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Have you forgiven your abuser(s)?

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bitethebullet, Jun 27, 2012.

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  1. bitethebullet

    bitethebullet New Member

    I thought I had forgiven my abusers but I'm not so sure anymore. I don't think that it's helped me in any way.

    They've never expressed regret. I'm tired of pretending that nothing's wrong, that nothing ever happened. I don't want to forgive them just because they're family. Why should I? I used to believe that they were regretful, which was a comfort. But now I've found out that one of them is bragging at work about what he did to me. I also tried to excuse their behavior with their age, that they were too young to understand how much they hurt me. I was 4-5 and they were 14-16 (sexual assault, rape).

    I suffer from panic attacks, nightmares, GAD, night terrors... I used to have OCD as well. I can't say I'm thankful.

    I feel pathetic. I always forgive people and I always help others. I know when I'm being used but I have no strength to say no. Forgiveness in this case has only made me feel even more pathetic.

    So, have you forgiven your abusers? Has forgiveness helped you in any way? Has it ever helped you not to forgive?

    (I'm sorry for my crappy english. I'm not a native speaker.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 27, 2012
  2. Toastie

    Toastie New Member

    Firstly, I'm so sorry you had to go through with something like that and that you have had to suffer so much for so long, my heart goes out to you. It's also that much harder that they are a family member so getting over things is that step harder, but that doesn't mean you should let it slide like that. Forgiveness is supposed so be if the person who did wrong is sorry and they express that to you, this person certainly does not deserve forgiveness for bragging about such a thing! Forgiving people when they are sorry isn't weak nor is wanting to help people, it just shows how much of a beautiful personality you have despite what happened. You could try telling someone to have a word with them to stop the talking about it at least? That way you can be honest with your feelings and not have to face them.

    Personally, forgiving never helped me. But my flip side of the coin to deal with is that by holding onto my grudges I get consumed by hate and I find it near impossible to move on and open up to people. So you should choose which option gives you the most peace of mind, as it would help the most. :)
  3. red ribbons

    red ribbons Well-Known Member

    I went through the motions of forgiving people by making amends to them when they really owed me the amends. That is never going to happen. I've changed but they never will or are dead. I had to do it for my own peace of mind and to move on in life. I had to let all of it go. Inside?? Who can forgive any abuse??
  4. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    I totally second this, and you have a very beautiful personality, truly :) Sometimes, for our own peace of mind - and it's the hardest thing, when you've been so violated - is to tell yourself that you are strong enough to let it go. It seems the most unfair thing about life that the worst one has been abused, the more we are asked to do the impossible. And it doesn't happen overnight, or just by an act of one's will. Forgiveness is released by deeper insight, and deeper insight puts us on a higher plane :)

    As Tasha says, the only alternative really is that we're left holding grudges, and not doing for ourselves what we deserve - being set free. It is never any fun to be used/abused. But it is not the end of the story, and although we get deeply hurt - the event says more about the abuser, and is not about us - in that they have no power to define us as inferior by their behaviour when they are the bully. It defines them. If they want to glory in their shame, it says even more about them.
  5. bitethebullet

    bitethebullet New Member

    Thank you all! Your words made me feel a bit better about it. :)
  6. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I wasn't raped or molested, but I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused for 7 years by a man who also molested my sister. That was nearly 20 years ago. Have I forgiven him? Fuck no. The son of a bitch can rot in hell, and if I ever have the opportunity to, I'll send him there myself with a size 12 boot up his ass.

    Fortunately, I don't have nightmares or panic attacks anymore, but I do still have a lot of psychological issues and a horrid temper as a result. He's not someone I think about every day, but whenever I do think about him, I think about how much I would enjoy beating him to a bloody pulp.
  7. what if you dont kno your abuser ?
  8. Sea Sparkles

    Sea Sparkles Well-Known Member

    First I'd like to say how sorry I am that you went threw this. :hug:

    I think it's a good job to forgive to move past that chapter in your life. At least let yourself 'forget' about it- you'll never be able to do that with bitterness in your body.

    A saying of 'forgiving not forget' - meaning don't *ever* trust someone who has raped you. It does not even mean ever seeing them again.

    Source: http://www.teenhelp.org/forums/f79-rape-abuse/t7590-forgiving-abuser/
  9. carebear32

    carebear32 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I think my thread speaks fr itself. I can't forgive my abusers at this time, it hurts too much. Of course one of them is dead now so I wish I knew why it still hurt so much
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