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Head is a mess.

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So i've been an inpatient for the last 9 and a half weeks. I still am but I am on home leave at the moment.

The hospital has really helped me, i think. At times, yes I hate it. At times, yes it does make me worse, but if i look at the overall experience then it has helped. I would have been dead by now if i wasn't admitted, and instead i've met some amazing people, i've managed to talk about things that i havent ever been able to and i havent cut in 9 and a half weeks (the longest i've gone since i started over 4 years ago.) I've still selfharmed in other manners, I've still hidden some things but I've achieved somethings that I did not expect.

As much as the place has helped, and as much as i dont feel so low all the time, I still want to die. I dont think anything will ever stop me...I've felt happier for the majority of the last few weeks, but i still want to take my own life. Why you may ask? I mean i'm happy..right? Well I'm not entirely sure. I may be happy now, but i'd be kidding myself If I said it would last. Everyone has already said i'll be in and out of hospital for the rest of my life..Now what is the point of that? How can anyone live a life like that. I wanted to join the Army..and i fucked that up when i made that first cut... Thats another goal down the drain. I wanted to get more GCSE's than i did..But i fucked school up. I want to go to sixthform, but i'm apparently being unrealistic. What is there for me in this life really?

I believe that I could be the happiest person in the world, but I would still want to take my own life. Theres things about it that believe it or not, appeal to me. Why go through life not knowing when or how exactly i'm going to die, when i could quite easily control both of those things. Why go through life experiencing loss and suffering when I can put an end to it. It was said to me at hospital 'if you are determined to do something, in time you will achieve it'..Yes they didnt quite mean suicide, but i was determined to kill myself, and in time I will do it. It does not have to be any time soon, but over the years I will. I made up my mind many months ago that i would end it.

Is there anything holding me back? Yes. One particular staff member at the hospital has helped me more than any professional ever has before. I feel guilty considering killing myself when she has put in all that effort to keep me alive....Any other reasons? I dont want to hurt my family or friends...but I hurt them when I am alive anyway. I dont want to leave my dog behind, but if i dont she will leave me one day.


Rant over.

morning rush

Well-Known Member
[Everyone has already said i'll be in and out of hospital for the rest of my life]

doesn't mean its true...my psychiatrist told me I might never be able to work and yet I'm still trying to work...I'm going to keep trying until I get it right...even if its a few months, at least I can show that I can work for a while...

I can relate to the cutting, I used to be a cutter...

I don't see how you can't be in the army, unless your mental illness can't allow you...

I think you need to stop listening to others and follow your heart...no one knows what you can accomplish until you try...


Antiquities Friend
:hug: Lucy, I hope you get to feeling safe. I know how you feel. There will come a day where I make that choice too. I've been holding off buying my method. I feel that if I keep looking, I'll find a reason to live.

I have one thing, and that is friendship. Sometimes I wonder if that is enough.
Yeah Mental Illness disqualifies me from being in the army.

As you said..your psychiatrist said might..and its good that you are trying to work.

My heart is quite set on suicide also.

Jason, well done on holding off buying the method so far. :hug:
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