Haven't been here in awhile but need help again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Rene, Nov 30, 2010.

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  1. Rene

    Rene Member

    I think the last time I posted here was over a year ago. I think summer of 2009. I was having a lot of difficulty then recovering from a rape by an acquaintance the year before. Last fall I got help at a crisis center and intensified my rape counseling as well. I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression and I went on Prozac and Lorazepam. I only took the Lorazepam for about 4 or 5 months--that was mainly to help with the anxiety and anger problems I had (i.e. the PTSD symptoms). I was on the Prozac for a full year. Then a couple months ago I decided to try going without them and weaned myself off. I thought I'd be OK. I also decided to stop taking Prozac because I didn't want to visit the psychiatrist I was required to see anymore. The psychiatrist I was seeing works through the general crisis center/social services I first went to--she is not trained though in rape and trauma treatment. While she was nice to me in general, every time I saw her she felt it necessary to echo various victim-blaming rape myths to me as a way of giving me advice that I didn't ask for and that, more seriously, undermined the work I was doing with my rape counselors. A few times I responded to her and tried defending myself--but after awhile I got sick of explaining myself to her and felt she was only doing me more harm with her ignorant statements. Anyway, I stopped taking the Prozac, thinking I'd be OK. But now I worry it was a big mistake.

    I am noticing I'm having very deep depressive episodes again, more frequently. I've been isolating msyelf again from family and friends. Feeling very pessimistic. And making suicide plans again. I feel angry a lot of the time as well.

    I feel no one cares about me and no one cares what happened to me. I feel people just think I'm a bad person or crazy or needy for attention. I'm sick of trying to recover from these crappy things that happened to me and trying to fight the anger and pain--all the while keeping things on the down low because it makes everyone else too uncomfortable to hear about the truth of what happened to me and my struggles to recover.

    I hate the man who raped me like I've never hated anyone or anything in my life--and I hate the people who've supported him and believe him. I contacted the minister at the church that the man who raped me attends to tell him what happened and talk about the problems it brought on in my life--the minister refused to see me or meet with me and essentially told me he couldn't "participate in anything motivated by vengeance" and then gave me the names of some other people to contact for spiritual counseling, who were connected with his denomination (Lutheran) but not mine (Catholic). He also told me he'd pray for me. As did my rapist one of the last times we were in contact (about a year and a half ago). I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I feel like I'm being punished over and over for being alive. I feel like...it's hopeless. I want to die. Thanks to anyone who read this.
  2. All these mixed emotions

    All these mixed emotions Well-Known Member

    hello dear...

    I understand the emotionall stress you have... its like so fucked the whole situation around rape, i cant belive that its so common and that (some) people are that sick!

    Eitherway you know that it isnt your fault, but to solve youre regrets and nightmares surrounding the rape you probably gonna need to find that youre not worthless or undeserving of life, killing yourself is punishing the wrong person

    And to go trough so much diffrent "help"-services can cause stress... there is warnings that deep psykology can be triggering.

    Eitherway you must still try and you want to try, it feel like that, i mean church? that would be my last place to look, but it shows that you need someone to understand and listen. Wich i would say is not impossible...

    I can just say that life is to hard on women and men are to fucking retarded in generall...

    But you know the pain, so what do need? Is there trust issues also since the rape?

    hugs and bless

    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 30, 2010
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    First Im so sorry you had to go through that.

    I also do the same thing, when I start feeling better I stop taking my meds then it puts me back right where I started, maybe a little more P off because of the cycle that I keep repeating.

    Can you request someone new for therapy? Can you get back on your meds? Ever thought of a support group, or do you have to have therapy to get meds?

    I know Im not much help, just wanted to let you know, I read your post
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    maybe you could see a different psychiatrist. Or maybe you could talk to a councilor and see if there is a way that the psychiatrist can just shut up and write a prescription.

    the legal system doesn't handle rape well. I think only a very small percentage of rapists go to jail.

    you might want to join a support group for victims. I think that a lot of victims might have the same experiences/ feelings.

    so maybe this is bad or reckless advice, but maybe you could tell everyone in his church that he is a rapist. maybe also his neighbors. there might be some legal issues with this, and he could also try to retaliate. he probably has other victims out there, maybe if others came forward your accusation would have more support.

    maybe you could talk to your councilor about this.

    if it's any help, I hope the bastard burns in hell.
  5. Rene

    Rene Member

    Thanks to those who responded. Hanging in here. Bad days, better days. I wish what happened to me never happened. I wish I'd been treated better by men.

    Thanks for the support, thanks for caring, and thank you for listening. Thank you so much.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I agree that you should find another pdoc, maybe someone recommended by your rape counselor who can prescibe the medication...also, as much as you wish this never happened, it did and you are not to blame no matter how devaluing people act...are there support groups in your area where you can find a community of people who understand? Sorry this happened to you and glad you thought to come back...big hugs
  7. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Yes, you should definitely see a different psychiatrist and hopefully one with some experience dealing with the survivors of rape.
    You also need to get back on the meds. I know that they're a pain in the neck and we all come off them at one stage or another thinking that we don't need them anymore. You do need them though. Its no coincidence that you stopped taking them and you're now getting depressed again.
    The good news of course is that you've recognised that you're getting ill again. That shows just how far you've come with your therapy. You know that you're isolating, having good days/bad days etc. All good signs that you'll recover and survive this depression.

    All of this bit is the illness. Its taking over your emotions and thoughts and its why depression is considered to be a disability. It disables us and prevents us from seeing anything in a positive way. Its effect is crippling, but you already know that.

    I hate the man who did this to you too. I hope he rots in hell and I can safely promise you that if there is a God, no amount of church going will get him out of answering for what he's done to you.
    As for the people who support him? In all honesty, they're not worth a moment of your time. That they would associate with a rapist says far more about them than it does about you.
    What kind of minister refuses to counsel a woman who has survived rape? Not a very godly one, thats for sure.

    It is horrific that this has happened to you. You don't deserve it (no woman does) and you don't deserve the after effects of it. Right now though your priority must be to get better. You simply can't allow this man to win.
    PM me at anytime xxx
  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    First thing you need is to get help for YOU okay Get a new psych doc one that listens get coucilling for you to help you heal okay. The hell with everyone else what matters now is YOU and only you. Meds to help with anxiety and sadness therapy to help teach you to cope with flashbacks You deserve all the kindness and compassion and help okay please get the support people around you to get you the help your deserve
  9. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    Any doctor can prescribe Prozac (fluoxetine). It's one of the most commonly prescribed medications by family practice doctors. You don't need any freakin psychiatrist, especially since you got better when you took it before. You just need a prescription.

    Personal opinion - if it makes you feel better, it's OK to hate a rapist for the rest of your life. He doesn't deserve anything else. The person that you must forgive is yourself.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have nothing to forgive yourself for you did nothing wrong.
  11. Infortunatus

    Infortunatus Guest

    That's what I meant, you stated it a better way than I did. I was referring to the inappropriate guilt and self blame that victims of abuse often suffer, and how that must be overcome.
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