if you are an abuse survivor maybe you should stop reading and run as fast as you can somewhere else.. trigger trigger trigger thank god thanksgiving only happens one day a year.. i am so very close to losing it all now.. just close because i just can't let that happen.. something else i do not really like about myself. my sis Joanne asks me to come celebrate the holidays with her family sometimes.. foolish and ass me the other day let slip to her husband that katie my ex was going to take john for thanksgiving dinner with her again.. that led to being asked graciously to come spend thanksgiving with sis and her family.. 3 phone calls in two days askiong me to come be with them .. i need to talk to my sister with just me and her in attendance.. this is going to be very difficult for both of us.. joanne left me with our parents adn got away at age 17 to attend college and never looked back.. parents and i moved into the house shortly after she left which joanne and larry are currently living in.. if i approach the James street hill or highway 18 which both lead to that house i start becoming really ill and terrified. flashbacks, dissociation and hallucinations all leadin to just pure terror thoughout my being.. i cannot go back to that house.. even in police custody or cause of a court order i just cannot go back there... i need to figure out how to tell joanne how i feel about this.. also there is the issue of her leaving me there for 5 more years with those monsters.. joanne and larry seem very happy in that house.. do not want to ruin that for them even a little bit.. also joanne seems to have recovered quite a bit from waht happened to her during childhood.. i also do not want to disturb that for her either. do i just keep silent and try best i can to gracefully just no i can't come there cause i am busy and doing something else or taking care of johnny and can't come now.. or should i try to talk to her .. i just do not know i have been blocked and not able to cry forever. i love my sister very much. maybe talking this otu together may finally let me open the floodgates and just let it all out.. i really need this finally but feel that this probably not fair to joanne.. am pretty blitzed from the 3/4's of bottle of cheap champagne i had with dinner.. thinking i will just drink the remaining and go to bed and hope the world looks better when i wake in the middle of the night.. hope johnny adn katie are doing ok now..