I think the last time I posted here was over a year ago. I think summer of 2009. I was having a lot of difficulty then recovering from a rape by an acquaintance the year before. Last fall I got help at a crisis center and intensified my rape counseling as well. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I went on Prozac and Lorazepam. I only took the Lorazepam for about 4 or 5 months--that was mainly to help with the anxiety and anger problems I had (i.e. the PTSD symptoms). I was on the Prozac for a full year. Then a couple months ago I decided to try going without them and weaned myself off. I thought I'd be OK. I also decided to stop taking Prozac because I didn't want to visit the psychiatrist I was required to see anymore. The psychiatrist I was seeing works through the general crisis center/social services I first went to--she is not trained though in rape and trauma treatment. While she was nice to me in general, every time I saw her she felt it necessary to echo various victim-blaming rape myths to me as a way of giving me advice that I didn't ask for and that, more seriously, undermined the work I was doing with my rape counselors. A few times I responded to her and tried defending myself--but after awhile I got sick of explaining myself to her and felt she was only doing me more harm with her ignorant statements. Anyway, I stopped taking the Prozac, thinking I'd be OK. But now I worry it was a big mistake. I am noticing I'm having very deep depressive episodes again, more frequently. I've been isolating msyelf again from family and friends. Feeling very pessimistic. And making suicide plans again. I feel angry a lot of the time as well. I feel no one cares about me and no one cares what happened to me. I feel people just think I'm a bad person or crazy or needy for attention. I'm sick of trying to recover from these crappy things that happened to me and trying to fight the anger and pain--all the while keeping things on the down low because it makes everyone else too uncomfortable to hear about the truth of what happened to me and my struggles to recover. I hate the man who raped me like I've never hated anyone or anything in my life--and I hate the people who've supported him and believe him. I contacted the minister at the church that the man who raped me attends to tell him what happened and talk about the problems it brought on in my life--the minister refused to see me or meet with me and essentially told me he couldn't "participate in anything motivated by vengeance" and then gave me the names of some other people to contact for spiritual counseling, who were connected with his denomination (Lutheran) but not mine (Catholic). He also told me he'd pray for me. As did my rapist one of the last times we were in contact (about a year and a half ago). I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I feel like I'm being punished over and over for being alive. I feel like...it's hopeless. I want to die. Thanks to anyone who read this.