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Haven't got the guts to go

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I've wanted to 'go home' since I can remember. At four I asked mum 'how long do I have to be here this time mum?' and at nine drank half a can of brasso.

I never tried again. In my teens I tried to talk to my friends but they thought I was crazy and I ended up with no friends.

I don't know why I want to go home. On the surface my life is perfect. My husband is both a wonderful person and good looking too, my kids are awesome, I have a good business, live in a nice house and I'm screaming.

The universe seems to be supporting my wishes. Until this year I had no idea how I'd do it. In Feb I asked the universe for suicide methods and over the next four days I was given a method each day. Sometimes with a recipe. They all checked out online.

So now I have tools. To attack my body from four different angles will cost me less than $20 which is important because funerals are expensive.

After I got this information I spent time shredding any journals, letters and personal papers that might have information in them that could hurt people. I deleted over 12,000 emails.

I'm so ready to go. But I just can't do it. Last month my son said to my daughter, "I want to die. I don't like living" and my first thought was "Good on you mate. Don't hang out for another 3 decades visitng therapist after therapist thinking someone can help cos they can't. Just take your power back, finish it and go home and don't come back". He's 9.

I can't say there's been no happy times. There has. But they're obliterated by the other times.

I've seen psychologists, psychiatrists, naturopaths, homeopaths, doctors. I've been to spiritual energy healers, done EFT, holographic kinetics, entity removal, acupuncturists and more.

I've taken pills (anti depressants were the worst thing I ever did. They messed up my mind like nothing else and I got a darned lot worse after taking them), potions, changed my diet, drank a lot of booze, drank no booze, exercised, not exercised, done things in moderation and in extremes and fuck it...

I still want to die. I'm nearly 40 now and reaching new levels. I wish I could go back in time and punch the hell out of people who talked me out of it 20 years ago. If I'd had the guts to do it then I'd be but a distant memory now. But now I have kids. I have friends whose parents killed themselves when my friends were children. It's not something they get over ever. So I resent the kids now which is ridiculous.

Instead of just hating myself, I'm starting to hate the world around me. I resent everything and anyone who keeps me here. I think to them "you spend a day in my head mate then tell me how you feel".

People tell me they'll miss me and I can't work out why? I think they're lying and I feel patronised.

I mistrust my friends, family, and everyone around me. My suicide rules have changed. I used to have things like 'must look like an accident' now I couldn't give a shit if it does or not.

I'm not here for someone to talk me out of it. Frankly, if someone tried, I'd resent them too and probably never look at this forum again. I just need a place to vent. Cos I probably won't do it. If I haven't after 40 years of tears, I most likely won't now. Although one of my rules used to be 'when the youngest child reaches 18' and that's gone out the window too. I think that if I was gone my husband could find a lovely wife. Someone happy with a good outlook on life.

Who knows? The world is a messed up place.

So that's me. Thanks for reading.
I forgot to mention that I haven't suffered any kind of abuse as a child. There's absolutely no 'reason' for me to feel this way. So I feel guilty about that too. Like I'm stupid, broken, etc. xx


Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
Just want to say I've read your post and am sorry you are hurting so much. I wish you felt better. I hope you find the support here you are seeking. :hug:
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