Haven't been on in a while just a vent

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ExtraSoap, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    Here goes

    so here I am once again, reduced to typing out my problems on a fucking computer. Senior year is in full swing, and life blows. I got arrested last month for marijuana possession and paraphernalia possession which sucks, but it's not too bad considering my lawyer says the cops used illegal search and seizure so the charges will probably be dropped. I finally was able to get over whatever was holding me back and acquire a social life, but that is a blessing and a curse. I made friends with an amazing girl in band, and quickly took a liking to her, but she's "hung up on someone else." I'm not mad about it, it just hurts to know that someone realizes that you have feelings for them, and not reciprocate (through no fault of their own). We agreed to be friends, but I feel like our texting conversations are short, awkward, and one-sided. I feel like she's just carrying the conversation to not make me feel bad. It hurts a lot. Especially since I think I know who she's pining for, and in the case that I'm right, I'm shocked. He's an asshole. Constantly making disrespectful comments about her past, nationality ("don't you have any influence in china?! Tell them not to invade!"), and just overall being a dick. He's got a full beard and rocks it, but that's superficial. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I despise how fake everyone around me is. There is not one person I know in real life that does not put on a mask to hide themselves. No one is legitimate, no one cares about anyone other than themselves, and everything revolves around social Darwinism. For instance, I was with my friend hanging out at his house with some girls, when some friends of his ask if they can drop by "for like 5 minutes" before they head to a party. They came, drank, and stayed for 45 minutes being loud and obnoxious all the while. I have social anxiety, and I was stoned out of my mind at the time. I could not handle all the testosterone in that room. And apparently I'm in the wrong for having anxiety in the first place. I told him, and he said "so? just don't be anxious that's all there is too it." Yeah? well if that's all there is to it then why is it still fucking happening you stupid egotistical fuck?! You know that that was not okay, but you went and did it anyway! You were staying at my house for 2 nights because your parents were out of town, and you go and pull this? How about you show some goddamn respect, I don't care how much smarter you are academically, because apparently once you walk out of a goddamn classroom your brain fucking falls out of your head.Not only that, but when you snuck out last night and brought my mom to my room she freaked out because not only did you sneak out of my house, but the room reeked of weed because you and I were just smoking. I distinctly remember telling you not to try and sneak out unless you were 100% positive you could pull it off, and you said you could do it. I got in so much trouble for that and even then I covered for you. When my mom demanded I hand over the weed I gave her a bag of the used stuff from the vaporizer. And I didn;t even get a 'sorry' or a 'thanks man.' nothing. A man is only as good as his word, and you are worth nothing to me now.

    And here I decide to make a new paragraph, since I went on a massive tangent back there. I just want a friend. Someone who I can actually trust, tell things to, listen to, and someone to regularly hang out with. I feel so lonely, ignored, uncared for, and on and on. I shouldnt feel like this but I do, and I have to deal with it whether I like it or not. I'm just so over-stressed, I have school tomorrow which brings a whole host of more problems, and I'm just so goddamn angry. I'm sick of having to fight tooth and nail to stay calm and get through the day. Every day I wake up tired as hell, enjoy a 20-minute long shower which is the only alone time I can truly have now, and go to school all pissed off because my mom refuses to consider me an adult in charge of my own life. I despise it with every fiber of my being, but there's nothing I can do to get out of it. I hate this I want to kill myself but I won't because I refuse to let them win. If anything, I'm not giving up out of pure spite. That's all I really feel now anyway.

    Thank you for your time.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 11, 2012
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hugs to you hun You never give up ok never let them win hugs