**having the urge!** (poss trig)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marshmallow, Dec 10, 2006.

  1. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Feeling the urge to burn myself, pretty bad! so fucking bad, im about to burst into tears...well not anymore because i am :cry:

    Sitting here feeling pretty low, ever since earlie this morning i've been feeling shit. Been thinking about the past and somethings that happened.

    Things that not even the closest person to me knows. Growing up with violence, violence directed at me by my own brother. Why hate me so much? whta did i ever do to him?

    A few years ago i truely believed he tried to kill me, we was in an argument and he pinned me down on the bed and held a tight grip around my throat, so hard that i couldn't breath, felt like i was gonna pass out, had marks around my neck for days. The only reason he stopped was because my step dad had to psychially drag him off me, and even then my mum or step dad said nothing about it.

    Was in the head with a cricket bat by him.

    Had a pool cue whacked over my leg leaving a bruise for a few days.

    He turned out like his father, like my so called father.

    Too much violence, saw my 9 year old brothers dad grab my mum by the throat when he was under a year old.

    Why violence directed at me? that why i need to be punished? i shall punish myself now.........the only way i know how....
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2006
  2. ~Nobody~

    ~Nobody~ Well-Known Member

    Re: **having the urge!**

    No, please try to stay strong! I know you can do it! :) We are all here for you. You can talk to me. I've gone four days. Even though you don't know it you're helping me push on with that.

    I'm really sorry to hear about your brother...

    We love you!

    :hug: :hug:

  3. ~Serendipity~

    ~Serendipity~ Active Member

    Re: **having the urge!**

    Please don't hurt yourself ... not over him and what he did he is definately not worth the pain !!!!

    Do you still see your brother or is he out of your life ??

    My brother used to beat the crap out of me and he also loved to pin my arms round my back and push them up so hard I thought they would pop out the sockets I would scream and cry but it was almost like he relished in my pain. He's older than me by six years and some of the things he did I am sure I blocked out and some years later I started to recall other stuff which is wierd cos your not sure if it really happened or your imagination ??

    I could not tell my mom as with her suffering depression, even as young as I was, I did not want to upset her. It stopped when I started properly fighting back and sticking up for myself and threatening him back that I will tell someone. But then the damage is done ... I hate him and only speak to him IF I have to for family reasons.

    The one thing that I did learn from all of it is he was the asshole who damn well knew what he was doing and I will not blame myself or punish myself in any way for his actions. he disgusts me, but I hold my head up high !

    You are not to blame !! you should not punish yourself !!
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Re: **having the urge!**

    I haven't talked to him in + 6 months he left home, doubt ill ever have a proper relationship with him ever again, hes done far to many things than i forgive him for.
  5. ~Serendipity~

    ~Serendipity~ Active Member

    Re: **having the urge!**

    Sounds like you will be the same as me then vikki :) and believe me its great cos I am the one who controls any contact we have, which is a rare phonecall especially now I am in Australia and he is in the UK.

    Is he the reason why you hurt yourself or just part of it ??

    ... and I just read that you have not done anything for a while now ... thats great vikki you should feel very proud of yourself :hug:
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Re: **having the urge!**

    I don't intend on seeing him again, he did so much to do this damage and i actually hate him for it.

    Ever since we was little he made my life hell made me feel worthless and i believed it and still do. I hate myself ALOT

    So much that im willing to put myself thru physical pain in order to prove that right.

    Recently its just been on my mind especially the strangling, I've had tried to strangle myself before and did a few weeks ago out of stress and anger. But i saw someone i deeply care about try strangle themselfs and i've had that playing thru my mind and its just kinda triggered what he did.

    The person concernec had no idea about what he did and has done, i didn't tell them so they don't fully understand why seeing what i did has affect me so much, guess thats my own fault for not saying anything.

    Dunno if talking about this is doing any good or just making me feel worse, i feel pretty shitty right now.....i mean REALLY shitty.....god knows what im gonna do....i just wanna end it....just get out....i dunno anymore