He fell in love with a boy who like to run.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ItsOkayEllijah, Jan 15, 2012.

  1. ItsOkayEllijah

    ItsOkayEllijah Well-Known Member

    The problem with being gay and in sports is that you think your not masculine enough to be in that sport even if its just running.

    "You'll only like me if I prove that I'm funny and witty and all those other things I like about other people." I say to other people, but more to myself because this is never out loud. When I'm being honest, I'm dejected but content with alittle humor to share. But there's not enough honesty or compassion in me to finish the last 5 kilometers so I alternative between the two. I love myself when I run and run when I love myself which sounds patheic but it's true. My mother and I agree on one thing and its that nothing is permanent. The only thing we found a truce on.
    Trust me I'm not Bipolar. I'm just indesicive which is supposely easier to change. I know I'll be less angry about gay guys getting beaten to death if I wasn't faced with it so for now I'll be insensitive.
    I probably don't make any sense so let me start over. I'm angry with myself and with anyone who is happy. I'm selfish, with a one track mind, I wish I can win with myself but thats too ambitious. People tell me I'm only in sports because I want a rocking body so I can get laid. I saw two guys in my cross country team kissing. How are they so comfortable with themselves. I can hardly even say I'm gay. I wish my body can produce antibodies to remove my gay genes, instead of making my feel uncomfortable when I think. Why can't finding love be black and white like in the movies. You meet someone by chance, over come an obstacle in your way, then fall madly in love with each other. My thoughts are distant and my mind is close. Like a mirage trying to confuse itself. Sorry, I need to stop speaking in circles and quit trying to force aniti-literature down your throats. I want some type of validation. Something that confirms who I am and what I do as a person is worth it. (sigh) How does everybody seem to get through their day.
     
  2. Sardaukar

    Sardaukar Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me as if you have fallen into the trap of letting something define you, that is not a good place to be, at all. Sexuality is just a small part of who you are, and honestly, the concept of it having any direct relation to sporting prowess is delusional, I myself am bisexual, leaning towards gay, and I am a keen martial artist and I exercise a lot. There are many star athletes who just happen to be gay, since all that matters when it comes to sports, is that you enjoy it, and of course having natural skill and talent for said sport. As long as you enjoy whatever it is you do, then you are validating yourself, more than. But, no matter what anyone tells you on this forum, none of it will help, unless YOU decide to accept who you are, and not let one thing define who you are, I did that for years and it nearly killed me, but once I realised I was more than my pain and my loneliness, I was able to start the process of finding out who I really was. It isn't easy, but it can be done, I know this, and it is a long, hard journey, towards recovery, and being complete again, but not an impossible one. I am sorry if I came across as a bit harsh or uncaring, I do care about you, and your situation, since I know how it feels, but you cannot sugar coat these things sadly, or else you will become complacent, and of course life is not sugar coated, at all. I hope that you can come to terms with this part of yourself, if you try to fight it or reject it, you will only get worse. Only run for YOU, because YOU enjoy it, it makes YOU feel happy and alive, not for anyone else, not for them to try and use it to validate you in their terms. Your life is about YOU, and how YOU feel about yourself. What others think is irrelevant, who are they to judge you, they don't know what you have been through, what your journey has been like. I don't know if this has helped at all, since, sadly words are just words, at the end of the day. Only actions make a difference in life.
     
  3. ItsOkayEllijah

    ItsOkayEllijah Well-Known Member

    Thank you.