haven't been around... (TRIGGER WARNING)

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by MdngtRain, Oct 4, 2013.

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  1. MdngtRain

    MdngtRain Well-Known Member

    things were a bit rough, and I couldn't even talk about it... then it got a bit better for a day, and then I sabotaged myself... I bought a tool, started self-harming again, and am back to wanting to do it every few minutes. I see my T tomorrow, but I don't know if I can tell her... Yesterday was a really tough day with triggers but I hadn't had a tool, so I didn't do anything. Today, I had the opportunity to go out alone and buy something... and it's just all downhill from there. I don't want to stop because of what was triggered recently, but... part of me knows better. I know I should just get rid of it, but the obstinate, defiant side of me is refusing... how do you deal with the push-pull of the addiction piece of it? The only reason I had given it up 2 years ago was because I was forced. I'm back to only partially caring again. I care about the stress it brings to my wife, but if she wasn't around, I would be doing it regularly. I think the reason I'm writing it here is because 1) part of me is scared of losing control with it again, and 2) I think I just need to be accountable to someone until I see my T tomorrow... I need to talk myself into telling her, and into not doing it again tonight.
    But at the same time, the draw is HUGE... ugh. The responsible part of me wants to promise I won't do anything, but as soon as that sentence leaves my fingers, the other part of me takes over and says f-that, let's go hurt yourself again while you still can (while the wife is at work and the house in empty)...
    Does anyone else struggle with 2 warring sides that are SO loud?:apologetic:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you know the thing to do is to get rid of your tool ok talk to someone it is only a short term fix hun please do not harm your self ok enough
  3. AnaNg

    AnaNg Antiquities Friend

    To answer your question, yes, I have absolutely struggled with wanting to self harm and knowing that it's not good for me and because of that, not wanting to do it too. Self harm is like that, I think, for most people who use it as a coping skill. You know what you need to do (get rid of the tool) and be honest with your T. I don't know how supportive your wife is, but if she is supportive, I would encourage you to talk to her too and let her know how much you are struggling with this. Also, I know how it is to be alone with your thoughts when your spouse is at work. My husband works and I stay home with the kids and there are some days I feel like I'll lose it before he walks in the door.

    Something concrete that has been helpful to me when I've struggled with the urge to self harm is to grab some ice cubes from the freezer and stand with my hands over the sink, squeezing the ice until either the urge passes or the ice is water down the drain. If the urge is still with me after the ice is melted, I grab some more and repeat until the urge passes. Usually, it only takes one time. When you're squeezing the ice, focus on the sensation in your hands. It's should satisfy the desire to hurt yourself without leaving any lasting damage. Once I've made its through the urge and feel calmer, I find it helpful to sit down and try to reflect on what triggered the urge and try to identify the emotion that I was feeling as a result of the trigger and figure out ways to deal with the trigger and emotion in a positive way (go for a walk, take a nap, do yoga, pray, call a friend or my T, etc). Hope this helps a bit. Self harm is no picnic and can be a very hard addiction to break free from. I've, thankfully, been free of it for just over four years now, but I'll admit, I still struggle with urges from time to time. For me, the urges are more frequent when my depression is kicking my ass. I can usually brush them off without too much trouble, but I have had a few times recently when I very nearly fell off the wagon and gave into the urges. Thankfully, all the practice I've had resisting the urges and the ice cube trick have kept me from going back to that place. It's not easy, but it is possible to get sober and stay sober. You can do it!

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