Hello, I am new here. Didn't know there was something like this out there to help people like me. So, ok - my story........ I'm 26 years old, a nurse in the north of England. I have been living with someone for 6 years now and sometimes it's been great but mostly it's been very bad. When we first met I was 20 and really happy, and I thought he was as well. But as time went on he showed himself to have some serious anger management issues and he has hit me on and off for about 5 years now, but you don't leave someone you love do you? I have treid to anyway but it never works out. He used to lived in a psychiatric hospital for a time when he was a teenager but discharged himself without treatment. So looking back over the years I can see that one by one he's taken all my friends away from me, he's spent all our money on selfish things for himself and the breaking point came for me when I had to arrange my own proposal, engagment ring and even book the trip. Does this sound stupid to poeple? I feel like I have finally realised that he doesn't give a toss about me at all, and he just cares that I'm overweight and ugly. It really was a breaking point - like I can't take it anymore. I want to die so bad it's all I can think about. Just to be free of having to look at this person I'm bound to spend the rest of my life with, God I'm physically gagging just writing this down. The worst thing is that he has made me tell all my friends and family that he arranged this amazing trip and ring and it honestly burns whenever people say congratulations. I want to pull my eyes and ears out and stay in a dark box where no one can see me or speak to me ever again. I feel so unloved and just so very dark. I scream all the time now, inside and out and I feel like I've bcecome mentally ill over this. There is no way out at all. He will never let me leave him alive. I hate this person who has spent 6 years making me feel like crap. I don't need people to reply, just helps writing it down, feel like I'm telling all those people I should be telling, you know? I am a nurse, if a patient of mine was ever like this I would do everything I could to help her, why can't I help myself? It's not just the violence, I think the emotional abuse and financial abuse has been worse and it's taken a long time for me to get to this point. I bet this sounds so selfish to say that I have a big ring and an amazing proposal trip - but the point is that if I was loved at all he would have done this himself and not asked me to arrange it all. I have literally got nothing, all the money goes on stuff for him. To go on I felt I needed one last gesture to show that he really did give a monkeys about me. But no. I have ways in mind to kill myself but I know this is a pro-life forum (I couldn't find the other kind) so I will keep them to myself. It won't be very long now. He knows exactly how I feel and just keeps saying he'll do something in 2 years or so to make it better. In 2 years I will be dust. It won't matter then, but it would have mattered now. In 2 years I will have had many more bruises. He hit me today after I told him how I felt. He expects me to get over it. I know I am depressed but I can't ask for help because I will lose my job and career. Depressed suicidal nurses don't do too well if you know what I mean? Thanks for listening.