Haven't even gotten out of bed all day... no reason to.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Piehawker, Sep 12, 2015.

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  1. Piehawker

    Piehawker Member

    It's now nearly 8pm, and was a lovely sunny day. But I just stayed in bed as I had nothing else to do. I'm 38, never had a girlfriend or any emotional or financial support from anyone. My Dad, who let me down my whole life causing me deep rooted trust/confidence issues, died in Feb, leaving me all his debts and problems. He let me down, even in death... thanks for that!

    My confidence is at an all time low, my whole life has been presented with me having any hope and confidence beaten out of me. Despite having directed two feature length films, I have no friends, no money, no one cares about that/me.

    I feel so lost. All I want is to have purpose, an emotional and spiritual connection with another human being, you know, like a functioning member of society. Instead i'm just surrounded by people with lives that i can only dream of but will never have. They all just mock and laugh at me as a complete joke.

    I <mod edit methods>months ago, the night before the cinema premiere of my first film, and have been self harming by punching and slapping myself. I spoke to my Doctor, but that was months ago and haven't heard any since about counselling... so once again, left alone to deal with it myself. Alone. <mod edit - guidelines>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 12, 2015
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry for the rough time you are having and that it has been difficult for you to deal with the estate issues. You should no tbe responsible for any debts though unless you were signed onto the notes as well so that is just a matter of clearing the estate and hopefully that will not take much longer and things may start to look up.

    What type of film ? I would suspect that directing films takes a huge time commitment that makes social activities difficult to maintain with regularity , and far more people go broke than get rich in any form or the arts unfortunately but still can be proud of what have accomplished. Would love o hear more about your accomplishments in that and truly envy anybody that has the will power to to have accomplished that.

    I am glad you found us and hope you find a place here to talk/ vent / and perhaps make some online friends to share time and accomplishments with.

    Take Care and Be Safe,

    - Ben
     
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Just want to say hi Hope your fathers estate gets settles soon and as said you are not responsible for any of his debts. You sound very creative and intelligent to direct a film wow. HOpe you keep talking to us lots of kind people here to get to know
     
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Not sure where you live but look up debt protections and rights in your country.


    It is cool that you directed 2 films. That's an accomplishment that not many do.


    Hang in there, do you hang out somewhere like a coffee house etc meet new people
     
  5. Piehawker

    Piehawker Member

    Yeah I don't inherit the debts, but still have to sort out the mess for many months with the futile knowledge of nothing being at the end of it, and all the time, money and emotions it has taken has been draining. Being let down by him (and every other father figure/aspect of life I've had) and never having had a girlfriend so left totally alone with one again emotions to deal with and nothing or no one to help is really hard.

    The same thing happened 8 years ago, my rich uncle was dying and got in contact and guilt tripped me into helping with his book (we weren't that close, but he heard I was at that point friends with a world famous author) My uncle said "there could be a lot of money in this for you" if I helped him. He doesn't have any kids, and I didn't do it for the money, but I wanted to go to filmschool at the time and was broke.

    Anyway, I was emotionally involved in helping him as he was dying, and then my Mum (who's also broke) and I were left with nothing from him when he died. Another Father figure destroying my hopes and confidence. I had to move home at the age of 30 and my confidence and career took a severe blow.

    Those resentments and trust issues have all been dredged up again. I suppose at least my alcoholic Dad has always let me down, so I can't be too surprised at this. He never gave me any help my whole life and never promised me anything, so at least I wasn't manipulated by him. Just once again let down again. Just like the teachers that didn't care, just like any girls I may have tried to get to know (they all go off with rich guys with stable solid family units and that deep rooted confidence and assurance that comes from financial and emotional support their whole life) I've been hurt every single time I've allowed hope or emotion to creep in.

    I just don't get why I have never been able to find a girlfriend. Even pre-depression. Even when I've felt good, I've been beaten down by life/women/the world/lack of money/lack of career. I went travelling around the world (saved up and paid for all by myself) and never met anyone. I went to college and university (saved up and paid for all by myself) and never met anyone. I made 2 feature length films (saved up and paid for all by myself) and worked on BBC shows and bigger budget films for the last 8 years and have never met anyone. I don't understand... oh wait, yes I do. I never had a stable emotional and financial upbringing and a lot of money... Everyone I know who is succeeding and becoming functioning members of society have had that.

    Whereas someone raised in a broken family unit with an alcoholic father and no money or emotional support from teachers or anyone else constantly isolated from society creating bitterness, resentment and anger at the way they have been treated is more likely to become a serial killer or criminal.

    So with that, and the constant focus of trying to focus on a film career has created someone lonely and alienated. I have sacrificed my social life and money for this. And my trust issues have been raised to such an extent I've blown any chance of getting close to someone. And now, not even in a position of meeting any people anymore as my confidence is shot.

    My first film got released in the UK at the cinema/dvd in June... but no one cares. It came and went. Years of hard work for a whole bunch of 'meh'. My second film is slogging through post production (music/sound mix etc) It's about a lonely single woman dealing with the death of a loved one. It was written years ago, and instead of being cathartic all it has done is surrounded me with people who's lives I can only dream of having who then leave. My actress was charming and interesting, and we had to be close on an intimate and emotional level. And then she goes home to her rich boyfriend (with a supportive family...) whilst I go home alone. The people I meet like crew etc all have houses/careers/families/opportunities to get work overseas/travel etc. Whereas I have none of that. They have what is priceless but cannot ever be attained by someone like me. They get to wake up in the arms of someone they care about who cares for them, they get opportunities and have a sense of confidence and purpose that has been built into them from day one. They won't EVER fail in the way i'll fail.

    So what it means is that I become more isolated and alone but still have to surround myself with people who make a mockery of my life. To persue my career I have to meet people who have everything I can ever dream of, and i'm not talking about the material possessions. I talking about the stuff they have that's free and has been constantly denied to me my whole life. Hope.

    Making a film is a piece of cake in comparison. Pointing a camera vaguely at something for 90 minutes, any monkey can do that. Being a functioning member of society for someone like me, is impossible!

    I don't expect anyone to read this, but good to try and write it all out.

    It's now 8am the following day. I still have no reason to get out of bed... no one phoned or emailed me all day yesterday. So as you can expect, I hardly feel very worthwhile.
     
  6. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Active Member

    Hey, I read it all in full. And we are here and care about you. I actually identified with a lot of what you said. I've never met my father, my mum has been ill since I was young and there wasn't really any other family so no support or help. I've grown up intensely unhappy. I didn't even finish school properly and nobody noticed or helped!! I can't really tell you a solution, But I do want you to know that you are not alone. And here are many members on here that identify with your feelings of loneliness and isolation.
     
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