He says he wants to hurt me...

[muv_ur_dolly]

Hello everyone,

I'm looking for advice and I'm not sure where ekse to turn to...So if this is inappropriate I'm sorry!

The story is...

I have a boyfriend...We've been in a relationship for over two years now. Within that last few months things have been really stressful with should - we're both trying to get a degree - and when ever he gets upset he explodes with anger and threatens to hit/slap/punch me. It scared me at first, and still does now but should I be? Should I just blame it on stress because that is the only time he's like this?...I really don't know what to make of it....He's a good guy, most of the time...

Thanks,
~Muv_Ur_Dolly

 

[justMe7]

Nah, never.. ever no matter who it is, is that acceptable. He does need to sort his stress or frustration out, because.. of loads of reasons. I suppose since youre asking, you might be letting your feelings for him get in the way of how the situation is.

That's the beginning of bad news. For starters, if you let him get away with saying that once, he knows that if he ever feels like "that" again, he can be that way with you. That's the beginning of a foundation for a sevre number of bad things. One of the worst, he starts to need to release more, and he'll take it out on you. Sometimes words wouldnt be enough, maybe he'll need to throw something in your general area. Maybe he'll start punching the wall. Maybe he'll push.. Things like that get worse. It's in truth a lack of control on his part. he doesn't know how to deal with how he is feeling inside, and is "releasing". But he's not understanding. the problem is, if he doesn't address why he's feeling like that, and finds new ways of dealing with it calmly, or by himself, he'll let it grow.

Granted it can be just a simple thing, but you have to truly remember that even though you are in a relationship, you are still yourself. That means, no one has the right to threaten you, in anyway shape or form.

Don't make excuses for him. I'm not entirely sure what to do with that. He's got a problem, and he needs to see that first. How you talk to him or get him to approach the subject, I'm not too sure. I just know what not to do more or less. I wouldn't be scared, I would try to re-affirm who you are, and make him know that expression is unacceptable no matter what. But the way you do that is important. I hope somoene else can give you a suggestion. You'll probably get anger managment suggestions or talking to him in a calm controlled environment. ..idk. Just be safe

 

[In a Lonely Place]

Hi danielle,i'd say that you need to talk about this issue at a happy time and see how he takes it when you tell him your afraid when his anger gets the better of him. If he is upset that you feel this way then its a good sign and you could discuss him seeing someone about his tantrums.If he gets angry and defensive and refuses to discuss it then its your call really but i'd hope you would ditch him if he does ever lay a hand on you in anger.My mother was in an abusive relationship with an excuse of a man for six~seven years and suffered multiple beatings but still she believed she loved him and he wasnt all bad.Me being on the outside saw it way differently and watched her looks,self esteem dissapearing.I'm not trying to scare you but just hope you will do the right thing should things go down that road. Hope some bits of this may be helpfull in some small way

 

[Terry]

Have to agree with SBlake, this is a slippery slope.
Today its threats, tomorrow its a black eye.
Either you lay down the law or get out.
This is not just going to go away

 

[Belladonna]

My reaction may be extreme to some, but even these verbal threat constitute abuse. My fear is that if he loses enough control to want AND verbalize wanting to physically abuse you, he's a stone's throw away from losing more control and acting on it. These impulses and reations to stress don't magically appear. They grow and are nurtured if the person doesn't get help.

I also think like SBlake where he is testing your limits and what you'll let him get away with.

This treatment is unacceptable and immoral.

 

[crystalclear]

There is no excuse for physically threatening someone. It could be just threats but it can become worse. Your bf may be a good guy but what happens when his anger gets the best of him? I think you and your bf should talk this through because serious abuse starts from threats.

 

[That one guy]

it would be best to try and see were his anger is comeing from and try your best to help fix it.
Untill them i think its best of you try to keep a low key and stay safe. s*

 

[Firelord]

My advice would be to cut and run. There is no reason for him to treat you like the way he is and if he really is threatening to hurt you then he's not a good guy. Don't buy into the bull shit that he's "damaged" or "needs to be fixed". I am a vicious son of a bitch, with a mean streak a mile long and a dark temper that comes from years of physical abuse and you know what? I've never raised my hand to a woman, or threatened her with harm. The guy is most likely threatening you to make himself feel big, just like any other bully. If you have any friends you can trust, I'd recommend talking to them about it and letting people close to you know what is going on in case he tries anything, cause there's a good chance he will. Make sure you have something in the house that can help you deter him if he gets violent, like a knife or a weapon of some sort. That may sound a little extreme, but there are a lot of women out there that if they could, would go back in time and follow this exact advice.