He Doesn't Understand!!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lost?, Aug 2, 2011.

  1. Lost?

    Lost? Well-Known Member

    I have been feeling worse and worse lately. Being around people isn't really even helpful anymore. I know I shouldn't just sit alone with my thoughts because that's when I just cry for hours and things get really bad, but I'm having such a difficult time being around other people. I have to try to keep myself from bursting into tears around other people and trying to hide how I'm feeling is really causing me a lot of stress. I can't even pay attention when people talk to me because I just zone out and start thinking about how I want to die, when I will be able to kill myself, and whether or not I want to leave a note.

    The only person who knows about the issues I've been having is a good friend of mine, and I told him last week. I felt like I had to tell him because I was scared of what I might do to myself if I just kept everything inside. Now he keeps telling me that I need to go out and have fun and be around others and I know he means well, but he doesn't understand how hard it is for me to do that when all I can think about is killing myself and I want to be alone. And now I'm getting really upset because I feel like he thinks that this can just magically go away and I feel like he is just getting annoyed and fed up with me, and he is the last person I should be upset with, because I really need his help and support right now since he's the only one who knows what's going on with me. He made me promise that I would let him know when I was feeling particularly suicidal, but now I regret telling him at all and am feeling like I might go back on my word.

    I thought I was helping myself by telling him, but I guess I've just ended up taking one step forward and five steps back.
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Lost?,

    Nice to see you posting around here, as usual. :hugtackles:

    Just wanted to you to know that I can relate somewhat to how you're feeling. Earlier this year when I felt suicidal 247, I had trouble going out in public with acquaintances or just talking to strangers in public. It was like I couldn't look anyone straight in the eye, and I was more self-conscious than usual wherever I went. I was close to breaking down (I felt like crying, which I rarely do). At that time, only a few people knew about how I was feeling. Furthermore, I understand that your friend that you mentioned probably doesn't know what it's like to be in your situation, but I agree that he has good intentions. :hug: I'm glad you have a friend like that; in my experience, people like him are sometimes very hard to find.

    All the best,

  3. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    its so hard when you feel like this, like you want to sit in the corner of a dark room and stew, but you know you need to go out, so maybe try going out with only one person? or a group maybe easier, as then its less likely to notice if you strugging with tears? might try walking around the park, or just talking on the phone so you can escape if you need it? just some thoughts that were given to me when i was laying in bed every day all day... and i hope you can get out of this... we are rootin for ya
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When we tell someone something like this, it is so difficult for him/her so please be understanding...no, this does not magically go away, but isolating yourself is a part of the depression...so are the feelings of estrangement...please talk to a professional and see how care can be provided...as I said in your last post, you are a gifted writer with great insight...we need ppl like you...again, please PM me if I can be there for you...J
  5. Lost?

    Lost? Well-Known Member

    I know this must be difficult for him, and I have thanked him and let him know that I appreciate his help and support. I don't know if I want to keep sharing anything with him though. I definitely need someone now, I've spent much of the last three days just thinking about death, and the past few days have been very stressful, especially since I've been out of town and forced to be around people. I had to pretend like nothing is wrong and I was so worried that people would notice that I'm not myself, and I feel like it has taken such a toll on me emotionally, I just feel like I need to curl up in a ball and cry because I haven't been able to. But I don't want to put such a strain on our friendship by continuing to tell him about my problems. And I feel like he thinks I'm fine now that I'm out of the city and can have more time alone. But I might even be worse than before.

    I promised I'd tell him whenever I was feeling particularly suicidal so that he could do what he can to help me out and keep me from doing anything stupid. And I know I should, because there are times when I am legitimately frightened to be by myself, because I don't know what I'm going to end up doing. But at the same time, I think it would just be easier to lie to him like I do to everyone else.
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hi Lost?,

    I agree with your line of thinking that maybe finding someone who can relate to you better (maybe someone with experience in talking, helping, or supporting suicidal people, or someone who has been in your situation - other friends, family members, etc.) would be better than only reaching out to your friend who (no disrespect intended) doesn't quite understand what it's like to be suicidal/depressed etc. He sounds like he really cares for you, though. Reminds me of when I had a friend who didn't really know what to say (and was shocked) when I told him what was going on earlier this year and why I had just suddenly "disappeared for two months without talking to him." He told me to call him whenever if I wanted to go to the gym or hang out or anything, but he couldn't relate to how I was feeling at all and at first asked me "Don't you think you're being a little oversensitive and too negative about your feelings?" Later on, I had to explain to him that it wasn't that easy to just get out of the rut I was in. He was and is a good friend to this day.

    Best wishes,

    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 5, 2011
  7. Lost?

    Lost? Well-Known Member

    He's such a kind and caring person, and I know that this has not been easy for him. He's going to be the only one nearby for me to talk to and to look out for me until the 13th, so I just need him for one more week. And then I can look elsewhere for help.