Having a very bad day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Spn1234, Aug 9, 2016.

  1. Spn1234

    Spn1234 Member

    Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum. I just feel extremely unhappy. I have OCD and depression, as well as anxiety. I'm on medication and going to therapy which has helped but today has been worse than others. I feel like I am a horrible person and I feel like I will always feel like this. My room is a mess right now because I haven't even had the energy to clean it (I pretty much have no energy all the time) which adds to me feeling upset. It seems like there is always a constant problem in life and my stress never ends :( I don't know what to do anymore. If anyone could offer some words of advice I would appreciate it very much.
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hello, Spn1234, I am Mox

    Thank you for joining SF and sharing your story. Just know that when you are here you are SAFE; no one will harass you or insult you. That behavior is not tolerated here.

    You are SAFE here; you're with friends.

    I am truly sorry you are having such a terrible day. Feel free to add more to the story, we want to hear about what's bothering you. The more you share the more we can try to help you. It may not always be pretty but it is from our hearts. Just let it all out. We will not judge you. Feel free to read my personal story in green at the bottom of this reply.

    OK young lady if the biggest problem you have is a messy room, than you are very lucky. No, you are not a horrible person. Trust me, you're not. The way I read your story is that basically you feel overwhelmed and don't know how to cope with it all. What's going on in your life to overwhelm you so much?

    I know you have mental diagnoses and those play a role in the way you feel. Sometimes the medication you are on can make you tired. Ask your pharmacist if that is a side effect of any medication you are on. I'm glad that you getting treatment for your mental illnesses.

    Do you have any kind of support network you can lean? Friends, family ?

    How do you cope with stress, what do you do? Do you keep a journal, do you go for a walk. If you do not then maybe give those two a try. The website has a private diary function and you can post stuff there and no one can read it, it may be a good idea to help you sort out your emotions. I know it really helped me out for a period of time. I know you say you have no energy, but push yourself to get out of your room and go for a walk; trust me you will feel better. The more you do it better you will feel If you have a dog take it for a walk and that will make you feel even better.

    Do you have any kind of set schedule? Where you get up at 8 am and at 9 am you do this and so forth? Maybe you should make one, and put an hour down to clean your room everyday. It will be hard at first but it will get easier with time.

    We are here if you need us.

    Take Care of Yourself
  3. Spn1234

    Spn1234 Member

    Hi Mox,

    Thank you for your reply. Your words helped put things in perspective for me when I feel extremely stressed out. I am overwhelmed because of my OCD. I feel responsible for a lot of things that aren't even my responsibility, and I let that take me over a lot of times. Therapy has helped me learn to realize I can take that burden off of myself, but I'm still trying to learn how to do that.

    I do usually get up around 7, but I'm not in school right now so I do not have a set schedule at the moment. In about two weeks classes start again (I'm in college) so I will have a schedule at that point. I will try your idea of setting an hour a day to clean my room.

    Sometimes I just feel so sad I don't even want to get up in the morning. My doctor prescribed me Prozac as well now so I am hopeful that that will help me get my compulsions under control. Part of the reason (aside from the extreme fatigue all the time) I think I have let my room get to be so messy is because I feel like I want it to be perfect and it will stress me out that it won't be perfectly clean so why should I even try? (I know this probably doesn't make much sense, but this is how my brain works). I do have friends and family who listen to me and try to help. I know deep down though I will have to be the one strong enough to face my own issues and beat them.

    Some background on my story-I lost my father at a very young age and my therapist believes that the trauma caused my OCD. After that I started feeling like I had to do certain things (whether it be opening and closing a door 3 times, etc) to prevent something else bad from happening to me. Over the years it has just gotten progressively worse.

    Thank you again for your reply, I really appreciate it.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    I like that attitude kid!!!!!

    I am so sorry that you lost your father at a young age; I can not image the impact that had on your life. I am glad that you are in therapy. I am glad that you seem very self-aware of your problems and you take ownership of them. That is a very mature thing to do.

    I totally understand that you feel so sad that you don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

    Maybe someday you will feel comfortable enough to share your full story. You are SAFE here, no one is going to insult you or judge you. We will rally around you and give you the best support we can. We will put our arms around you and help you the best we can.

    I understand where you are coming from with the bedroom has to be perfect or not at all. My ex-wife was that way.

    What are you majoring in college?

    We are here for you

    Take Care
  5. Spn1234

    Spn1234 Member

    Thank you. Up until recently I don't think I ever really dealt with the grief. I just kind of stuffed it away and tried not to think of it. But I've been carrying it around all along. My therapist is trying to help me work through that.

    Basically OCD has been an issue since I was five years old. (I'm 21 now.) I remember thinking as a child "if I don't do this perfectly then my mother will die too." Over the years it has developed into an even more intense responsibly complex, constantly worried that I will forget to do something correctly, or accidentally harm something. Then I start to tell myself that I am trying to harm things on purpose which sends me into an anxiety attack.

    I am majoring in history. I want to be a professor
  6. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Me again, sorry but your stuck with me =)

    The way I am reading this is, you are blaming yourself for what happened to your father? (Your lucky your not online right now; or me and you would be having a major heart to heart talk.) Am I right?

    I know all about stuffing stuff down inside and holding it in. My personal experience has been it hurts more holding it in that it would to let it out. I would really like for you to share you story with us and let us help you with it. We are here to help you, no one will judge you or make fun of you. We will rally to you and help you the best way we can. You are SAFE with us. Think about it ok.

    If you ever want to talk privately you can always PM me or IM me.

    Take Care of Yourself
  7. IamTetsuo

    IamTetsuo Well-Known Member

    You certainly don't come across as a horrible person! but I'm really sorry that you feel like that and that you've had to carry so much heavy stuff with you through life. It sounds that you are becoming very aware of what's going on inside you and this is always the point that we can make a stand - from the point of awareness. It is possible to make a change, this is something that I have been trying to drill into my head. You do not have to feel like this for ever.

    Then do nothing! If it feels like there is a constant problem in your life then that is the problem itself. There is no end to problems if that's what you're inclined to look for. You are worrying about worrying and please, don't start worrying about that. It's ok, you are ok, your room is ok, I really hope that you find your peace of mind.
  8. billyj

    billyj New Member

    It sounds like you are on the right track, and the support here and work in therapy can help. I think meds are good too. Don't think that everybody else is perfect, we are all a little cracked :). Being able to express what is going on with you is really healthy. When we have no outlets our problems are like a balloon full of air under the water. They just keep wanting to pop up unless we keep them down. That alone can be tiring. Letting them out is a way of taking the air out of them and gives you more energy for things that need to be done. Remember, all of us have problems. It's how we respond to them that will change our future.
  9. Spn1234

    Spn1234 Member

    Hi mox

    No, I do not blame myself for the death of my father. But after my father died I developed OCD, and from then on I would do my rituals and compulsions to prevent something else bad happening from me if that makes sense. My therapist has taught me that doing these rituals has absolutely no effect on what will happen. For example, sometimes I'll think "if I wear that shirt today then something bad will happen to me." Me wearing that shirt will not make something bad happen to me, nor will not wearing the shirt prevent something bad from happening to me. I guess OCD became my coping method to try to protect myself from "bad things."

    Other times I would drive home from school and have to turn around multiple times because I kept thinking I hit something. I hadn't hit anything, but in my mind it felt real. I actually googled it and some others with OCD do the same thing. I used to wash my hands until they bled because I constantly felt like I had germs on them and I would make someone sick.

    Carrying that around and feeling like I had all of those burdens on me really took a toll on my mental health. The depression started probably about 3 years ago. I feel tired even if I've gotten enough sleep, and I just kind of feel like a worthless person sometimes. All I feel like doing most of the time is laying down and watching tv. I hate going out places a lot of the time now. But when I do go out and do things I feel much better. It's just hard to remember that in the moment. Small things and inconveniences feel huge to me most of the time and set me off into this overwhelming feeling of how nothing ever goes right, I'm always going to be this way, etc.

    Medication and therapy has helped a lot though. I feel a lot better because of it. I realize that I don't have all of these burdens on me that I place on myself.
  10. Spn1234

    Spn1234 Member

    Thank you for your reply Tetsuo. I will try to remember that I can make a change in my life. I have control over my emotions and I don't need to let them run me.

    That's exactly what I feel like and that makes total sense about the whole "constantly feeling like there is a problem is the problem" thing. That helped put things in perspective for me.
  11. Spn1234

    Spn1234 Member

    Thanks Billy :) a lot of the time I do feel like other people are perfect or they have perfect lives, when in reality, no one does. Talking about things has helped me tremendously. It helps me realize that my problems aren't insurmountable like they feel like.
  12. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi @Spn1234 and welcome to the forum. If talking helps you have most certainly found the right place. SF is a close knit community and offers support and help through your darkest hours, I am glad you chose to join and become a part of our community. Hope to see more of you around the forum, welcome again )
  13. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    That is great, I was worried about you girl.

    I am glad you recognize your illness and all of its various effects they have on you. You know what you are doing has no impact on anything; but you are still compelled to do it. So how do you get to the point you stop feeling compelled to act on them? I can't even imagine the chaos your illness causes in your life.

    You seem like you are a very bright person that is very aware of her situations and that is great.

    Take Care