*WARNING, MAY TRIGGER* You know that feeling you get? that runs from your chest to your stomach and it feels like it's been hollowed out? The feeling they describe as "eating away at your insides"? I felt that deep feeling for over a year "straight", I'm sure some people have felt it deeper and longer but I felt it enough. I didn't kill anyone and I think I'm proud of that or maybe I'm actually ashamed, I was not strong enough to act alone, without a reason. But, the things I thought, things that I "wanted to do" were horrible and don't think that I was "strong" because I never gave in to those feelings, but I did. I gave into all of them. I just never could express them, that was part of my pain and punishment. If I had the slightest oppertuntiy... I was waiting for a reason... waiting for someone to say something.. to look at me the wrong way even... and I would have done horrible things. I still feel this hate boiling deep down inside of me. It's been years since I was lost in the darkness but I have never found my way back to the light, after all this time, I don't think there is a way. I have shut everything out, I close my eyes and have tried as hard as I can to stop thinking and feeling but nothing works. It used to be that all I ever felt was hate and self hate eating way at me, now I'm lucky, all I feel is blank, the finest food might as well be ash, a new book might as well be a piece of bark. The only things I can ever let myself feel now are memories of what it was like before when I still had some humanity, and all that regret eating away at me. That darkness I felt... it wasn't natural, I still wonder why. Was it my own mind making me feel that way? Am I really that week? or was it something wrong with my body, a chemical imbalince... am I possessed, or just a pathetic ignorant fool. My mind feels numb now. I might as well be lost in a labyrinth, my own mind is trying to confuse me now. I don't know if I will ever find what I am looking for inside of myself. I cant stay sane like this, the pot will boil over, I will snap one day and will be forced to death, ether by my hand or those trying to stop me. I have had no one left to love me or that I could love back until now, I love him and he thinks he loves me, but I don't want to put him though what I am, I cant handle a relationship, I just don't know how, even if I did, the pain always coming back at the most awkward time would keep me from becoming close. I feel like I should kill myself and save myself all the pain I will feel before I die, but I find that I am scared to do it and that makes me hate myself even more. They always say "just hold on, it gets better" well for some, waiting that long for it to get better isn't worth it, even if it "will" get better. I wish I killed myself when the pain started, so I didn't have to fall this far. I am torn in two, it's almost like a split personality, when the darkness takes over, I have no way of wining against it, fighting only makes it hurt. It loves the pain and will make me do anything it can to make me suffer more, there are some things it cannot touch, some things I hold to sacred, but it will make me hurt myself, and torture me any way it can. Some times I will give an outburst that will startle and confuse those around me, but I'm fighting with all I have to make sure I don't hurt them from this "thing". But this damn monster inside me, it doesn't want to die as much as it wants its self to suffer, it will bring me right to the edge and as it senses my resolve for suicide it will disappear, leaving me to suffer in it's wake. I have a slim chance to stop the abysmal suffering now, I can move away from this horrible prison and close to my love, the only true love I have ever felt, but then I feel I would just cause him pain, and I could never even really be his lover... he has someone else... I love him, I would be his brother and friend, if I can, that would actually make me happy, to be there for him, but I don't know if it is passable when its so hard for me to control myself. I don't want to make the others suffer, but I need to know, I'm sorry. I need to know, has anyone else felt the black and never ending darkness, the endless hate that eats you away until there is nothing left, to be driven so far from happiness and light that you come to writhe and flourish in the suffering, to suffer from that paradox with no way to escape, and all that pain inside your head until it feels like you will explode and you scream, but it never does, it just keeps growing and getting worse like tempest of pain... to decay until you feel already dead, you don't know how you are still conscious but you are still alive, trapped. Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left.