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He made me like this

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by nightnurse, Jul 9, 2007.

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  1. nightnurse

    nightnurse New Member

    Hello, I am new here. Didn't know there was something like this out there to help people like me. So, ok - my story........ I'm 26 years old, a nurse in the north of England. I have been living with someone for 6 years now and sometimes it's been great but mostly it's been very bad. When we first met I was 20 and really happy, and I thought he was as well. But as time went on he showed himself to have some serious anger management issues and he has hit me on and off for about 5 years now, but you don't leave someone you love do you? I have treid to anyway but it never works out. He used to lived in a psychiatric hospital for a time when he was a teenager but discharged himself without treatment.

    So looking back over the years I can see that one by one he's taken all my friends away from me, he's spent all our money on selfish things for himself and the breaking point came for me when I had to arrange my own proposal, engagment ring and even book the trip. Does this sound stupid to poeple? I feel like I have finally realised that he doesn't give a toss about me at all, and he just cares that I'm overweight and ugly. It really was a breaking point - like I can't take it anymore. I want to die so bad it's all I can think about. Just to be free of having to look at this person I'm bound to spend the rest of my life with, God I'm physically gagging just writing this down.

    The worst thing is that he has made me tell all my friends and family that he arranged this amazing trip and ring and it honestly burns whenever people say congratulations. I want to pull my eyes and ears out and stay in a dark box where no one can see me or speak to me ever again. I feel so unloved and just so very dark. I scream all the time now, inside and out and I feel like I've bcecome mentally ill over this. There is no way out at all. He will never let me leave him alive. I hate this person who has spent 6 years making me feel like crap.

    I don't need people to reply, just helps writing it down, feel like I'm telling all those people I should be telling, you know? I am a nurse, if a patient of mine was ever like this I would do everything I could to help her, why can't I help myself? It's not just the violence, I think the emotional abuse and financial abuse has been worse and it's taken a long time for me to get to this point. I bet this sounds so selfish to say that I have a big ring and an amazing proposal trip - but the point is that if I was loved at all he would have done this himself and not asked me to arrange it all. I have literally got nothing, all the money goes on stuff for him. To go on I felt I needed one last gesture to show that he really did give a monkeys about me. But no.

    I have ways in mind to kill myself but I know this is a pro-life forum (I couldn't find the other kind) so I will keep them to myself. It won't be very long now. He knows exactly how I feel and just keeps saying he'll do something in 2 years or so to make it better. In 2 years I will be dust. It won't matter then, but it would have mattered now. In 2 years I will have had many more bruises. He hit me today after I told him how I felt. He expects me to get over it.

    I know I am depressed but I can't ask for help because I will lose my job and career. Depressed suicidal nurses don't do too well if you know what I mean? Thanks for listening.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Hi nightnurse.

    Your hubby sounds like he's very unstable and confused. maybe he shuld go back and see a professional again. I can only imagine how tough this is on you. But it sounds like your a fighter....so don't give up ok? If you tuly feel as if he doesn't love you then you need to discuss this with him and take things from there.

    All the best.
  3. nightnurse

    nightnurse New Member

    Engagement was only 8 weeks ago, not married yet. I guess I have that to look forward to. Not.

    Thanks for replying Mystic Eyes. First time I've ever told anyone.
  4. Eu Plon Ka

    Eu Plon Ka Member

    I am by no means an expert on any of this. I loath doing research on ... much of anything.

    I do know it is good to get things out, so good on you for that :biggrin:

    I do know that change is scary. From what you have written it seems like you feel the same way. Just keep in mind it can also be a relief.
  5. nightnurse

    nightnurse New Member

    Change is impossible at this point. He will not allow me to leave. I can never be happy. Only one way out.
  6. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Thats ok. Like Eu Plon Ka said, talking about this can help since it gets things of your shoulders.

    No matter what, don't give up ok.
  7. nightnurse

    nightnurse New Member

    Thank you. I have to go now because I can hear him getting up. Thank you everyone. Bye.
  8. Eu Plon Ka

    Eu Plon Ka Member

    You are right.

    Most places only have one front door. The window is usually not the best way to leave either.

    Your situation is not a laughing matter. Humor is one of the things that helps me. :laugh:

    There are plenty of people that do want to see you happy. It is going to take your strength to ask them for help. You have that strength, and have already shown it to us.
  9. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome to Sf, thank you for telling us about your life, I realise it was very diffcult to do.
    The thing that stands out for me is the fact that you are not yet married..... you do not have to go through with it, I guess you will think you have no choice because in an abusive relationship that is what you are made to believe. But you do have a choice, he only has control for as long as you allow him to.
    I'm not saying leaving would be easy but believe me neither is staying.
    I am glad you have found Sf and I hope we will be able to support you whatever you decide.
    If you would like to chat please pm me.

    Take care Hazel
  10. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


    Right contact a battered wives centre pronto..you do not have to be married for them to help you.
    secondly, I was a nurse..if you are depressed and having a bad time go see your number 7/matron..they are very supportive of nurses cos they can't afford to lose them.
    Next time he threatens or hits you..call the police.
    GET OUT NOW!!! :hug:
  11. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    *agrees with Terry. Get out of this relationsship before its too late. Good luck hun :hug:
  12. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Also agrees with Terry - GET OUT NOW BEFORE HE DESTROYS YOU. You DO have a choice - get rid of him. Leave the relationship. What are you really losing? Please get out now before there's nothing left to lose.

    been there, done that, finally got out.
  13. The situation isn't hopeless and you can get out - alive. Abusers will pull a real mind trip on us, and it takes time and help (preferably from domestic violence specialists) for us to learn better. The good news is that you haven't already married him - that brings with it its whole own set of problems. Your life can be much, much better than this. Take the chance and reach out for qualified help. I left my abuser 3 yrs. ago & have been divorced for 2 yrs.; I know what I'm talking about. My one mistake was landing myself in a place where I really didn't have access to help for quite a while, and I've been trying to get through it on my own, but even so I could have talked to people at a crisis hotline & gotten some help. Now I live someplace where I can get some help (& finally discovered I could get it, even after this long), and I'm going to. What a relief!

    Please don't give up. Your life is too valuable and he's picked-at your brain enough that you can't necessarily trust the doubts you have about yourself or your ability to do without him. Believe me, this is one guy you'll be much happier without!
  14. Ignored

    Ignored Staff Alumni

    I agree with Terry. The police are much more sympathetic to domestic abuse cases than they used to be. You could go to a refuge or get an injunction out against him and make him move out. There are things that you can do if you believe that you are worth the effort.... hard I know, after years of abuse.
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