A neighbor of mine killed himself about 5 months ago. He decided to hang himself off of his second floor porch. What he probably didn't know is that I've been contemplating the same thing. I've been suicidal most of my life, and it only seems like a matter of time before I'll get the motivation to go through with it. I've been self-injuring for 10 years now. It doesn't seem like it's been that long, but it has. All this time, when triggered, I've been a fraction away from ending it all, but always have stopped short. I know one day that I won't be able to control myself. All I'm left to wonder is if he knows now that I envy him. It's the peace that's calling me. The loss of feeling. Of existence. I know now, more than ever, that I'll be responsible for my own death. I just can't seem to figure out when.