having some real problems now

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by jimk, Nov 24, 2011.

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  1. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    if you are an abuse survivor maybe you should stop reading and run as fast as you can somewhere else..

    trigger trigger trigger

    thank god thanksgiving only happens one day a year.. i am so very close to losing it all now.. just close because i just can't let that happen.. something else i do not really like about myself.

    my sis Joanne asks me to come celebrate the holidays with her family sometimes.. foolish and ass me the other day let slip to her husband that katie my ex was going to take john for thanksgiving dinner with her again.. that led to being asked graciously to come spend thanksgiving with sis and her family.. 3 phone calls in two days askiong me to come be with them ..

    i need to talk to my sister with just me and her in attendance.. this is going to be very difficult for both of us.. joanne left me with our parents adn got away at age 17 to attend college and never looked back..

    parents and i moved into the house shortly after she left which joanne and larry are currently living in.. if i approach the James street hill or highway 18 which both lead to that house i start becoming really ill and terrified. flashbacks, dissociation and hallucinations all leadin to just pure terror thoughout my being..

    i cannot go back to that house.. even in police custody or cause of a court order i just cannot go back there... i need to figure out how to tell joanne how i feel about this.. also there is the issue of her leaving me there for 5 more years with those monsters..

    joanne and larry seem very happy in that house.. do not want to ruin that for them even a little bit.. also joanne seems to have recovered quite a bit from waht happened to her during childhood.. i also do not want to disturb that for her either.

    do i just keep silent and try best i can to gracefully just no i can't come there cause i am busy and doing something else or taking care of johnny and can't come now.. or should i try to talk to her .. i just do not know

    i have been blocked and not able to cry forever. i love my sister very much. maybe talking this otu together may finally let me open the floodgates and just let it all out.. i really need this finally but feel that this probably not fair to joanne..

    am pretty blitzed from the 3/4's of bottle of cheap champagne i had with dinner.. thinking i will just drink the remaining and go to bed and hope the world looks better when i wake in the middle of the night..

    hope johnny adn katie are doing ok now..
  2. In a Lonely Place

    In a Lonely Place Well-Known Member

    Hey jim,it's a tricky one because I think you and your sis ultimately need to have a talk with just the two of you present. In order to kind of get things out in the open,to acknowledge the past. I tried to block out my childhood but it all comes flooding back from time to time and now I can speak to my sister about it occasionally,it seems to help some.I think if it were me I wouldnt do this right now,I'd just politely decline the invite and if your sister questions you why,you could maybe just say "il tell you one day soon" or something in order to give you an opening for the conversation you need to have. I certainly wouldn't remain silent on this forever as they were both of your parents and it's a subject you really should address. My own mother recently revealed she was abused by a family member when she was a child and it's caused arguments and people saying "why is she saying this now,she kept quiet all these years,why bother now" but I think things of this nature should always be got out in the open no matter how late in the day. It's maybe the only way we can start to make sense of these things and start healing otherwise we can start thinking it was maybe a bad dream or something. I think it makes it real to tell someone and your sis is just the person to speak with as you can then share your experiences of life as kids growing up with your parents. I hope this may help in some small way,best wishes to you jim
  3. ScarlettBlood

    ScarlettBlood Well-Known Member

    Hey Jim, dunno if you remember me, but anyways, I think you really should talk to her. Just the two of you. I can't really relate exactly to your problem, but I can sympathize. So try to tell her what you actually think, yeah. Let it all out, and just explain this to her. Tell her exactly what you told us, (unless you feel you need to keep something from her. You shouldn't have to, but if you feel this is so, then do so.) I really hope things get better for you Jim. Know no matter what happens, you've always got somebody that will listen. Your sister is probably one of those people. Go for it! Good luck! :D
  4. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    thank you Mark adn Scarlett..appreciate your words.. got some sleep without a lot of messy dreams.. i needed that.. things better now..

    pretty much resigned to not going to change the current relationship with joanne. at least until after my apt Jan 3 with my therapist.. sis seems to be doing fine and do not think she needs all this..

    i called the consulting nurse at my hmo last night beforre heading off to bed.. a real sweetheart hazel listened to my soul and then just really helped me.. it was so very tough for me to get the words out to her.. we ended the conversation that i should probably not try to quit the marlboros again now.. a giggle out of both of us before my voice cracked and i tried to say good night.
  5. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Jim, just wanted to let you know I read this and I understand.

    The last time I was at my parents house I spent the night sitting against the door so no one could come in. Never tried to stay the night there again.

    Just wanted to give you a safe gentle :hug:
  6. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    texas kitty a caring hug back at you now.. in my many years and travels it hurts very deeply to see and hear and find so much real hurt still affecting good people. this hurt done to them by those that were supposed to love, nuture and take care of them..

    almost enough to make me have to beleive in a heaven where these lost souls finally find their freedom, comfort and relief..
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