hey there everyone! i'm new to this site and don't even know if it's really popular or if anyone is reading this anything... but I guess I'm just gonna say whats on my heart. about 2 weeks ago my beloved 27y old son left this world by his own choice... I'm just gonna say a few things about him. He was born as the middle child and when he was about 10years old we kind of had a feeling he would be gay (he came out at 16). Which was lets say a bit of a "shock" but not so much him being gay as much as I was so worried since we live in a small town and people around us are quite homophobic. But I was confident he will be fine and he was. He graduated, moved to Milan,Italy to do his university degree in industrial Design, than moved to London, Germany than New York (he came home twice a year) but I saw him so happy and he had grown up into this beautiful man. Perfect looks, perfect face just handsome. He was so kind, helping at different organizations, tutoring in languages (he spoke English, Italian, French and German all as if they were his mother tongs) and so sensible ... which looking back was fatal. than recently he was diagnosed with IBS, lost so much weight (he already was skinny to begin with) went from doctor to doctor, exams after exams and than he started saying his constant pain will cost him his job. Which it did, he was constantly in need of a bathroom and was in so much pain 24/7 and this lead to a severe depression. I feel so guilty.... I saw my boy suffering and I couldn't help him. I couldn't take his pain away. He lost his amazing job which allowed him to travel the world, lost his partner whom I adore and ended up laying in bed all day and cry. Pills didn't really work, diets didn't either. There was nothing I could do. And than the day arrived, we were awoken by a police call. He <mod edit - methods>. I am in tears and yet numb while I'm writing this. I feel so guilty and feel like I died with him. The letter addressed to me explains how sorry he is and how he doesn't want me to cry and be sad, because he is finally free of all this pain. And since this small town is very anti gay I had encounters with people telling me he is better of this way, it's God way of punishing homosexuality, that he was a sinner and this want meant to happen. This saddens me so much, because they are telling me he was a "bad person" which he wasn't at all. He was the kindest person ever. I find myself waking up at night looking at my phone, hoping to see a txt from him or waiting for him to knock on the door because I don't want to face the fact that he left this world. so here is my story... as I said I don't know if anyone reads it and I don't want to be a burden on anyone.