He did what I don't have the courage to do.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by riz, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    A neighbor of mine killed himself about 5 months ago. He decided to hang himself off of his second floor porch. What he probably didn't know is that I've been contemplating the same thing. I've been suicidal most of my life, and it only seems like a matter of time before I'll get the motivation to go through with it.

    I've been self-injuring for 10 years now. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it has. All this time, when triggered, I've been a fraction away from ending it all, but always have stopped short.

    I know one day that I won't be able to control myself.

    All I'm left to wonder is if he knows now that I envy him.

    It's the peace that's calling me.
    The loss of feeling.
    Of existence.

    I know now, more than ever, that I'll be responsible for my own death. I just can't seem to figure out when.
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Sorry for your loss.
    Why don't you talk to us more about what is making you feel so bad?
  3. Sashi0

    Sashi0 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel, lately whenever I go to the subway I always consider jumping. I have actually tried to once but was grabbed by someone, he thought i was about to faint or something and asked if I was okay. :sad: Some time ago I actually witnessed someone jump in and I was frozen in shock. I literally saw myself, it was like an out of body experience and I saw myself being that person. People reacted and helped him out- but deep down I kind of wished I could've witnessed what was supposed to happen. Wishing it was me there. :sad:
  4. booeyburgers

    booeyburgers Active Member

    WOW, i could never imagine doing something like that. i have the same "at peace" feeling but am trying to find the courage your neighbor has...

    good luck
  5. taranama

    taranama Well-Known Member

    omg, i went through the same thing myself........but my neighbor shot himself..the same way i'm gonna die. i have no doubt about that. we got on well, and we spoke about it once, when i told him i thought about killing myself. he said if i was destined to kill myself, i'd know when, where and how it was going to happen. it almost did, but its never a good thing to not know where the safety is before its too late and you get thrown into a small room with a religious counsellor who doesn't really give a shit about anything except "god".....yeah.. what bollocks.. so i guess what i'm trying to say is anyone who is destined to kill themselves will know it when its time for them to know... hope that makes sense.... :rolleyes:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2007
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