He is the only reason I am still alive

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by kpaltan12, Jun 24, 2014.

  1. kpaltan12

    kpaltan12 New Member


    I am a 25-year-old guy living in London. Nine months ago I met the most amazing man who changed my life completely and gave me more happiness than I ever thought I could experience. He made my life so much better, and I finally started feeling that one day I could be a wholesome person. All of a sudden my life seemed to have some sort of a meaning and something substantial. I never thought I could love so strongly or be loved as much as I felt loved by him. I met him in the midst of my emotional downfall which started almost a year ago, and he supported me all the way through my emotional struggles. I nearly sabotaged my relationship with him with my frivolous behaviour, but he stayed with me through it all and encouraged to get therapy starting mid March. I began to deteriorate mentally and emotionally once I started seeing a therapist. I am known for being incredibly driven, ambitious and hardworking, and all of that went away one day. I lost my motivation to do anything and felt completely numb. My therapist and I started anazlying my troublesome relationship with my parents, drinking habits, extreme panic and anxiety attacks, the times when I prostituted myself to survive or was in an abusive 2-year marriage where my spouse nearly killed me. . . all of that seemed to destroy me more and more. I always had an illusion for myself that my life was better than what it was, that I was loved, that things weren't so bad, and one day looking back I realised how difficult everyday has been. Being the ultimate outcast from the day I was born and an emotionally incomplete person without a fixed identity became my reality. I am nothing, but a series of masks and performances--there is nobody behind it all. I've been diagnosed with a borderline personality disorder, but not sure if that's all there is. I think I started dying about 5 months ago, and even though I am physically still here, I feel dead inside. The last time I felt alive was when I first thought I was losing my boyfriend (he is the first person in my life who understands me without judging me, and the idea of losing that one person is unbearable). I went out for a run in the park at midnight and couldn't stop crying due to how cold he was to me. I got on all fours and started rubbing my knees against the pavement until bits of skin started coming off. The blood started flowing, and I felt just a little bit relieved--it opened up a whole new wave of tears. Then came one of the most significant days in my career--my debut film got released through very prestigious channels and received amazing reviews. I took an immense amount of <mode edit - methods> bottle of champaign, and that continued all weekend--self-torment felt necessary. Starting mid april I began to feel dead. Everything around me feels like a distant illusion, and I am just observing it all from a great distance. I felt nothing, but emptiness and ultimate numbness. My partner continued to support me and deal with my decline as a person. I progressively became more and more of just a shell, a ghost trapped in my own reality. I felt like my life has been taken away from me. Exactly a month ago I reached the point when I felt completely done with it all--the day after my birthday my boyfriend and I had a heated conversation where he hit upon most of what was going on inside my head. All of the sudden I realised he saw me in the exact way I saw myself and was convinced that was once of our last conversations (that he was gonna leave me). I decided to make it the last one. I overdosed <mod edit methods> in the woods, but they found me in a comma before it was too late. Ever since I've been either numb or angry that I woke up. I am alive only physically, and my essence as a person is gone--there is nothing left within. I feel like I don't really exist anymore, just my body floating through its simple daily routine. My mind is gone, and by the time my thoughts reach my mouth they are completely distorted. My boyfriend is taking distance from me. He's been incredibly supportive after my suicide attempt, but I think he might want to just to end it all with me (but won't do it cuz I might then act accordingly). I see how I am wrecking him. I feel he needs somebody exciting and happy, and I am just an ugly bag of problems. I love him so much and want him to be happy, but am not able to give him happiness in any way. I am thinking of leaving him and killing myself right away just to release that wonderful man from myself. But then I am afraid that there still might be a chance that I might get better, and we could have a life together. BUT if he leaves me first I will not bare a day without the one person who understands me, really understands me. In the meantime, I continue to be dead. Time, place. . . none of those things seem to have any influence on me--I have lost the sense of who I am or where I am. . . I am dead with a body that is functioning out of pure inertia.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 24, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi kpaltan1,

    Welcome to the forum. Having read your post, so sorry to hear you are currently suffering. You are not alone in your suffering and I understand what stare of mind and body you are in. Yes, this person was the soul and core of your life. You want the person back in your life but firstly you need to focus on getting better. You need to prove to yourself and your friend that you can get back on track. Yes, it's going to be hard but you must believe in yourself.

    Perhaps the actions of the past will have affect the relationship but you need to focus on getting better first. This person does really care about your and is very supportive in that they do not like seeing you suffering. No one likes to see a loved one suffering at all.

    The important thing to remember is that you posted here and that took a lot of courage to do that. Over-thinking does not help you in your current crisis but you need to focus on yourself. If you feel down please call helplines for support.

    You can PM me anytime if need to chat. I hope this post helps and please take care.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 25, 2014