Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left.

[Gray]

*WARNING, MAY TRIGGER*

You know that feeling you get? that runs from your chest to your stomach and it feels like it's been hollowed out? The feeling they describe as "eating away at your insides"? I felt that deep feeling for over a year "straight", I'm sure some people have felt it deeper and longer but I felt it enough.

I didn't kill anyone and I think I'm proud of that or maybe I'm actually ashamed, I was not strong enough to act alone, without a reason. But, the things I thought, things that I "wanted to do" were horrible and don't think that I was "strong" because I never gave in to those feelings, but I did. I gave into all of them. I just never could express them, that was part of my pain and punishment. If I had the slightest oppertuntiy... I was waiting for a reason... waiting for someone to say something.. to look at me the wrong way even... and I would have done horrible things. I still feel this hate boiling deep down inside of me. It's been years since I was lost in the darkness but I have never found my way back to the light, after all this time, I don't think there is a way.

I have shut everything out, I close my eyes and have tried as hard as I can to stop thinking and feeling but nothing works. It used to be that all I ever felt was hate and self hate eating way at me, now I'm lucky, all I feel is blank, the finest food might as well be ash, a new book might as well be a piece of bark. The only things I can ever let myself feel now are memories of what it was like before when I still had some humanity, and all that regret eating away at me.

That darkness I felt... it wasn't natural, I still wonder why. Was it my own mind making me feel that way? Am I really that week? or was it something wrong with my body, a chemical imbalince... am I possessed, or just a pathetic ignorant fool.

My mind feels numb now. I might as well be lost in a labyrinth, my own mind is trying to confuse me now. I don't know if I will ever find what I am looking for inside of myself. I cant stay sane like this, the pot will boil over, I will snap one day and will be forced to death, ether by my hand or those trying to stop me.

I have had no one left to love me or that I could love back until now, I love him and he thinks he loves me, but I don't want to put him though what I am, I cant handle a relationship, I just don't know how, even if I did, the pain always coming back at the most awkward time would keep me from becoming close.

I feel like I should kill myself and save myself all the pain I will feel before I die, but I find that I am scared to do it and that makes me hate myself even more.

They always say "just hold on, it gets better" well for some, waiting that long for it to get better isn't worth it, even if it "will" get better. I wish I killed myself when the pain started, so I didn't have to fall this far. I am torn in two, it's almost like a split personality, when the darkness takes over, I have no way of wining against it, fighting only makes it hurt. It loves the pain and will make me do anything it can to make me suffer more, there are some things it cannot touch, some things I hold to sacred, but it will make me hurt myself, and torture me any way it can. Some times I will give an outburst that will startle and confuse those around me, but I'm fighting with all I have to make sure I don't hurt them from this "thing". But this damn monster inside me, it doesn't want to die as much as it wants its self to suffer, it will bring me right to the edge and as it senses my resolve for suicide it will disappear, leaving me to suffer in it's wake.

I have a slim chance to stop the abysmal suffering now, I can move away from this horrible prison and close to my love, the only true love I have ever felt, but then I feel I would just cause him pain, and I could never even really be his lover... he has someone else... I love him, I would be his brother and friend, if I can, that would actually make me happy, to be there for him, but I don't know if it is passable when its so hard for me to control myself.

I don't want to make the others suffer, but I need to know, I'm sorry.

I need to know, has anyone else felt the black and never ending darkness, the endless hate that eats you away until there is nothing left, to be driven so far from happiness and light that you come to writhe and flourish in the suffering, to suffer from that paradox with no way to escape, and all that pain inside your head until it feels like you will explode and you scream, but it never does, it just keeps growing and getting worse like tempest of pain... to decay until you feel already dead, you don't know how you are still conscious but you are still alive, trapped.

Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left.

 

[Sadeyes]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

I can truly say I have been there...a place where my skin hurt, and I could not recognize who I had become...shaking, crying, vomiting were all I did... when I was not planning and imagining...in so deep that I did not know where up was anymore...sitting in the dark because it was useless to turn the lights on...not getting my mail for weeks, not paying bills, not taking calls...just sitting and writhing in pain...I am not there now, and have not been for about a yr...but this is a time in my life I will never forget...I called myself, 'the living dead'...big hugs, J

 

[bluebear]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

Dunno about darkness,but yes I feel trapped....so trapped that I am close to losing it ,like today.....I am afraid because it only takes one moment to do something stupid,but I dunno how much longer I can take it.And no,I would never hurt anyone else even if I fantasize about it,I would only hurt myself........

 

[MeAndYou]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

I dont really know what to say. I've been tormented as a kid, taken advantage of by good friends, and manipulated by close family and as i type this it sounds melodramatic. The words ive typed i dont think i deserve. I doubt if my childhood was really that horrible. I think i just failed.

But It got to a point where, like you said, i was waiting for a reason. I was waiting for a reason to release the pain, anger, frustration, everything..even happiness. If someone cut me off driving i was goign to follow them home. If someone said something mean theyd never talk again. If someone said i was a creep, or mean, or dumb, and then treat me as if i were, i might as well act it.

I'm no longer at that point of hostility right now but I have such social phobia i dont even want to drive to the bank to cash a check. I feel i have broken what binds me and my family. I desperately want a relationship with them, but i dont have the courage for it. I dont want to be manipulated, taken advantage of. I dont want to put myself in a vulnerable position, so instead i wither. And now i look in from the outside as my close family ages and that hurts more. Thats just a physical reminder of what ive thrown away, given up on, given up on me...failed. It drives me deeper and deeper inside where i cant seem to breathe. Where the only hope of survival is suicide, but i am so afraid of what i will become. Will i continue to exist? Surely i cant possibly continue to have a physical concoius. So then that means ill be nothing. But even that is something so that cant be. It scares me to a point where i cant commit. I am so weak i cant live and i cant die.
So yes.

 

[Gray]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

BlueBear, Thats just how I felt before all of this started to happen to me, most people can fall a lot farther then they thought they could, I hope you figure a way out soon.

To SadEyes and MeandYou, thank you, I know went through the same thing your both talking about. I remember being shutdown, not able to function at all, not being able to process everything I was feeling and not even feeling a reason to get up. There were a few times when I would have killed myself but hated myself so much that I felt I deserved to suffer through everything. I used to wake up, lay in bed until half the day was gone, then crawl into the bathroom with the lights off and the shower on so I could focus on the water falling and try to just forget everything. I cried so much for so long I couldn't get anything out anymore, that would make me so angry I would sometimes cut or burn myself so I would be shocked back into reality and that was the only thing that could get me to cry after a while.

I was so angry I wanted the entire world and everything in it to burn, I became so disgusted with reality and everyone and thing so willing to except and live in it. It didn't make sense why there would be any suffering in the world, and then after so long of living in darkness it didn't make sense why there would be any happiness in the world. I hated everything so much... the sky, the trees, the birds, the people, the places, humanity, everything we've created and every comfort and unnecessary social pleasantry we have ever had literally blinded me with rage. I nearly killed people the two times people were stupid enough to provoke me on the spot, and I would have if they didn't run for there lives after realizing there mistake. I called myself "broken" and "the fallen".

I used to feel they way MeandYou does, about not being able to even do a simple errand. It was impassable to look anyone in the eye but now it's just a little uncomfortable. I cant help but look down on everyone for how vain and superficial they are, yet I also cant help but feel looked down on, and almost ashamed because I don't get the luxury of being blind with the pride and ignorance that most have. I also feel disconnected from my family, and soon I will be, they never understood a single emotion or thought I ever had, that may be partially my fault for not having the strength to stand up to them but they never took the time to learn who I really was, the only reason they ever stuck around me was for selfish reasons, to leach off me and have someone who would care so unconditionaly for them. Everyone else was smart enough to stay at arms length from the selfish freaks. They look at me like a pet that has long since worn out it's fondness. I'm moving out soon and will sever all ties and never speak to them again, they can rot with each other, I tried to help them and they took me for granted.

Whats sick is they already found a replacement for me, my sister made a insecure pet boyfriend that she isn't even attracted to, now my entire family treats him they way they used to treat me before they got tired of me. It was lucky of them to find someone as stupid and insecure as them. I wish I could have made my family see how sick they are and got them out of there little twisted world and with some other healthy people. I wouldn't want them to see the world like me even if they could, but they would rather die then liston to me because of they way they look down on me and how arrogant they are. I will miss what we could have been for now but I am better off without them.

MeandYou, the only thing I can think of to say is to just hold on. Normally I am against that "well just be stronger" kind of thinking, but I went through the pain of that kind of social phobia and I feel that unlike most problems some people like us have, you can and "will" overcome that one with some time and courage. It takes forgiveness for yourself and a hole lotta hurt to be able to work with and around people again but if you try and don't give up, you will learn, and some people will learn to work around you too, you can call those people your friends. I find the trick is not to be desperate, just be out there and let you and the people you will like find each other.

Thanks guys.
It's not fair the cliché and stupid shit people put us though but if we stand strong enough to just live then I'm guessing we might find a way adventually... I dont know if it's worth it in my case.

 

[gentlelady]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

I can relate to how you feel all too well. I have never wanted to hurt someone other than myself, but the darkness and emptiness you describe is so true. The pain associated with those feelings is unbearable.

 

[snowraven]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

Hi Gray. I know the darkness of which you speak. The anger stopped a long time ago because that too just seemed pointless along with everything else. I've been fortunate in that others have managed to give me hope that there is a way back and now I see dim patches of light. Maybe it's my mind fooling me again but I'm not going to give up searching. Best wishes to you.

 

[Questa_Bella_Vita_*MUTED*]

Re: Have you seen the darkness? Pain becomes joy, and my suffering is all I have left

I know that feeling. You have basically described every night of my life from the age of 12-19...

Its a little better now... about once a week it will appear and I am unable to use any of my innate psychological weapons to keep it at bay until the morning...

I feel for you, I really do if your monster is so virile that it has done so much damage in a year...

-J- :sadwave: