Having all these thoughts but nothing helps

[negative]

Okay, this is the first time i try help online. Actually one of my first times trying to get help. I've talked to some of my best friends about my thoughts, and they say they think the same, but they just can't see it from my perspective.

Okay, so il start with saying a bit about myself.
I'm 17 years soon and i live in Norway. I got actually a good life, but in a way, i wont have such a good life in the future. I just know it.

Ever since i started in 8th grade i've wanted to end my life. I have these thoughts about how good it would be for me to not beeing mocked for being a little dark skinned. My dad is from Iraq and left me when i was about three years old. He was raping my mother and took her cash once a month all the time. He was hitting me and my brother. My mother is deaf, and that is resulting in that i have to live with my grandfather on my mother's side. I've not seen my father since he left me, and i hate him for what he did. My grandfather is not the type that i want to talk to about problems. He thinks im someone else than i really am. I mean like, he thinks i am a happy person, not a sad suicidal person. The same way as my friends. I got two bestfriends that i talk to about everything. They are the most perfect persons i've ever met. But my other bestfriends, theyre only those bestfriends i hang with, not the bestfriends i actually tell things to. They mock me all the time because of my father is from iraq, me being a little darker than them and stuff. I hate it, even though i know theyre just joking. I've tried to tell them to stop, but it only makes it worse. Sometimes i don't know why im friends with them. But sometimes they could be pretty good friends. But i hate it.
And im not doing pretty well at school, i just cant consentrate, no matter what. Something that makes me get bad grades and eventually not get a good job, a job that i can make money on and feed my family and shit. I can't even get a girlfriend, something that not helps on my selfrespect. I don't think im pretty, handsome or good at anything. I think im just a loser.
So, i've been thinking about some ways to kill my self. Fast, effective and painless.
Shoot myself - where should i get a gun? <- NO
Hang myself - don't like the idea <- NO
Take drugs and shit <- NO

But, i've come to an good idea. Since i have the license on moped, i could drive right in front of a truck, or crash into something in high speed or anything like that.

I srsly need help!

Both why i should do it and why i shouldn't.

 

[may71]

Hello Negative and welcome to suicide forum!


Please don't do this!

You're really young. I think that life can become really good for you, but you don't realize this yet.

You have two good friends, and that is something to be thankful for.

Getting some therapy would help I think. The trauma you went through of your dad being abusive to you and your mom and your brother sounds like something that you need to talk about. All of the bad experiences that you have had may be contributing to having low self-esteem and feeling suicidal. Getting therapy may help to change that.

Please don't try to kill yourself by any method. But please especially don't try to kill yourself via a traffic accident.

1 You could end up paralyzed

2 You would traumatize anyone who hit you

3 What if the truck driver, or someone else on the road, swerved to avoid you, and ended up killing someone else? Traffic accident would create a high possibility that you would kill or injure someone else.

I think that this is something that you can get through.


With the friends that tease you, maybe you could write them a letter so that they know that you are serious, tell them how much it really bothers you, and that if they can't stop, you don't want to see them again.

Do you have any contact now with your mom and your brother?

 

[negative]

Yes, my brother lives with my grandmother, my grandfather and grandmother is divorced, so we live each for us.
And yes, my mom come over once a month for a week or so.

I've been to therapy for two years ago. Didn't help anything. That's why i try here.

Yes, that's why i'm like no to traffic accidents. And i don't like pain, so i wont do anything that hurts.

 

[may71]

some therapists are bad. maybe you could try seeing a different one? some people see three or four before they find one that they like.