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He wants to move here

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by resistance, Apr 9, 2007.

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  1. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Eh, I don't know what to do. My boyfriend lives in England but now he's talking about moving down here to Wales to be with me and I don't know if I want that, but I don't know how to tell him.

    Things have been strained recently. He's going through a difficult patch right now and as a result has gone back on the antidepressants, if I leave him it will feel like I'm abandoning him. He literally saved my life back last year and we liked each other a lot and I've been telling him I love him and I thought I meant it but now I don't know. I mean, I thought I did, and maybe I did but things have changed and now I'm feeling really uncomfortable. It's going too fast for my liking.

    I told him the other day maybe it's best for him to stay around where he is, to get better, then move here. I also said what if things don't work out if he moves here? He will be alone, away from family etc and I don't want that to happen.

    I tried to tell him a few months ago but he said he wants "all or nothing". I tried to suggest we stay friends or calm things down but he sulked and he hanged the phone up on me. I now realise I can't be in a relationship like this, I can't handle it if he moves to be closer to me.

    If I'm to break up with him, he's told me he will break contact off with me totally. We can't be friends or anything. Why did I get myself into this situation?! :( I don't want to lose him as a friend, but if I end things, that's what will happen. I'm also worried he will attempt suicide because he has told me he wouldn't see a point to life if I wasn't there.

    I really don't know what to do. Too much pressure and I don't know what way to go about it. Any suggestions or advice is appreciated.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You need to be totally honest with him. If you find it difficult to talk, maybe write him a letter/e-mail. Often writing can be better because you can plan it and get everything that you want to say down, also you can choose your wording. And there is no risk of saying anything in the heat of the moment. You need to be honest for both your sake and his.

    Again, talk to this about him. Talk to him about how things have been strained, and how you feel about things. Remember that long distance relationships are hard, and communication is the key to keeping them successful.

    You need to tell him this too. Maybe you could literally show him the post. He needs to know if you feel it's moving too fast. You should feel happy and comfortable in a relationship and not uncomfortable. You should be in a relationship where you feel secure and if you are anxious about things moving too fast, then that probably doesn't feel secure.

    That's brilliant, well done you. That's a great step to take in your communication.

    Which is also very true, you are clearly thinking hard about both his feelings and yours.

    He might want all or nothing, but what about you want?

    If you can't be in the relationship you need to tell him. If you leave it a long time, he might come to resent you when he finds out. Also, you could suffer because of it. If you know you want out, then try and tell him in the kindest possible way.

    I might have got the wrong impression, but this sounds like he is manipulating you into staying in the relationship, either consciously or not. You might find that if you break up, and once he has moved on from it, that you and he can remain friends, or start a new platonic relationship on a different level. If he attempts suicide, then that is not your responsibility. He is in control. If you are worried, then you could always sort out crisis numbers and things for him and give them to him before you break up, so that you know you have ensured his safety and some support for him, it is then up to him what he does.

    Essentially you need to communicate with him, and be honest and true to yourself and him. There is no easy way out of this situation, all you can do is be honest.

    Hang in there and take care
  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Thank you for your reply. :hug:

    I have told him my thoughts about him moving down here. I said I'm worried it won't work out but he gets moody with me. I asked him, "are you not worried about that?" and he said "no, all I want to is to be with you", it's all well and good living in dreamland but sometimes we need to be realistic. There's a good chance down the road that things WON'T work out, relationships are never 100% sure to work but he is dismissing this.

    I think the email/letter is a good idea. I have been thinking to myself, "right, I'll say this when I chat to him later", but it never seems like the right moment, and if I do say something it comes out the wrong way, or, it comes out the right way, and he takes offense!

    I don't know what I want... one thing's for sure, I am feeling uncomfortable in the relationship. I think is we calm things down, and if we go back to more like friends for a bit then that will be easier, but I KNOW he won't do that. I've suggested it before. The last thing I want is to lose contact with him. Ugh, I don't know. I'll e-mail him later.

    Thanks again for replying. :hug:
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You have to almost ignore his childish strops and ensure that he understands what you are saying. Probably he is used to stropping and getting his own way, so you need to be assertive about how you feel and what you think.

    Ultimately though if he does move down and it ends, you will know that you did everything you could to dissuade him from coming.

    I hope the e-mail goes well. Maybe you can decide from there what to do and say next.

    Hang in there
  5. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    I think you may be one of the only things keeping him alive.
  6. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I totally agree with Scum, hun.. :hug:
  7. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I have e-mailled him, and I will hear what he has to say tomorrow. Zohmygob, I don't know how your post was meant to help but thanks for replying anyway.
  8. Smythe

    Smythe Well-Known Member

    Pleasant situation :sad: Hope it goes well for the both of you, good luck.
  9. AlwaysRain

    AlwaysRain Active Member

    I know exactly what you feel.
    My boyfriend is going to do the same and I'm not sure.
    I know it will be challenging because of all that money thing, life together and so on.
    And I a kinda started to pick small fights to try him what he will do or how important I am for him and so on.
    My advise, give yourself some time. When exactly is he going to move? Probably by that time you will get used to think that things are changing and he's moving to you. Maybe he'll change his mind by that time. Maybe you will.
  10. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You did the right thing in sending the e-mail res. Now you must wait for his reply. The relationship can't work out if either of you are uncomfortable with things at the time. Communication is the key. If he can't accept your feelings, then maybe the time has come to move on. You musn't allow him to control or manipulate you into staying with him. It will only lead to problems further on down the road. I wish you both luck and understanding as you work through this. Listen to what each other has to say. :hug:
  11. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Hun, I think you did the right thing, sometimes honesty isn't the easiest thing when friendships are at stake or there are complications.. not saying you haven't told the truth, just didn't say everything you felt, and I've been there it's hard. But in the end we have to help ourselves, we can be our best friend or worst enemy... Which is hard when you feel badly about yourself... But.. you've helped peeople and him and etc.. you deserve support and help from/for yourself as you've given to ithers over and over. Take care of yourself sweetheart.... :hug: :flowers:

    We're here for you hun. :)
  12. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey Res,

    I wonder how you're feeling today and if his respond to your email was ok? Does he understand?

    Sending you big hugs :arms:
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    hey, well done for e-mailing.

    Let us know how it went, if you can/want to.

    Hope you're ok.

    Here if you need me.

    Not talking in sentences.

    Not sure why.

    Hang in there and take care :hug:
  14. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    For God's sake, I can't take this anymore. :(

    I've just spoken to him, and he said he understands what I said in the email, but if he stays where he is now it'll kill him.


    What the heck do I do??????????

    Seriously, this is totally fucking me off and I can't take much more of this... I want to hurt myself. :( This is so hard. I feel so torn. I don't know what to do.
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Honey, there are plenty of other places that he can move to. It doesn't have to be near you. If he wants to move away from where he is, then he can move anywhere. But if he cares for you at all he will respect what you said and not come to you.

    Not sure how old he is, but someone like connexions helps 13-19 year olds with problems, and one of those is housing. Maybe he could contact them for advice about it. The connexions direct website has a one to one talking thing online, so maybe he could try that.

    Please try not to hurt yourself over this, it is not worth it.

    Hang in there
  16. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    It's my fault for "leading him on" onto thinking we will be together, but I did think we will be together and now I don't know. I do care about him, I care about him A LOT and if he ends up killing himself I will never forgive myself. It is such a difficult situation.

    I know he can move anywhere, but he has anxiety issues and depression and finds it hard to socialise. That's why I said in the first place if he moved down here and things won't work out, he'd be alone (unless his anxiety got better obviously).

    I don't know. I need to think. But I've been thinking nothing else but this for the past week or so and still haven't come up with anything. *sighs* We will be talking again at around 11pm (3 hours), so maybe, just MAYBE we can sort this out. I shouldn't have let it get this far.
  17. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It is NOT your fault. You did not lead him on, you told him the truth at the time. Truths can change with time, but that happens in life. When people get married they say 'until death do us part', but many people get divorced. That does not mean that they led their spouse on, it means that circumstances change.

    You need to figure out what you want. Yes, he may have all those issues, but that does not give him the right to manipulate you, like he is doing. He seems to be using his illness and the threat of death to make you do what he wants.

    My aunt used to say to my nan 'If............. then I will kill myself' (the dots being something random like 'come round now') so she was manipulating my nan into being where she wanted when, using the thread of death to make her go there. Is that right? No, I don't think so, and it's not right what your boyfriend is doing either.

    I hope that thinking helps you honey. I'm sorry he has put you in such a difficult situation, hang in there and remember to think about your needs and wants first.
  18. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I can't really add anything to what "Scum" has said. I completely agree with her.

    Please hang in there, hun :hug:

    I hope things will be resolved soon :arms:
  19. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    heck, that's not an easy one, having not been in a relationship myself yet despite my older age, I'm perhaps not best placed to offer advice, although I know someone and I think she likes me but a bit uncertain of what will or might happen at the moment.

    From a guy's perspective, and being quite shy and having been through a lot, I can understand that if he has strong feelings for you, it could be really hard for him if things don't work out, you will know this. This obviously leaves you a bit torn. And guys may find it hard to understand a girl's point of view and the way she feels (heck I know I do!)

    I'd probably be better placed to offer advice if I were female, but it looks like other people have already offered some good advice. I know I have felt led on in the past and it wasn't nice, but like you said you did think you would be together, but people do change their mind and circumstances change, love is a strong emotion though so people can get hurt if their desires and feelings for someone are thwarted. Don't feel guilty about 'leading him on', because it doesn't seem like it was your intention.

    How about him? Does he have much of a support network? Friends that can help? Honey, no-one deserves to end up in a situation like this. I really do feel for you. I don't know whether there are any other internet sites that can help you (and possibly him) in a situation like this. I'd be tempted to google and see if I could find anything.

    Hang in there mate, I'd love to offer some kind of support but being a 32 year old guy I'm probably not the best person, but please try and get support if you need it from some others here.

    Even if this doesn't help you at all I genuinely wish for yours and his well being.
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