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Heading towards depression.

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#1
I am heading towards depression, I can feel it coming. Two different things are triggering it. One is my friend who asked me to put new drawer slides in his kitchen and wants me to pay for the slides, he says he can't afford them. It is about an hour drive to his place and I went there once to look at the situation and then I spent about a month of my spare time trying to find a slide that will work. THe first time I ordered a slide they billed me for a case of slides and overdrafted my bank account, costing me $38. I spent several hours getting the charge for the slides off my account but I could not do anything about the overdraft fee. When I finally had a slide I set a date and time to be at his house to see if it would work and nobody answered the door. It is an hour drive there and an hour back and costs me about $15 in gas money. I installed a slide last Saturday and it will work but I need to add some blocking to make it work so I have to go there again. I want to install one drawer slide so he can see how it works and if he is happy with it. I will have to order 4 more slides, costing me about $75 plus gas and time. If I don't do this he will be angry with me and no longer be my friend. In October I recieve 5 paychecks so my extra money will pay for the drawer slides. I have enough money to pay my bills and have some left over but this will put a strain on my budget. The other thing is a thread in Positive Feelings saying you should not drink alcohol. I went on the thread and posted that I drink and like it and a bunch of guys jumped on me assuming that I drive while drunk. There are two things in my life right now that make life worth living. One is my collection of Coleman Lanterns. I find lanterns and work on them and fix them up, cleaning and polishing and make them work. The other is my time with one of my roomates that has become a good friend. The best friend I ever had. We talk about everything from sex to politics and religion. We set out in the garage at a folding table when I get home from work and we both drink alcohol. He used to be an alcoholic, lost a $20 per hour job because of alcohol, his daughter was killed in an accident and he turned to alcohol, tried to kill himself with alcohol and broke his leg and survived it because of that. They took him to a hospital and took care of him and he survived. We both drink responsibly now, never drive drunk. THe guys in the thread are saying that if I drink alcohol I have a problem and know it I am just denying it. They are saying I am a terrible person for drinking and driving. These two things together are going to cause me to go into a deep depression for months, I am BiPolar, and there is no way around it. I have to buy $75 worth of drawers slides or my friend will hate me and I am a terrible person for drinking alcohol.
 

Sunspots

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
Hey Moses

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now. Bipolar is really tough, what kind of support are you getting? Meds? Therapy?

I hate to say it as friends are precious but this guy really doesn't sound like a friend. No friend could possibly expect that much of someone, especially if they know it will put them under financial and emotional stress. Please don't spend the little money you have at the end of the month on his drawer slides. If he wants them, he can save up to pay for them, it's not like they are essential for life, they're just drawer slides.

As for the alcohol thread I was alarmed that people would jump on you and call you a terrible person as SF is supposed to be a safe and supportive place. I've been and checked the thread out as I hadn't read it before. Your first sentence of your first post on that thread stated that "I am a functioning alcoholic." To describe yourself as an alcoholic would indicate that you know you have a problem with alcohol even if you feel you are coping with it on a day to day level. Nobody there has called you a terrible person - everything that was said was said out of concern. To drink 4 whiskeys before going to work and at least that amount plus beer after is going to do some damage long term, whether you've built up a tolerance or not. They're just worried about you as they would be with anyone who describes themselves as a functioning alcoholic and drinks over 4 times the recommended weekly alcohol units every week without fail. Alcohol will also have an effect on your bipolar and could be a contraindication on any possible meds you take for it. I get why you could see it as an attack on you but as an outsider to the conversation that's not how it reads. They really are concerned about you, that's all.

I understand how scary it is when you can feel yourself slipping into another depression. What can we do to try to head it off before it totally gets you? Can you see a doctor? Maybe a tweak in meds would help? But please keep talking to us here okay? We really do care.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#3
Hi mosey ,friendship is give and take ,alot of pressure seems to be on you regards this kitchen drawer and your friend seems to be exploiting hes end of the friendship ,between the drawer and the thread regarding the alcohol is affecting you emotionally .ive bipolar myself [not diagnosed ,but i cans see the moods in me].
constantly doing things for others is a way too escape ourselves [rightly so sometimes ] but eventually we get exhausted ignoring our feelings and depression sets in .we need to learn to say no when it suits us and be comfortable with ourselves .
anyone judging you for your drinking are just projecting there own problems and anger on to you in judgement without evidence of you drinking and driving .im sober myself these days but i was a dry drunk for along time before i understood it .take yourself away from that thread.
Take care.
 

UKDude

Well-Known Member
#4
Hey Moses

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad right now. Bipolar is really tough, what kind of support are you getting? Meds? Therapy?

I hate to say it as friends are precious but this guy really doesn't sound like a friend. No friend could possibly expect that much of someone, especially if they know it will put them under financial and emotional stress. Please don't spend the little money you have at the end of the month on his drawer slides. If he wants them, he can save up to pay for them, it's not like they are essential for life, they're just drawer slides.

As for the alcohol thread I was alarmed that people would jump on you and call you a terrible person as SF is supposed to be a safe and supportive place. I've been and checked the thread out as I hadn't read it before. Your first sentence of your first post on that thread stated that "I am a functioning alcoholic." To describe yourself as an alcoholic would indicate that you know you have a problem with alcohol even if you feel you are coping with it on a day to day level. Nobody there has called you a terrible person - everything that was said was said out of concern. To drink 4 whiskeys before going to work and at least that amount plus beer after is going to do some damage long term, whether you've built up a tolerance or not. They're just worried about you as they would be with anyone who describes themselves as a functioning alcoholic and drinks over 4 times the recommended weekly alcohol units every week without fail. Alcohol will also have an effect on your bipolar and could be a contraindication on any possible meds you take for it. I get why you could see it as an attack on you but as an outsider to the conversation that's not how it reads. They really are concerned about you, that's all.

I understand how scary it is when you can feel yourself slipping into another depression. What can we do to try to head it off before it totally gets you? Can you see a doctor? Maybe a tweak in meds would help? But please keep talking to us here okay? We really do care.
I find if I drink alcohol it makes me really depressed. I hadn't ever really realised how badly - probably because I had a drink every day - but a 3 week break made me realise it really messes with my head.

I also agree, who needs friends like this who will have you in difficulties for their own benefit?
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#5
Thank you for the replies. I am under the best psychiatric care in this 4 state area, Oaklawn in Elkhart. I am on Latuda as an antispychotic and lithium as a mood stabilizer. Every bipolar person knows that the medication can only do so much; it lessens the mood curve but does not eliminate it. I gave up therapy because all my therapist did was preach against drinking. You have to understand how I was raised. My father was verbally abusive, constantly telling u we were worthless pieces of crap. One time my hair was a little messed up from the wind when we got into church. He ran his comb through my hair and hit a snarl. I winced and pulled away from the comb. As punishment for that he grabbed my earlobe and drug me into church in front of all those people. He did stuff like this constantly. One time he got a new tractor. Us four boys were looking at it and he walked around the corner as one of us touched it. He grabbed a nearby board and told us to line up and bend over. He beat all four of us with that board because one of us touched his tractor. Now you are telling me I can't drink. Cirhosis of the liver etc. I tell you what, I would be glad to be dead. I would no longer be suffering the pain I live with.
 

LOSTINSIGHT

Well-Known Member
#6
Abuse leaves its mark and deep scars .have you heard of Gabor mate ,,hes brilliant in regard's trauma. Understanding your fathers story and background mite go a long way to healing your pain .its not necessarily about forgiveness but it could help with the anger and deep resentment .
Unless your father was a complete sociopath [rare] ,god knows how he was raised or dealt with .
Im aware this will trigger you but understanding the people that harm us can help heal us .
theres a scene in good will hunting that always gets me ,,i wont post it here incase it triggers you .youl know it if youve seen the movie.
respect to you *shake.
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#7
I feel better today. I am not going to take advice personally from people who used to drink and drive drunk, from people who used illegal drugs, etc. Like marijuana. I am not going to take advice from anyone who used marijuana in the past and then drove stoned. They don't want me to do what they did; that is hypocrisy. I am in charge of my life and so long as I don't do anything illegal I can do whatever I want.
 

Sunspots

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
I'm really glad you're feeling better today, that's such a relief.

There's never any rule that says you have to agree with everyone or take their advice. All any of us can do is sift through the different comments and advice and take out what we think is useful for us. Personally for me, I like advice from people who have been in a similar position to me. It means I can learn from their experience rather than someone else who has no idea how that particular situation can feel like. But that's me, if it doesn't help you that's fine. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions.

So how do you think SF can help? What would you find useful? Or maybe you just need to get those thoughts out there but don't want any advice?

Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better :)
 

MosesY

Functioning Alcoholic
#9
I'm really glad you're feeling better today, that's such a relief.

There's never any rule that says you have to agree with everyone or take their advice. All any of us can do is sift through the different comments and advice and take out what we think is useful for us. Personally for me, I like advice from people who have been in a similar position to me. It means I can learn from their experience rather than someone else who has no idea how that particular situation can feel like. But that's me, if it doesn't help you that's fine. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions.

So how do you think SF can help? What would you find useful? Or maybe you just need to get those thoughts out there but don't want any advice?

Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling better :)
THank you for responding to me. It helps a lot just to post this, to get that out there, and have a place where I can do that.
 

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