Have you ever..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by cordial1, Jun 21, 2011.

  1. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    Have you ever frozen up when you're trying to tell your doctor about your suicidal feelings?

    That is exactly what I did today. It was my first time ever talking to a doctor about my mental health, so I made myself get up early, about an hour and a half earlier than my appointment so that I couldn't chicken out of it. I sign in and wait, watch the boring t.v. until my name is called, sit for 30 minutes in agony, and then she walks in. My family doctor is so cool. She like "Whats up, how are things, is this just a check up?"

    [No this is not a check up, I'm about to tell you how I've been thinking about killing myself for the past two weeks. How I've had nightmares about this appointment, and how I've only told 2 other people about this....issue.]

    "Yeah, kinda.." [This is your chance, tell her, you're here, you're paying for this.. Tell her.] "Except, I've been feeling kind of down here lately, not myself, ya know.]

    She says, "Oh, are you feeling ill?" [Bless her heart.]

    "No, just not myself, since I've come home and haven't been doing much other than work I've noticed my mood is swinging hard, I have had some real good highs, and some real bad lows, I can't sleep... ra ra ra" [Anddd you were seriously thinking about killing yourself the other night... You were holding a handful your dad's prescription pills.]

    In the end she's like, "Well it sounds to me like bipolar." [Which I'd guessed, my mother has only been calling me bipolar for as long as I can remember, but it is only after I have a complete mental breakdown that she decides maybe I should talk to someone.]

    So I do, and I blow it. I'm now on a waiting list to talk to a therapist that is 3 hours away from where I live.. Great.
     
  2. the masked depressant

    the masked depressant Well-Known Member

    i've have done this to my therapist.

    i remember it took her half hour to try get it out of me

    not the easiest thing to do when you're such an anxious wreck..
     
  3. cordial1

    cordial1 Well-Known Member

    I hope when I see this therapist in IDK how many months, that it'll be a quality visit, and I won't lock up again. I just feel stupid about admitting these things. Like, I know its not stupid, but I've just been so used to being told "you'll get over it," or "you're just moody," or "its just a phase" for so long, I lock up, and don't even want to reach out.

    I can get myself there, to the point of reaching out for help, but then its like I want someone to believe me, or be interested, and if they don't ask, I can't voluntarily talk about it.

    The one friend I told about it spoiled me by guessing what was wrong, but he's just too cool anyways.

    Its just so hard. :(
     
  4. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    You've gotten further than I have. I haven't managed to physically enter a doctor's office yet, partly for fear that I'll freeze in just the way you've described here.

    Something I've been told to do to make it easier, and that could do if you need to as well when you see this therapist, is to write down what you need them to know on a piece of paper and bring it with you. If you can't speak, hand them the paper and let them read it.
     
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    well at least you'll see someone....maybe by that time you can get your courage to tell the person what's going on...

    I know that you need it now and that it feels like waiting forever, I've been there, thought it would never happen...but I kept myself busy, forced myself to think of other things, keep my brain occupied and now the people I needed to call have called...took months...it's a miracle I made it till then...but its do able....

    :hug:
     
  6. April

    April Member

    Im fairly sure we all have!! Its a difficult and surreal experience to wait for half an hour in a quiet room with magazines from 1982, then sit in an office with the same person who gave up childhood vacines and tell them you want to kill yourself. Then give them all the info, the type of thoughts, how often, how long, details of self harm, who have you talked to, etc. knowing full well that they are going to attend the paitent after you without showing any affect your story has had on them.

    It's difficult, exhausting, confusing and, in the short term, unappealing. Yet we do it for our own good. I freeze up alot if Im in a low. I just cant bring myself to 'confess' my feelings. What helps now is writing down a list of what i want to say, if only to say it all in one sitting with a person who will listen and try their best to help. If a list seems a bit weird or elderly, then write down key words and the back of your hand. Its strange when you leave and realise all you had to say. Remember, you could have the most lovely, caring, wonderfull doctor in the world, but they're still not bleedin' psychic!!!

    :Jehuty: (dont you just love that smiley! Dont know when its truly appropriate but I love it)