Having trouble

[babycheeses]

Sorry, nevermind, it's petty.

Is there any way I can delete this topic?

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

Whats wrong?

 

[Jenny]

If you wanna talk to us about what's going on for you, please do.. it may help.. and please don't worry about whether it's 'petty' or not. We're not here to judge or tell you that's no reason to be upet, etc. Give us a chance

:hug:

 

[babycheeses]

Aww thanks.

I guess I'm just worried i'm being destructive to those I love and that it might be better for me to end things.

I feel like I need these people in my life so much but if they knew the real me they would abandon me. And I don't think I can blame them for that.
I'm gay and a lot of people in my life would take issue with that. I know it's not their business etc but as much as I'd like to say they're "wrong" I also care about them a lot and don't wanna just leave them.

I know I'm being vague but I guess I'm just exhausted, sorry.

Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[Jenny]

Thanks for sharing what's going on.. i know that must have taken a lot out of you and i hope that it helped somewhat to at least write it down and share it :hug:

I think many of us can relate to the feeling of feeling destructive to the ones we love.. and that maybe they'd be better off without us. I certainly have gone through those emotions.. but a part of me knows that they would be distraught without me. If they were given the choice, i think they'd rather know what was on my mind, even if it hurt them, than to find me dead one morning.

Do you think the loving and caring people in your life would abandon you for who you are? The theory, of course, is that the people who love us do so unconditionally. Whether we are gay or not. I know that reality doesn't always work out quite as planned.. and often people can be upset for their various personal reasons.. but do you think that, given a bit of time, they would come to realise that as long as YOU are happy, that's all that matters?

I hope that you are able to get some rest.. and please know that we do care for ya and are here if you need to talk some more..

:hug: :rose:
Jenny x

 

[babycheeses]

Thanks, Jenny.

Yeah I think I worry a lot about them not being okay with it. A part of me knows they'll get over it. But an irrational part of me feels like I'll be shamed and have to leave them and I'll become the distant "gay guy" that every other gay guy around here seems to become.

I'm from an area where people are less forthcoming with guys who come out. Most gay guys up and leave when everyone in our sleepy little deathtoll town hears about this one aspect of their personal lives.

Ironically most people in town blame the gay dudes who leave: as if they've chosen their sexuality over their relationships (as if a choice like that has presented itself).

The reality of it, though, is that this one part of me shouldn't threaten or be threatened by my relationships. They're not exactly synonomous with one another. I just find it funny how people see this ultimatum.

Problem is, no matter how much we might discuss it people here always seem to end up seeing this ultimatum.

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

Being gay myself i can totally understand where your coming from, it was one of the hardest things i ever had to do, when i told my bestfriend..i tried telling her in code atfirst and it didnt work, so i just told her, all she said was 'Is that it?' If these people really care about you, they should be able to look past it, i have friends that totally disagree with it, but they are able to look past it, because being gay doesnt become me, its just one small part of me. Just be strong about it, dont feel you have to rush it, why does anyone need to know right now ? When your ready just let it be, If you ever wanna talk, just let me know...im on msn tooo...^_^ Good Luck. x

 

[babycheeses]

Thanks, Tears.

Yeah I have to admit those outerstate friends who know about me are really good about, never made a big thing of it.

Everyone here is just melodramatic and I find it hard not to get caught up in it. Everything out of the norm or the majority is avoided.

Thanks guys for hearing me out. There's just so many times where I get tired of all the b.s and want to say goodbye to it. But if I just keep reminding myself of those friends though, I realise there are places I can live where it won't be so hard.
Again, I worry about my baggage following me: and I know my mental state is in my mind. But I do feel external factors can influence and play on our weaknesses sometimes.
Thanks again. I'm gonna listen to some sad songs and go to bed.

 

[TearsDropBloodTrickles]

Whats your fave sad song at the mo ? I have twoo...Lily Allens 'Little Things' and Beyonce 'Resentment' ..

 

[babycheeses]

My favourite at the moment is Rosie Thomas's "Farewell"

I'm feeling good today. Tired but good (probably cause I've been home alone all day, hehe). I've been busy though, which also helps.