having a hard time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Arthur-Amelia, Feb 12, 2012.

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  1. Arthur-Amelia

    Arthur-Amelia Active Member

    I know they say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem but my problem will never go away. 5 years ago I killed my baby out of insecurities and fear. I'd do anything to die in a way that looks like an accident. A relative killed himself 4 years ago and I can't put everyone thru that grief. But an untimely accident would be wonderful. I want to be with my only child and free from pain. I contribute nothing in life. I've no friends, no one likes me. The 2 ppl I hang out with are openly pro life, and that's fine... they should be. But its really hard being with them when they rip on ppl like me. They'll never know or understand... I can't take life much longer, I really can't.
  2. RonPSH

    RonPSH Banned Member

    Andrea, I accept you totally as you are. I no that no one truly chooses these outcomes, that we do things trying desperately to construct a happy life and to avoid an unhappy consequence. Life is a great teacher and I know that it's really hard to look back in hindsight and accept past actions that I wish I could take back. I've also learned that I can't change the past, that I have to move forward and moving forward means to learn from the past and not relive it, wishing for the impossible.

    When my wife was 16, in a daze when to the doctor for an abortion. She only recently could let it go. The self-judgment had been her prison.

    Life is precious, escpecially your own. No you can't change the past, but life is still precious including your own. You can make a difference by figuring out how a person comes to be able to make a decision like abortion and what you will find is that the same root cause drives you to think that killing yourself or dying accidentally is there.

    An "idea" got ahold of you in that moment and now you've changed your idea but the past is the past. Now the idea is to die. It's "living in ideas" that is at the core of this situation and that is unfortunately how we all are raised to live. We are told ideas about God, heaven, satan, hell, sin, nation, honor, loyalty, etc..., so much so that ideas replace what's really in the heart. In hindsight your heart is bleeding for your loss. You might wonder, "What was I thinking when I did that?" and the question is revealing, because it was a thought that triggered the action, not the heart. Now that the action was taken and the thought is gone, the heart is left to deal with the outcome.

    Please see no judgment in what I'm saying. I know from my own life that the true healing comes from the elimination of confusion. I lost my mom to suicide, and I know that if I would have known all this back then that I know now that I could've helped her but I can't condemn myself for not knowing back then. I suffered for 10 years with irritable bowel syndrome to the point of not being able to live a normal life, always in fear of an accident, but I can't condemn myself for not knowing that it was 100% mental and that I could find a way out of my mind. Two and a half years ago, I found my way out of my ideas, out of my mind and got my life back. When that happened, I was able to totally accept myself, seeing that the real cause of my failures wasn't due to my heart or soul, but due to be lost in my mental confusion, and my actions that hurt me were an attempt escape fear and confusion.

    I've discovered a whole world of people online and many offline that are 100% open minded that explore me, not judge me. The real problem in everyones' lives is not the actions that we regret but the true source of the actions, a confused mind made confused by a childhood education that shifted us from our hearts to our heads. Your head made a decision and created a consequence that wasn't intune with your heart. You're not responsible for not knowing this but unfortunately, you're stuck with the consequences of not knowing. Life is a tough teacher but the only true teacher. The stuff we learned about life in school or church is not real life but just ideas that became mental habits that got us perpetually confused that led us to fear of judgment that drives us desperately to desperate actions that later on we regret.

    You can squeeze the juice out of these lemons and enjoy the lemonade of wisdom and be a beacon to others. I spent the first 44 years of my life confused and will spend the rest of my life clear minded, open minded, and trying to help wherever someone also has an open mind to real change.

    I'm here to help...Ron
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2012
  3. maths

    maths Well-Known Member

    You say you killed your baby and your friends are pro-life. Does that mean you had an abortion? It sounds like you feel shame, perhaps? Have you tried to talk to anyone about it, other than pro-life friends? Maybe a different view point would help.

    Or do you mean your friends are pro-life as in, they don't want you to die? Well, that seems only natural for friends, perhaps they rip on you because they're not sure what else to do.

    I certainly know what it's like to feel worthless, Arthur-Amelia. I doubt you're worthless, yet I think I am worthless. Why is it so much easier to see the good in others, rather than in ourselves?

    I hope you hang in there. I hope you keep talking, keep posting here. I think it helps. I think it helps me and I think it could help you.
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