I left my boyfriend of 3 years 2 months ago. I just did not love him anymore or so I think I dont. I dont want to get back with him although I do miss him dearly. We lived together for about 2 years and now I live alone and its been rough on me. He says he does not love me anymore which is fine but I do not believe him. I broke his heart but he says he does love me anymore he still wouldnt be having a rough time with our breakup and he would be able to talk to me. Its killing me that he will not talk to me. It hurts my feelings so much. Its bringing me down. I was very depressed a few weeks ago and I wanted to talk to him because he has been through it all with me and he is the only one who understands why I act the way I do and why I think the way I do. Its very weird why this is just now hitting me after being broken up for 2 months. I was fine without him and was not missing him but now its catching up to me. I was partying alot after we broke up and my friends were always around but I have slowed down with that and spend more time at home. I do like living alone but it gets lonely at times. Im kind of confused. Why am I missing him all of a sudden and why is this making me depressed. I dont want to be with him but a part of me feels like I need him in my life. I used to be a big cutter. Now im a heavy drinker and I know that does not help my depression. Last week I came an was going to cut myself but I was so drunk that I forgot. Im kind of glad for that but it still lingers my mind to do it. I attempted suicide almost 5 years ago and yeah I admit ive thought about it again during that time. Im very lost right now. My family knows of my depression but they cant really help. All I hear is im too pretty to be sad and it pisses me off like im not allowed to feel like that. I wish he would talk to me and just hold me and listin. I need a shoulder who knows exactly how im feeling at that exact moment. I probably sound stupid for feeling this way especially since im the one who left him.