I don't know if this thread belongs here, so if it doesn't, please feel free to move it to the right board.
It's not me having the suicidal thoughts, it's my boyfriend. But it's affecting me in a way that it really doesn't make much difference.
Please, if you can, see if you can offer any advice. I'm not sure if this is the best place to ask for advice, but I'm desperate right now.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We're each other's first love, thus we got together quite early. We had a very strong bond, we started off as very good friends but then grew into a couple. I could talk to him about everything, he would talk to me about anything. We both grew up in a family that didn't treat us right. I would often call him crying, saying that I want to run away, because my mother was hitting me, mentally and emotionally abusing me. He would always say ''Hang in there, we'll get away from all that soon enough. It'll be okay''. We're in a long distance relationship.
I loved him, and I wanted to finally be able to live up to our dreams of living together in the future, so I made myself go through every hardship life had to offer me. His parents were being abusing towards him too, not as much as mother was, but enough for him to feel desperate and want to get away as soon as possible as well.
We cherised every moment we got to spend together, made plans for the future, tried to make positive thoughts.
It's later that things started to get worse. I met a guy in my school, who happened to share the same interests as me, and we became friends. Of course, I told my boyfriend, and even though he seemed okay with it at first, he admited he was depressed by the thought of me spending time with another guy. He constantly went on about how much he hated my friend, even wished for him to die at some point, because he thought he was taking me away from him. One day, my friend confessed that he had feelings from me even before we became friends. When he said that, I was both scared and clueless as to what to say or do. My boyfriend's jealously had reached a dangerous point and at the same time I felt as if I had feelings for my friend as well. I kept telling myself that what I might feel for my friend isn't true, and that I really and truly love my boyfriend just like I used to. I dennied the fact that my heart was telling otherwise.
When my boyfriend learned about my friend having feelings for me, he got paranoid, extremely depressed and suicidal. At that time he was far so we could only talk through the internet. He started threatening to kill himself if I keep spending time with that guy. I cared for him, and I didn't want him to die, so I stopped contacting or talking to my friend, after having send a long e-mail to apologize and expalin everything to him. It killed me inside to do this, he was my best friend, but I kept telling myself that I needed to help my boyfriend.
My boyfriend was once again happy, he even started making a lot of things for me, wrote me a song, finished his novel and dedicated it to me. One day, I learned that my best friend's mother had passed away. Without thinking, I went to the funeral to support my best friend, even if I hadn't talked to him in months. I didn't tell my boyfriend, I knew what would happen if I did. I started spending some time with my best friend again. I had no one else to talk to about my boyfriend's behaviour, and he was the only one who understood me.
One evening, I had an argument with my boyfriend, who was threatening suicide again. He said he wanted to feel loved by me again. I did everything possible to make him feel loved. It wasn't enough. He said the things he usually would say, that I'm all he lives for, that he loves me more than everything and that he would give up his life for me. He thanked me for being with him and begged me not to ever leave him. Knowing his situation, I somewhat forced myself to tell him that I won't leave him. He then said if I'll always love him, and with tears in my eyes, I said ''Yes''.
I regret it so much. I afterwards went to my best friend's house because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt like I had huge weight on my shoulders, I couldn't deal with it alone. My best friend was there to talk to, while my boyfriend was miles away at that moment and I just needed a hug and for someone to tell me it would be okay. I had no one else. We spent all the evening talking, he hugged me and told me it would all be okay. At some point, I felt so desperate I fell down crying. He had to help me up and tried to calm down. I was crying so much I could hardly breathe. Then, as he held me, he kissed me. He apologized immediately, but I was so shocked and confused, I rapidly turned and left. I decided I wasn't ever going to talk to him again.
When I got home, I went and cut myself as if to punish myself. When my boyfriend called, I made myself talk like everything is alright. Before we hanged up, he said that he loves me and that he's nothing without me. He once again thanked me for being with him because he would die without me. He told me about his suicidal thoughts once again, and to calm him down I ocne again forced myself to tell him that I'll always be with him, and not to worry. That I was going to take care of him.
I didn't feel the same towards him anymore. Everyday, I was forcing myself to tell him that I do, because I knew what would happen if I didn't. I cared about him, but I didn't have feelings for him anymore. I felt trapped.
Recently, I couldn't take it anymore. I made myself tell him that I just don't feel the same way anymore. I had dreams other than just making sure I get to live with him, and I suffered from all the pressure he had been putting me through. I didn't have time to even care about myself, let alone my dreams. I ended up failing 2 classes because I kept staying up to talk to him on the phone, trying to talk him out of his suicidal thoughts. I was sleep deprived, felt sick and tired. When I eventually let some part of it out, he hanged up. I kept trying to call him afterwards, scared that he might commit suicide. He had turned off his phone. I called his parents, I called a friend of his, they couldn't reach him. The next morning I got a call. He had attempted suicide and was in the hospital.
I went to see him, I apologized over and over again, said I would stay with him. They let him out of the hospital one week after, and we were back together. We still are.
I don't love him anymore. I love him as a friend, very much, but as nothing more. I care about him a lot, and that's why I'm staying with him. I don't want him to die. In a way, I'm giving up my life and dreams for him to live. I feel horribly guilty and trapped. I want to break up with him, but I can't, because he'll try to kill himself again. I just don't know what I'll do. I've even been thinking of killing myself to escape all this, before watching him die because of me. I won't be able to live knowing he has commited sucide because of me. Never.
Please...If someone can help, anyone? I don't know what to think or what to do anymore...
It's not me having the suicidal thoughts, it's my boyfriend. But it's affecting me in a way that it really doesn't make much difference.
Please, if you can, see if you can offer any advice. I'm not sure if this is the best place to ask for advice, but I'm desperate right now.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. We're each other's first love, thus we got together quite early. We had a very strong bond, we started off as very good friends but then grew into a couple. I could talk to him about everything, he would talk to me about anything. We both grew up in a family that didn't treat us right. I would often call him crying, saying that I want to run away, because my mother was hitting me, mentally and emotionally abusing me. He would always say ''Hang in there, we'll get away from all that soon enough. It'll be okay''. We're in a long distance relationship.
I loved him, and I wanted to finally be able to live up to our dreams of living together in the future, so I made myself go through every hardship life had to offer me. His parents were being abusing towards him too, not as much as mother was, but enough for him to feel desperate and want to get away as soon as possible as well.
We cherised every moment we got to spend together, made plans for the future, tried to make positive thoughts.
It's later that things started to get worse. I met a guy in my school, who happened to share the same interests as me, and we became friends. Of course, I told my boyfriend, and even though he seemed okay with it at first, he admited he was depressed by the thought of me spending time with another guy. He constantly went on about how much he hated my friend, even wished for him to die at some point, because he thought he was taking me away from him. One day, my friend confessed that he had feelings from me even before we became friends. When he said that, I was both scared and clueless as to what to say or do. My boyfriend's jealously had reached a dangerous point and at the same time I felt as if I had feelings for my friend as well. I kept telling myself that what I might feel for my friend isn't true, and that I really and truly love my boyfriend just like I used to. I dennied the fact that my heart was telling otherwise.
When my boyfriend learned about my friend having feelings for me, he got paranoid, extremely depressed and suicidal. At that time he was far so we could only talk through the internet. He started threatening to kill himself if I keep spending time with that guy. I cared for him, and I didn't want him to die, so I stopped contacting or talking to my friend, after having send a long e-mail to apologize and expalin everything to him. It killed me inside to do this, he was my best friend, but I kept telling myself that I needed to help my boyfriend.
My boyfriend was once again happy, he even started making a lot of things for me, wrote me a song, finished his novel and dedicated it to me. One day, I learned that my best friend's mother had passed away. Without thinking, I went to the funeral to support my best friend, even if I hadn't talked to him in months. I didn't tell my boyfriend, I knew what would happen if I did. I started spending some time with my best friend again. I had no one else to talk to about my boyfriend's behaviour, and he was the only one who understood me.
One evening, I had an argument with my boyfriend, who was threatening suicide again. He said he wanted to feel loved by me again. I did everything possible to make him feel loved. It wasn't enough. He said the things he usually would say, that I'm all he lives for, that he loves me more than everything and that he would give up his life for me. He thanked me for being with him and begged me not to ever leave him. Knowing his situation, I somewhat forced myself to tell him that I won't leave him. He then said if I'll always love him, and with tears in my eyes, I said ''Yes''.
I regret it so much. I afterwards went to my best friend's house because I couldn't take the pain anymore. I felt like I had huge weight on my shoulders, I couldn't deal with it alone. My best friend was there to talk to, while my boyfriend was miles away at that moment and I just needed a hug and for someone to tell me it would be okay. I had no one else. We spent all the evening talking, he hugged me and told me it would all be okay. At some point, I felt so desperate I fell down crying. He had to help me up and tried to calm down. I was crying so much I could hardly breathe. Then, as he held me, he kissed me. He apologized immediately, but I was so shocked and confused, I rapidly turned and left. I decided I wasn't ever going to talk to him again.
When I got home, I went and cut myself as if to punish myself. When my boyfriend called, I made myself talk like everything is alright. Before we hanged up, he said that he loves me and that he's nothing without me. He once again thanked me for being with him because he would die without me. He told me about his suicidal thoughts once again, and to calm him down I ocne again forced myself to tell him that I'll always be with him, and not to worry. That I was going to take care of him.
I didn't feel the same towards him anymore. Everyday, I was forcing myself to tell him that I do, because I knew what would happen if I didn't. I cared about him, but I didn't have feelings for him anymore. I felt trapped.
Recently, I couldn't take it anymore. I made myself tell him that I just don't feel the same way anymore. I had dreams other than just making sure I get to live with him, and I suffered from all the pressure he had been putting me through. I didn't have time to even care about myself, let alone my dreams. I ended up failing 2 classes because I kept staying up to talk to him on the phone, trying to talk him out of his suicidal thoughts. I was sleep deprived, felt sick and tired. When I eventually let some part of it out, he hanged up. I kept trying to call him afterwards, scared that he might commit suicide. He had turned off his phone. I called his parents, I called a friend of his, they couldn't reach him. The next morning I got a call. He had attempted suicide and was in the hospital.
I went to see him, I apologized over and over again, said I would stay with him. They let him out of the hospital one week after, and we were back together. We still are.
I don't love him anymore. I love him as a friend, very much, but as nothing more. I care about him a lot, and that's why I'm staying with him. I don't want him to die. In a way, I'm giving up my life and dreams for him to live. I feel horribly guilty and trapped. I want to break up with him, but I can't, because he'll try to kill himself again. I just don't know what I'll do. I've even been thinking of killing myself to escape all this, before watching him die because of me. I won't be able to live knowing he has commited sucide because of me. Never.
Please...If someone can help, anyone? I don't know what to think or what to do anymore...
s*
