he left a broken world behind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by laureen, Dec 3, 2014.

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  1. laureen

    laureen Member

    hey there everyone! i'm new to this site and don't even know if it's really popular or if anyone is reading this anything... but I guess I'm just gonna say whats on my heart.

    about 2 weeks ago my beloved 27y old son left this world by his own choice... I'm just gonna say a few things about him. He was born as the middle child and when he was about 10years old we kind of had a feeling he would be gay (he came out at 16). Which was lets say a bit of a "shock" but not so much him being gay as much as I was so worried since we live in a small town and people around us are quite homophobic. But I was confident he will be fine and he was. He graduated, moved to Milan,Italy to do his university degree in industrial Design, than moved to London, Germany than New York (he came home twice a year) but I saw him so happy and he had grown up into this beautiful man. Perfect looks, perfect face just handsome. He was so kind, helping at different organizations, tutoring in languages (he spoke English, Italian, French and German all as if they were his mother tongs) and so sensible ... which looking back was fatal.

    than recently he was diagnosed with IBS, lost so much weight (he already was skinny to begin with) went from doctor to doctor, exams after exams and than he started saying his constant pain will cost him his job. Which it did, he was constantly in need of a bathroom and was in so much pain 24/7 and this lead to a severe depression. I feel so guilty.... I saw my boy suffering and I couldn't help him. I couldn't take his pain away. He lost his amazing job which allowed him to travel the world, lost his partner whom I adore and ended up laying in bed all day and cry. Pills didn't really work, diets didn't either. There was nothing I could do.

    And than the day arrived, we were awoken by a police call. He <mod edit - methods>. I am in tears and yet numb while I'm writing this.

    I feel so guilty and feel like I died with him. The letter addressed to me explains how sorry he is and how he doesn't want me to cry and be sad, because he is finally free of all this pain. And since this small town is very anti gay I had encounters with people telling me he is better of this way, it's God way of punishing homosexuality, that he was a sinner and this want meant to happen. This saddens me so much, because they are telling me he was a "bad person" which he wasn't at all. He was the kindest person ever.

    I find myself waking up at night looking at my phone, hoping to see a txt from him or waiting for him to knock on the door because I don't want to face the fact that he left this world.

    so here is my story... as I said I don't know if anyone reads it and I don't want to be a burden on anyone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 3, 2014
  2. mskazza

    mskazza New Member

    Hi Laureen. I'm not an expert on anything so please don't be offended if I write the wrong thing. Your son sounds like a wonderful boy whom you had every right to be so proud of. Sounds like he loved you very much too, leaving this life must have been the very last resort for him after a long struggle and battle. Please don't feel guilty, I'm so sure he wouldn't want that. I can't imagine your pain, please speak with a grief councellor, do not listen to the evil from the nasty people who dare to say anything negative about your boy, you know the truth and their opinions are irrelevant. My thoughts are with you, and your son.
  3. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum and so sorry for your loss. I don't want to commit suicide because of the guilt and sadness I will cause others even though I crave death so much and may actually do it sometime.

    Just a cautionary note: Methods are not allowed here so you may want to edit your post to eliminate the paragraph on how he died. I cannot - I am not an admin person.
  4. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    I can not imagine or even begin to imagine what you are going through. My heart does go out to you. Your son sounds as if he was an incredible incredible person.
    Shame on those small minded and disgusting bigots with there hurtful false ideology about his sexuality! Terrible truly terrible. No words I know can help you. I don't know you , I know your son would have been a wonderful person to know. I hope someday you find peace. You will be in my thoughts today very much.
  5. laureen

    laureen Member

    thank you so much for your reply. I beg you don't do it... it may seem like you're at "the end" but you are never alone. Confide in anyone you can find- don't go through this alone. I can't tell you what to do and don't know your life but as tragic as it may seem it's worse for people that love you and are left behind wishing you were here.

    I'm sorry, I didn't know the rules - its changed now. thank you
  6. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for the loss of your son and that he had to suffer from so much pain.
  7. laureen

    laureen Member

    thank you so much - I feel like words can't describe how thankful I am that people replied. I send you my love! He truly was an amazing "kid" - I keep calling him kid or boy because in my mind it feels like just yesterday he was my happy little boy.
    it's so hard with people around that don't "care", telling me he can't hear me and he's a sinner. I have all his text messages saved and keep reading them as a "comfort", because I know he typed them, full of love and compassion. Telling me he raised money for a orphanage just because he came across it. He was working in Design-Fashion business but yet his heart always was beating for other people, trying so hard to "change the world" in his small ways.
  8. laureen

    laureen Member

    thank you so much. I feel like can't say this to people around me, but I keep talking to his picture that I have with me all the time. Telling him about my day and just as if he were here.
  9. Deadly

    Deadly Well-Known Member

    Hi Laureen I wish there some way to take away your pain. I know there is not. I hope by your posting here it can give some kind of small comfort. People here will listen and people here do care. Thought about you today. What you and your loved ones are facing. Here at least you can speak pretty much what is on your mind and your heart. No one will judge. Take care.
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Sorry he had IBS that led to his decision, it's a difficult condition to live with. Can't imagine being in constant pain. He sounds like an extraordinary person.

    Being a great mom that accepted your son no matter what is the best gift you ever given him.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i too hope for YOU that you can get some grief councelling I have IBS so know that pain and fear of going anywhere i cannot believe his dam doctors could not help him
    I am sorry also that the ignorant people where you live are so dam closed minded and backwards in their believes Your son' was a wonderful caring person and did not let those people bring him down he lived his life despite them. You hun find a way to commemorate your son keep his memory alive ok through you. I am glad you are reaching out here and just talking
    people care here hun hugs
  12. ToughItOut

    ToughItOut Member

    Indeed, as do I.

    The futility of getting up every day to a life that I don't want to live is too much.
  13. Chloeinoz

    Chloeinoz Banned Member

    Hi firstly I'm sorry for your loss, your son sounds like an amazing person and I wish he had come here before he made his decision to leave this life.
    It's very hard to live with chronic illness, they ruin your life and take everything away and I'm sure that's how your son must have felt, just know he would have been so torn wanting to end his own suffering but knowing it would destroy you but obviously he felt his pain was too much.

    As for the bigots and small minded idiots pay no attention to them you're son is in heaven probably continuing the good work he did here on earth. Stick around there is a chat option you might like to use you're perspective in invaluable you're posts or chat may save lives. Thankyou Chloe
  14. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    First off, I have to say, don't let any ignorant opinions get you down. They don't know your son, and you know that he was a great and caring person, so that is all that matters. I am so sorry for your loss, I have gone through losing someone this way so I know how hard it can be to cope. But we are here to support you and help you through this :hug:
  15. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    So sorry to read of your dreadful loss. From what you have written, it is clear that your son was a truly remarkable man who made his life so full of progress, only to be cruelly struck down with a debilitating illness. I'm sure he deliberated a great deal before making his decision, but maybe he felt that he wanted to protect you. Maybe he wanted to give you some peace of mind by not suffering any longer.

    It is to me deeply shocking that there still exists pockets of homophobia, who, even at this dreadful time cannot keep their tongues still and bury their warped beliefs. Rest assured, they are in a tiny minority and if they are wise, will keep their prejudice within the small town if they really cannot bring themselves do adopt a more compassionate attitude. We normal people do not want their poisoned minds to stray further than their own front doors.
  16. laureen

    laureen Member

    thank you all so much, your words are so kind. I just feel so guilty that I didn't see it in his eyes that day. But I guess as one of you said, he must have made up his mind and the pain was taking over and he just had "enough".
    I wish I could just hold his hand one more time and just talk to him, tell him that he is the best son I could ever have hoped for. So wherever you are Vincent, I hope you can look down on this earth and see that everyone misses you so much...
    He used to tell me "Mum I don't care if they don't like me, I know you love me" ... this all is too much, I never thought I'd leave this world after my son did.
  17. laureen

    laureen Member

    as hard as it sounds I think that is the reason. He didn't want to be a burden anymore. Which he wasn't at all, but the pain was just too much for him.
  18. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am so very sorry for your loss Laureen. Cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is for you right now but just know you are not alone in this. Hugs :hug:
    I also see you have received lots of support in this thread which is brilliant...we'll see you through this hun however hard that may be.
  19. laureen

    laureen Member

    he went to so many doctors and none really helped. Just some pills and diet plans, but nothing really helped. it was so frustrating... because its a "silent illness" - nobody really knows what it is like unless you have it. I wish you all the best! I can only imagine how hard it is to live with IBS. thank you for your kind words
  20. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Laureen- It was thought I had IBS but my pain was much more intense, since then they have told me I have inflammatory bowel disease and to be honest I've actually lost faith that this pain will ever fully go away. I am going to see a private doctor soon because the public services aren't good enough right now for my condition. Along the way they found I had a cortisol deficiency (stress hormone) and I'm on steroids for that, perhaps he was given an incorrect dx maybe not. But I will never trust just 1 doctors word if I'm not in full agreement. They also found other things abnormal. None of these illnesses should be underestimated. I am VERY sorry he suffered so much, SOMETIMES I think my family wouldn't have to put with me as much as they do if I were gone as its very debilitating being in this such intense pain all the time. I'm happy to tell you I'm not suicidal. I do take painkillers but they don't ease the pain 100 percent.

    May he rest in peace.
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