Having a very difficult time tonight. Fighting it, but need help

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Waylay, Dec 17, 2015.

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  1. Waylay

    Waylay New Member

    Hi all,

    I've go a 25-year history of depression and anxiety, and was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a few years ago. I go back and forth about whether the diagnosis fits me; My current mental health providers don't think that it does. My mother has been emotionally dependent on me my entire life. My stepfather was emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive. My Dad is either a high-functioning autistic person or a sociopath, or both.

    I was functional for years, despite being miserable and very self-destructive. I have 2 degrees fron MIT. Eight years ago, when I was 32 and in the middle of my PhD, I injured my back. I had spinal surgery. I developed massive amounts of scar tissue, and ended up in chronic pain. I've been disabled ever since. I was massively depressed for about 5 years, but was doing a lot better 2.5 years ago. Got a part-time job. The job became full-time because my coworker went on maternity leave, although I was still being paid part-time. The stress was through the roof. I should have quit.

    At the same time, I was going through a lot of unrelated angst. With the help of my group therapy group and several friends, I realized that my Dad is abusive, and has been for a long time, although he's been getting worse with age. He disowned me a little over a year ago. He was suing my brother in order to get access to his grandchildren, and my bro was about to lose his home because of the legal fees. I had tried to talk my Dad out of it, but he wouldn't see reason. I finally threatened to testify to his abusive tendencies in court for my bro, and he ended our relationship. My stepmother, who I loved dearly, sided with him. I also lost my surrogate mother to cancer 3.5 years ago, and am dealing with having been drugged and raped about 3 years ago. I began to fall apart about a year ago, when work started getting crazy stressful. I've been signed off for stress 3 times this year. About 2 months ago I lost my shit and couldn't work anymore. I got signed off for the rest of my contract - until the 31st of December - in late November.

    I feel like shit. I'm 40 years old. I'm highly educated. I was a serious scientist before the back problems started. Now I'm fighting the benefits system in order to have enough money to live, my career is completely destroyed, I'm bankrupt, and I'm not going to get a reference from this job, which was my first full-time job in years. I've barely left the house in 2 months. I'm not showering. I'm barely eating.

    Tonight my bf, who is also depressed, begged me to come out to the pub. I managed to make it at 10pm, although I was supposed to be there at 7pm. I stupidly had 2 glasses of wine. Now I'm mostly through another bottle, and struggling not to self-harm, or worse. I need help. I've been going through the mental health system, again. It took 34 days for me to see a psychiatrist, despite an urgent referral from my GP. The psychiatrist upped my meds and prescribed a new one, but forgot to tell his administrator, so 8 days later, I still don't have the new meds. I'm waiting for a tribunal for my benefits. I have nowhere to go for Xmas, because I live on a different continent from my family - this is partially on purpose, because they're so crazy - but it's hardest at this time of the year. On January 1, I won't have the money to pay for rent or food, and I don't know what to do. Also, my cat is dying.

    Yeah. Help. Please. I'm struggling not to cut my wrists right now.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you and i am sorry you have been through so much pain. You don't need to harm yourself anymore go to hospital emergency and let them know you need help now not later now and the psych doctor on call there can help you
  3. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through this . The system should be put in place to easily be there for people like you who need help in times like this .. It makes me so sad when things unravel like this and people who have worked so hard can't get the hell they need . I can't offer much , but I'm hear if you need to talk .. Hopefully things will start coming together ..
  4. Waylay

    Waylay New Member

    Thank you both. I'm doing a bit better now. I went to A&E, as suggested, and am now on new meds.
    2 people like this.
  5. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you went and got real help. I hope that it is a chance for you to stat taking better care of yourself and really learn how to feel better. Be proactive and if the meds don't work after a reasonable time have them change them or try different- not just stop getting treatment. Fight for your right to feel better. (hug))
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