Having suicidal thoughts...help needed

[hessbz12]

I am new to this forum and never ever thought I would be part of a suicide forum. I am a 27 year old male. I have been suffering with what I think is depersonalization/derealization, depression and anxiety since around 2001. I have been a worrier my whole life. I have had a very normal up bringing. Two great parents. A great brother. Great friends. Athletic. In good physical shape. Have a college degree and almost have my Masters degree. But something has just always not been right. I've always felt out of it and just detached from the world around me and myself. I just don't know how to explain it, but it has really always been there in some capacity. I've always been very close to my parents and as I've grown older I get scared of having my own life and them growing older and me being here without them. The thought of it scares me to death. I don't know what first caused my depersonalization and other feelings, but since 2001 I had an episode and it's come and gone in intensity since. Over the last year, the stress of growing up more, having to work everyday, trying to find a girlfriend I trust and have things in common with, and the stress of depersonalization has sucken me into a deep hole of detachment I fear I will never be able to recover from.

It is all very hard to describe, but basically I feel detached from myself and the world around me. I sometimes don't feel like I know where I am, though if someone were to ask me where I was, I would be able to tell them. My head hurts from the pressure of thinking about it all the time. I have tired therapists and many different medications, none that have really effectively helped.

I just feel at a loss and I am more and more scared of living every day. It is so hard to live in a "normal" life when you feel this way. No one can understand why I feel this way, but yet it is nearly impossible for me to get out of bed every day. I have started to think of suicide lately and it scares me a lot. I have so much to live for, but can't because I am so detached and scared and can't get my mind to change. I just don't know how to keep going on this way.

I don't know what I want from this forum and this thread. I guess I thought I'd just get some thoughts out. I could write for days, but just feel too exhausted to do so at the moment. This post is long enough as is.

 

[Forgotten_Man]

Hey are you still around? One of the curses of small forums like this not many people around to be active and post right away.

Anyway, you probably feel detached because you are doing what you think you should be doing not what you want to be doing. Granted you should want to work to pay bills. But that is it really. You seem to be doing what you think people do. Not what you want to do. You go to work and then you go off and try to find a mate. Is that what you really want to do? I used to have the same problem years ago. I did stuff because I thought it was normal. But I started to feel better once I did the stuff that I wanted to do. Granted it caused other problems and that is why I am here.

My advice to you is figure out what you want to do. Just sit and think, try and decide what you want to do. Then do it, that is what I did when I was younger. I thought about what I had more fun doing, socializing or playing video games? And I figured out that I liked video games better. Granted I later figured out that I was really very lonely without my kitty around to snuggle with. But I had fun playing video games and watching anime. That is/was so much easier than dealing with people. I am slowly cutting off the annoying feeling in the back of my head telling me I need to be around people. As well as I am cutting off feeling other peoples views on me. It is VERY slow but I am getting there.

The point is do what you want not what you think you want. Trust me I know, when I was much younger my dad told me I wanted to have intercourse. But I was 12 at the time, and immature, I did not even really understand why my body was doing what it did and here my dad was diving me into full blown intercourse. And I tried and failed a GREAT deal and got depressed but I pretended not to be. But once I found something that I could truely enjoy I compared it to what my dad told me was fun and it did not even come close.

Sorry for rambling, point of the story find out what you want. Look to your hobbies or just to random things you may have tried once. I don't know I want to die and have so many other thoughts of hatrad towards myself I am really in no position to be giving advice.

 

[TheBLA]

Hmm, feeling a lot like you Forgotten_Man, going away from socializing and more towards videogames, I know its pretty much a bad path to go towards, but I've just been alone and isolated for so long, I feel like I can't connect with anyone, I'm inferior to everyone on Earth, everyone on these forums, everyone.
I wish I could start my life from scratch, even though I am only 19 and everyone says I have so much ahead of me, its just I was raised improperly and so my life is so empty and shallow. I have videogames and my love of computers and watching cartoons, Japanese or American, that are my rich passions. These are the things I enjoy in life, even though there are many more things to enjoy, I am not fit for this life, I wish I could start my life all over again, I dunno what to do now, I feel really scared and hopeless right now. And nobody here knows me and I'm always ignored. Sigh....

 

[hessbz12]

No one really knows how it feels to be utterly obsessed with feeling attached to yourself and the world around you and have extreme anxiety and fear and dissociation because of constantly thinking about this.

My mind is an utter mess. I can hardly be awake. No one understands how I can mean this, but I can't. I just can't handle it. Everything is so hard in my mind. Feeling detached and being scared of it is the hardest thing in the world to deal with.

Everytime I think I dissociate even more. When I talk I dissociate. Every second of the day I am dissociated. No one gets it.

Not doctors, not my family, not my friends, no one. So what is the point of being here?

 

[abcdeeeehmmost]

i ask that question all the time
what is the point....

i am already dead inside...

everyday is just another trial... who will tell me it just in my head... and i will remove myself from them and how can i remove myself from my own thoughts

i lie in bed and my mind floods with dead thoughts like...

deaths eyes beecken me to draw a end, cold steel drains the warmth from my soul, relief from my own thoughts as the trickle of life falls upon dead ears

sorry just rambling
we are here to help each other

 

[hessbz12]

Honestly...I don't really want to die, but I can't go on living with my brain like this. I have been dealing with anxiety/depression/depersonalization/derealization for over 5 years. I have been seeing therapists since 2001 and have tried many, many, many different medications. I have only gotten worse and the intensity has only grown stronger and stronger. Right now I am at the point where I can barely even think and barely even move. Yet I still go to work. Still workout. Still try to do things with my friends. But I just don't know how much longer I can hold up like this. From the outside looking in I have a great life. Great, supportive family...great friends...a steady job that pays decently with good benefits and stability...am in good physical shape. But from my eyes up (my brain), I am a mess. My thought pattern is so messed up and my automatic thoughts and feelings are so crazy.

With every movement, sound, thought or visual I dissociate, detach and feel like I am gonna lose it. I can't even think. It is no way to live. And there is no quick way out of this. Medications are all trial and error and take so much time to work effectively. I have no trauma in my life or in my past to deal with. I have no idea what to do. I don't think I want to die either cause I won't be able to feel then either.

What can I do?