He was supposed to be my best friend

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by A_pixie, Mar 2, 2010.

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  1. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    This happened to me two years ago and I have only just acknowledged it happened.

    We grew up together, we ruthlessly loyal to each other, we made some good memories - all I have to try to forget because of what he did to me that night.

    We got drunk together loads of times and nothing happend. Except that night. We had to leave the pub and ended up getting drunk in the park "like when we were kids" it was nothing like that as I woke up from passing out drunk to find him having sex with me. I was so drunk I couldn't do much about it and when I started realising what was happening I tried to get up and he knocked me down. I tried to convince myself for years it was just drunken stupidity on my part....that I had consented...so why did he hit me then? Why use force if it was consensual??

    I had just come off of prozac and when I confronted him about the incident he told me I had imagined the whole thing as I "wasn't on medication" - he played the mental illness card. Prozac withdrawl does not cause hallucinations I looked into it.

    I saw him and his mother in town after that - he looked scared. He knew I wanted to tell her.

    Two years later and I finally ackowledge what happened to me.

    He was supposed to be my best friend this wasn't supposed to happen.

    People know something bad must have happened as we went from being insepearable to hating each other all of a sudden. How do you go from being childhood best friends to wanting to kill each other, they asked me.

    I miss who he used to be but I know he's gone. The old Finn never could have done this to me. And now...I just don't know where to go from here.
  2. Landlocked blues

    Landlocked blues Well-Known Member

    i am truly, truly sorry for what happened that night. not only were you abused but you lost your best friend. i wish there was something i could say to take the pain away, i really do.

    have you ever told anyone about this? maybe looked into some groups?

    keep talking :smile:
  3. TBear

    TBear Antiquities Friend

    OMG - I am so sorry!!!

    You need someone there for you as you deal with this...

    Keep posting, writing, find a friend or counselor - don't deal with it alone.

  4. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    It's been a few days since I told my parents, I've been a bit panicky ever since it's almost like I've spoken about it now so it's real if that makes sense. I couldn't get the bus home I felt too jittery to travel home and wanted my Dad to pick me up which thankfully he did.

    I don't know what to do I'm looking into councelling but my doctor was not very sympathetic at all she said they would "maybe" see me soon I mean wtf!!!!! That was it! No questions, no saying I was not at fault, she just said "Ok, not sure if they'll see you" in the coldest manner I have ever seen and then had the cheek to give me a booklet about contraception!!!!! Stupid cow... :mad:

    I've got exams coming up as well that adds to the stress I'm trying hard to concentrate but I bloody can't and not only that I'm stuck with total idiots to do my coursework all while trying to recover from being raped by my best friend is going on in my head I'm not sure how much I can fucking take to be honest!!
  5. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    That's just wrong...
    You should look up a number for a rape victim's support group; as there should be a women's group in most towns.
    Now that you've realized this- you must talk about it and find some level of peace because it's not just going to go away.

    I hope that you can find someone to talk to and get your thoughts sorted out.
  6. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    That's the thing, it's not going to go away easily so much reminds me of him it makes me sick that we grew up together and after all that time my body meant fucking nothing to him!!!

    I've had two years to avoid it in my head and now I feel a mixture of feeling sick with it and numbness.

    I don't know what to feel or where to go from here my world has been turned on it's head.
  7. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry this happened to you. People make me sick. >_< :hug:
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    This probably isn't the thread for it, but I'm glad to hear you're still alive.
  9. A_pixie

    A_pixie Well-Known Member

    Thank you.... I didn't mean to disappear on you my head messed me up.
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