Having A Child To Turn Life Around?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Arthur523, May 2, 2011.

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  1. Arthur523

    Arthur523 Well-Known Member

    A friend of mine whom is battling depression and other mental issues, as well as battling drug abuse/addiction, told me today that she wants to have a baby so that she can turn her life around. I'm not a very close friend of hers, but I do know her pretty well. A quick run down... Her highest level of education is a high school diploma, and she currently just started working at a pizza takeout shop, making $9.50/hour. Her boyfriend is in his mid 20's and he works at a boat overhauling business and makes about $14/hour. Also, she lives at home with her parents, and her boyfriend (relatively new relationship) has a child of his own (4 years old).

    I'm certainly no brainiac therapist in the least, but does this idea of desiring to bring in a perfectly innocent and pure little baby into this extremely unstable living situation seem a little bit prematurely thought-out? Would I be correct in saying that having a child most likely does indeed change someone in a positive way, but it's probably not the best way to combat depression, drug addiction and other personal issues? In the ideal world I'm sure everyone would want to be married with a stable career and preferably a house with a white picket fence. I know every person and situation is different, but we're talking about a human life here... I don't know... Call me old fashion but, I just get a little sick to my stomach every time there's a new show on MTV that is glamorizing teen pregnancy.
  2. Mr Stewart

    Mr Stewart Well-Known Member

    Agreed. The idea of having a kid to give yourself purpose or to cheer yourself up is pretty sickening. I suspect this sort of idea may have played a factor in my own family (4 siblings including me) and I'll tell you right now it didn't make anything better for anyone involved. My mother recently wrote a fairly detailed autobiography and some of the decisions made during early marriage described therein... christ.

    So yes, this scenario you've described is all kinds of bad news in my opinion. The drug addiction in particular.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 3, 2011
  3. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I am but the bow and my children the arrows, i can aim as best i can, but i will never know exactly where they will land.

    Having children for the sake of it, or to try to hold a relationship together is a selfish thought.
    A person needs to be whole in order to give a part of theirselves to another.
    Children demand a large part indeed.
    Masks can be put on, but they become invisible to that child.
    I miss my kids when they are not with me, my love for them is so great, i am empty without them.
    Children should be borne out of love not out of desire.
  4. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I felt a similar thing. I wouldn't say it was "sickening". In fact it was probably something due to my mental illness that drove an irresistable impulse to get pregnant and have a baby. I felt that being pregnant or having a baby to care for would be the only thing that I would be willing to fight on for during the darkest depression of my life. I don't think that it is selfish at all, when it is the choice between killing yourself and bringing another life into this world and dedicating mine to it. There is no such thing as a selfless reason to bring a baby into the world - everyone does it for a reason, because they want one or because they want to carry a baby for someone else or because they don't want to get an abortion. There is no selfless way to bring a baby into the world.

    I was 18 at the time. I did manage to get pregnant. It did turn my life around. I went from the most miserable person imagineable to being more happy and certainly more stable. Although obviously getting pregnant didn't magically cure everything, I still had my stresses which led to me miscarrying. So if she's extremely stressed I'd warn her about that.

    But seriously, people have babies into families with less stability and less money than what you have described. I find that if someone wants to do something so badly they will do it regardless of any advice (I had a million and one people telling me it was a terrible idea - but it made me happy, at least for a short while, so it can't have been that terrible.)
  5. the masked depressant

    the masked depressant Well-Known Member

    i do think that having a little child to care for sure gives you a will to live
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    I would say a baby could help the depression, my kids are the reason I keep going, but the drug abuse is a whole other story. Its not fair to bring a child into this world knowing that its going to be a struggle, not only with life but added mountains that we create ourselves.

    I would recommend her to get help for that first, then think what the next step should be.
  7. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    i find it extreamly selfish and irresponsible, and jugeing by how this type of parents evolve they seam the worst kind.
    Yeah a child grownds people somewhat and give constant meaning but its so wrong to bring them in this world to solve your own issues, they will just come with theyr own and thank you for being selfish and stupid later (seams im one of those kids)
    Its funny this type of parents are also so abusive but always see themselves as victims and never irresponsible perpetrators, its like they feel life was not fair to them and as last resort they make a human of their own to make everything right for them and just that

    Its as wrong as it gets , sorry
    Id be more for teen pregnancy if the mother is really well off , but the conditions some people bring their kids into and the abusive bs they serve them...just wrong on all levels
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Exactly!!!!!Good Post sunshine, your not alone Im also one of those kids.
  9. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    you can never give a baby a chance of a happy life if you are not happy. you will project that on the baby.

    a baby should never be used for anything else.that's a human being for chrissake
  10. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    Well... a parent is there to care and nuture a child through it's growth. .. Also to subject the child to life and encourage him/her. How can you truly encourage and show the best parts of life when you can't see them for yourself. It's russian roulette with a child.. plus if you're stressed out now... Sure a pregnancy is a "wonderful feeling", and the prospect of a child is beautiful... That's methaphorical. Don't forget the extreme stress that comes with all of that. Kids aren't rosey gems of god.

    God with that sort of income? It'd be rough. Douable but rough. And guess what, you can only distract yourself with so many things for so long before reality hits home. I wonder who will suffer if the baby was born and her depression started gaining a foot hold because it's just been ignored. I suppose that's a good lesson to teach the kid. When in doubt and you don't know what to do, fuck someone and make a baby so youll be distracted and feed off the positive life force of a child.
    Meh, she's probably having a moment where she feels "justified" to think this way. Just keep on her about reality.
  11. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Concern I always have: mental illness is often hereditary.
  12. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    one of the worst ideas ever
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Extremely selfish.. Who says the mom will give up the drugs..The baby can be born with all kinds of problems..You just don't one day stop doing them.. It took me into my thirties to just quit smokeing pot..
  14. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    I dunno and really no-one can know for sure how right or wrong it may be. It's funny most things we like to think of as black and white, right or wrong, etc. But there is usually a middle ground. I don't think we can judge someone else even if it sounds wrong to us, it does sound wrong to me but who is to say this women wouldn't be the best mother in the world? We don't know. I do wish this women would at least not do drugs for a few months before getting pregnant and then never touch them again. I was 19 when I got pregnant with my oldest daughter. Thankfully I quit smoking pot a few months before hand. I wanted to prove to the world and to myself that I could be this perfect parent, that I could raise a child so much better than I was raised. (I didn't completely know why at the time) We had no money, we were eating mac and cheese for supper alot. I can't say that it was a mistake. I love my daughter very much and while I failed in being perfect (because no one is) I do think that she should be here. If I hadn't been young and foolish, she wouldn't be here. And having her did keep me alive. I also worry about my children having mental problems but mine are more of what has happened to me instead of being passed down. I do worry that I might still rub off on them even though we keep things very normal for them. When I am too bad I stay away from them. Ugh Life is so complicated. I do hope your friend thinks about all the things that can happen to her child if she chooses to have one.
  15. Axiom

    Axiom Account Closed

    I think having a child at this point in her life is like russian roullete. It's an inapprioprate choice for the childs growth in a pregnancy, and future development under the current circumstances.

    Yeah, there is the amazing possibility that she may stop drugs, find a new inspiration in life, her partner and her may become closer and begin to find a love and care for themselves and life and their child. ect ect
    Yeah that's all there, she might become the best mother in the world or just decent :) But, it's a risk... That's really all. I'd love a child myself :) But im ... fuck no lol. It's even like jumping a super sports bike now.. Id love to but.. No. If I want to gamble with my life by doing certain things that can possibly help me find my motivation(which I am) then sure that's my choice. But having a child for that prospect? It's kinda selfish and dangerous. It's for the wrong reasons, or even if it were for the right reasons, there are alot of issues that need to be dealt with. Even before depression, it'd be an idea to idk, ditch drugs and see if you can function without them.

    Idk, easy to judge from an isolated point of view. I hear what you are saying :) By all means, trust me, I've grown up with a mother who struggeled through lifes challenges, and she bloody did an awsome job at it. So, I dont think that lifes issues are the big problem, but more so, she shouldnt be having a child to help counteract her depression. Idk, I just think it's risky, and some what, giving up on herself.
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