I am having a real hard time this Christmas. I can't get into it. I am having an even harder time seeing women with babies. I have one daughter, but have been pregnant a total of 4 times. I have lost three of the babies while I was still pregnant. I know it seems kinda of stupid, but I am almost 30 and have such a wide variety of mental health problems plus I have a daughter with ADHD, and a LD. That I know I should be greatful for the daughter I have. I just can't help but look at babies and be sad. I know the old things work out the way they are supposed to blah blah blah. I just can't believe that I am almost 30 and I am living with my inlaws, and my mental health isn't any better. I also realize that with my mental health and my daughters behavioural problems, and that we are living with my inlaws that it is for the best. But it is like dealing with the loss of this is where my life is at almost 30. I don't know what I thought was going to happen because I was so sure I would be dead by the time I was 25 that when I turned 25 I had a mini crisis, because I had no idea what to do with my life I never made any plans. My mood is very low, and I am trying to find things to be happy about. I really am. But at night I just cry. and sometimes during the day I go to be by myself and ball my eyes out. Its not just about the babies, its about everything. How shitty my childhood was, the scars on my body, I have such low self estem. I don't feel worthy of my husband and daughter. My mom and I aren't talking, I miss my brother ( he died when I was 6 he was older) I just feel like this year everything is crashing down. Its like I have finally started to accept the things that have happend and my wall is crumbling a little. I am so sad and unhappy. I don't know what to do with myself, or my feelings. I just keep telling myself to try and make it one more day, but I am not sure how much longer I can keep that up for.