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Having a good day is scary

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThePhantomLady, Apr 1, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    So I woke up at 6 am, my alarm was set to 7.50... but I think the sunrise might have woken me... I went to the bathroom without turning the light on; I hoped I could crawl back to bed... I had only had 5 hours of sleep (well 'only' is relative when some nights I only get 2 or less)... but as I washed my hands I saw a weird shadow... I guess my eyes weren't awake yet... I panicked and ran to turn on the light... I had to hide in the bathroom where it was now light... gasping for air, my heart racing...
    an hour later I went back to bed... I sat on the edge first... but fear gripped me again... I sometimes get afraid of the 'monster' under the bed grabbing my legs... yes. I am 26 and I have those irrational fears sometimes still...

    I turned on my computer and the sun came up... it became a very bright and sunny day... and suddenly I just felt completely okay...
    I got my coffee and Greek yogurt... writing and joking with my boyfriend who came online at 8... and suddenly I realized I was having a really, really good day. I didn't feel the dark cloud over my head that has followed me for so long... and especially since the last time I saw my therapist...

    I have been so tired... so depressed... I have barely been able to keep my eyes open... and the last two days I have cried every ten minutes... I even cried as I fell asleep last night.

    I got my laundry done... I even went outside while waiting for it to finish... soaking up the sunshine and I laughed at how pale my skin is after this winter and my anxiety keeping me inside.

    Everything just felt normal and okay... and I feel like I can get things done... I can concentrate.

    But... why? And why now? I thought today would be a bad day... my therapist told me something a bit harsh and it's rocked my world... and yesterday my boyfriend who has PTSD after an accident and a hospital stay that left him braindamaged 15 years ago told me they did some new scans of his brains and they aren't satisfied and he needs to go in for a more 'expert' scan next week.

    I am not supposed to be okay today. What the heck??
  2. Yoko

    Yoko Seeker of Darkness

    You have to remember, you're allowed to feel good. Yes, it's scary. Your brain has 'gotten used' to feeling the anxiety and depression. Good feelings may be foreign for quite some time. You need to remind yourself you're allowed to feel ok.

    The brain is a weird fickle thing. It either works to help you, or works against you. That's the main struggle I've been dealing with. You can start to learn and pinpoint when to listen to your brain, and when to start fighting again. I hope that good feeling comes back. You'll start to notice it a little more as the fight continues. It's like a roller coaster. You have highs and lows when you're fighting. It isn't easy. You're fighting against yourself. You have to remind you that you're worth the fight.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    It's great you can articulate your thoughts onto paper, I struggle with that at times. I am glad you had a nice day, but as said above when you're used to distress it can feel euphoric to have a blessed day :) I hope you have many many more my friend!! :) @ThePhantomLady You are such a kind and selfless person, you deserve these good happy days! Enjoy the bliss of staying in the moment :)
    ThePhantomLady likes this.