Haven't slept in 5 days - Afraid of the battle to come

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by galalleni, Apr 18, 2008.

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  1. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    Howdy all,

    Suffer from severe depression w/psych. features. Asked for help with suicidal feeling from counselor here in college - recommended another course of medications/treatment. Don't know if I want to fight this battle again (been in and out of hospitals and seen therapists/psychiatrists since I was about 6). Haven't tried in over 5 years - but I know if I try again it will be the end.

    My depression from prior events in my life is somewhat resolved (I've come to terms with a lot of my past) - but present situations and what I see for my future is what really bothers me. I know I cannot cope with the stress of daily life without wanting to end it all - actually doing it is where I am at now (plan wise anyway). It seems as though if I go through with this treatment it will leave me brain dead and wanting to end it more than ever, but if I don't go through with it I will be financially bankrupt and mentally destroyed (illegal drugs/alcohol - I know myself too well here) and I will end it all.

    Either option means my demise - treatment or not - it makes me wonder why I am pursuing treatment anyway - treatment will only be delaying the inevitable. Any thoughts?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2008
  2. weegee

    weegee Active Member

    if theropy dosnet work dont rely on them to help you. try to help yourself, build a bit of resolve and go clean which will help clear some things up. then think what you can do to change your situation(if your willing to go to the extreme of suicide then anythign below that is a positive) for instance speak to a finacial cousceler and they will give you otpions concerniong your financial situation and you can set yourself some things to work towards(it helped me) like a holiday or some vein atempt at getting into shape(like me :p) anything.

    the point is that if you have somthing to work towards you can strighten your life and your mind up a bit.
     
  3. galalleni

    galalleni Well-Known Member

    I think my counselor and case worker are conspiring against me - I think they are trying to get me away from this college as fast as possible (suicides go on their record + the messy cleanup cost). Been clean for a few days now (haven't slept in these past 5 days either, except a small 3 hour nap).

    My case worker told me that I can get away from the psychiatrist if he tries to dull my mind - but only if I move away from college (he is in the next town over). Thinking this might just be a ploy to keep me stable until it all hits the fan - and I'm out of their hands.

    I owe my debt to the Federal (aka Feudal) Government - they are my lender. The debt lasts through everything - including bankruptcy. If I default, no matter where I work my wages will be garnished (to the tune of $250 USD/mo.). An average job in this state is about $250.00 a week takehome (after taxes), rent is typically $500 for a studio here - food would eat the rest - forget health care.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2008
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    gallaleni,

    I PM'd you, so take a minute and read that, ok? It's back to basics time - sleep, exercise, lists, counselling.

    I will share my experience of not sleeping - I start to hallucinate at 5 days and after 5 days, I have triggered a psychotic episode in myself. Your body and your brain need sleep in order to heal and for you to become well again.

    You shouldn't make decisions about your future right now as there are just too many questions up in the air - like is your counsellor able to help you withdraw without penalty based on your GPA and then return next year when you are feeling better. You mentioned failing a few classes, so it might be that this is the best solution right now, so late in the semester.

    I have no doubts that you will be able to get a great job when you graduate, you are smart and very articulate. When you graduate that will be the time to worry about paying back your loans. For now, the main thing is for you to have the time and support to stop the slide downwards and start to heal.

    Take the time you need now and do what you need to in order to feel better. As you do I hope you might reassess your feelings about the counsellor and case worker conspiring against you. Chances are their only goal is to help you get well again.
     
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

  6. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Dazzle, thank you for this article. If we don't help each other, we have nothing. But we DO HAVE EACH OTHER AND FOR THAT I AM SO GRATEFUL. I COULD NOT SURVIVE WITHOUT THE CARING INPUT FROM MY FRIENDS. DAZZLE, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, AND THANK ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE OFFERING THEIR THOUGHTS ABOUT LIFE, ABOUT FRIENDSHIP, ABOUT LOVE, AND ABOUT SADNESS. ALL OF YOU PLAY A MAJOR PART IN HEALING OUR WORLD. NEVER FORGET THIS!!!!
     
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