The problem with being gay and in sports is that you think your not masculine enough to be in that sport even if its just running. "You'll only like me if I prove that I'm funny and witty and all those other things I like about other people." I say to other people, but more to myself because this is never out loud. When I'm being honest, I'm dejected but content with alittle humor to share. But there's not enough honesty or compassion in me to finish the last 5 kilometers so I alternative between the two. I love myself when I run and run when I love myself which sounds patheic but it's true. My mother and I agree on one thing and its that nothing is permanent. The only thing we found a truce on. Trust me I'm not Bipolar. I'm just indesicive which is supposely easier to change. I know I'll be less angry about gay guys getting beaten to death if I wasn't faced with it so for now I'll be insensitive. I probably don't make any sense so let me start over. I'm angry with myself and with anyone who is happy. I'm selfish, with a one track mind, I wish I can win with myself but thats too ambitious. People tell me I'm only in sports because I want a rocking body so I can get laid. I saw two guys in my cross country team kissing. How are they so comfortable with themselves. I can hardly even say I'm gay. I wish my body can produce antibodies to remove my gay genes, instead of making my feel uncomfortable when I think. Why can't finding love be black and white like in the movies. You meet someone by chance, over come an obstacle in your way, then fall madly in love with each other. My thoughts are distant and my mind is close. Like a mirage trying to confuse itself. Sorry, I need to stop speaking in circles and quit trying to force aniti-literature down your throats. I want some type of validation. Something that confirms who I am and what I do as a person is worth it. (sigh) How does everybody seem to get through their day.