, but would never cancel something for me? I'm always there for her. And she's all sad when she gets an F, and I tend to cheer her up... How come my only friends care less? Do they really think I'm ok with it? No, they don't! Hellen later asked me continuously if I'm ok, I sad a dull 'yes', and she said,'no, you're not, I know you're not.'. Am I just too nice? Is it that? Linda won't bother? I do sometimes get angry at something, but I don't make a huge fuss over it. Is it that? Do I have to make a HUGE MESS, so my fucking friends would start really caring about Linda? And so, completely desperate, over all... I've been praying for the last month or two, to God. I've been praying: "God please, just take me away. Don't wake me up tomorrow. I don't want to wake up. For once in my life, make my pray come true." I thought of suicide, but I love my family, and my suicide would kill my father. Ma mother, works in another country, and she's drunk 90% of the time when she's home. My bro once told her to stop an all... She cried for the whole night, then did not drink for a day or two, than got back to as before, like as if nothing happened. We're actually afraid to fuss on hoer over it, 'cause we're afraid she might just never come back? (she works for 2 months, and comes home for a week. She started working like hat, but 15 days home, 15 days work, when I was 3. she got preagnant with my eldest bro when she was 18(probably dead drunk, or whatever), both my bros are half-bros. Each of us has our own dad). My dad is still with us, of course, but he's 68, and very sick lately. If he goes away -dies- , I have nothing more to live for, actually. He's the only real rock in my life, who will always tell me things how they are. Am I just too nice? Is it that? Linda won't bother? Linda will be alway there for me, so I don't have to care about her feelings? I'm getting my chrism this July, and I pray to God to kill me. That way, dad at least wouldn't die asking himself why did his baby girl, only normal daughter, kill herself?